TODAY I am poured with such information. I search for it and now I found it. But I don’t know what to do. I long for it to know and now I know it. But I don’t know how to react. No one said this is hard. No one warned me that this will be not simple as what I’ve expected it to be. No one teach me what to do and how to react in times like this. No one seems to care.
This is the feeling when you expect what you’re expecting. When you knew what you will find out but then finding out even if you already knew is absurd. I realized ‘knowing what you will find out’ and ‘really finding out’ are two different thing.
This night is a night full of emptiness. I am right now full of emptiness. I forgot to speak, to talk, to see, to hear, I forgot to breath, I even forgot to live for a while. I forgot who am I. Feeding me with such information I wanted to eat but I didn’t dare to swallow. I didn’t want to digest it, because in the first place I don’t understand!
‘Knowing’ and ‘understanding’ are just like ‘knowing what you will find out’ and ‘founding out’. They are two very very unlike word. And understanding is a lot more difficult and a lot more complicated. It requires listening, thinking, and feelings. While the latter requires just ears and eyes! Just to hear and to see, not to listen and not to be aware.
I knew too much but I think it is not yet enough and I need to know more. I didn’t know if a little more or a lot more, all I know is that I need to know more. I need to, in order for me to understand what to be understood.. Eating. It’s like eating. Eating is knowing and knowing what you will find. And swallowing is understanding and finding out. What a process…