With Crossed Fingers

I KNOW we’re strangers
Yet I crossed my fingers
As you walk on by
But I don’t know why.

I know I’ve been staring
Your eyes are sparkling
But I notice the frown
In your head like a crown.

I know you have a hunch
C’mon give me a punch
And don’t you hesitate
But please don’t you hate.

I know you have the feeling
So what are you doing?
I know it’s not well
C’mon give me a yell.

I know you seem familiar
And I am not a liar
I don’t know when or where
But I knew you somewhere.

In my dreams you were there
In my life you must be there.

^~~~^
(picture from Google images)

What Many Would Say

my unfinished business

I WAS drawing using my pen. Pen. Not a pencil. And drawing using a pen means you can’t make a mistake. As I continue moving my hand, no matter how hard I tried to slow down to make sure I’ll not make any mistake, I still do. Yeah, I know it is impossible not to make any mistake at all. Even just a little bit wrong move of my hand means a big mistake.

Then it flashes right through my mind; drawing is a lot like living. Many would say, I can’t draw, I can’t. And I wanted to ask, do you ever try? Many would say, I’m no good at it. And I wanted to ask, do you ever try your best to be good at it? Many would say, I can’t do it, I can’t draw, I’m not like the others. And I wanted to ask, do you need to be like them[the others]?

It’s like living! Many would say, I can’t take this anymore. And I wanted to ask, do you even try facing it? Many would say, my life’s so damn and it’s nonsense. And I wanted to ask, do you even try to do good and make your life worth living? Many would say, look at their life, I’m not like them, I’m not as fortunate as them, I’m not as good as them. And I wanted to ask, why do you need to be like them in the first place? You are not like them because you are different! We are all different in a way.

Those things have happened. Those words have been said. Those questions have been asked. And those same things will continue to happen. Those same words will be spoken again and again. Those same questions will be thrown again and again. My point is not only in drawing but in living and in all the things we do..

Drawing. Living. It doesn’t matter how much we try to slow down. Being afraid of making a mistake does not mean not committing any. As avoiding to make a mistake does not mean not having any.

But it’s in our mindset that a mistake will ruin our drawings, that a mistake will ruin our lives. A mistake that makes the drawing ugly, a mistake that makes the life miserable. But what our eyes didn’t see is that a certain mistake, sometimes, is what makes our drawing beautiful, what makes our drawing different, is what makes us learn a lesson, what makes us stronger than we used to be.

If we are afraid to draw then how can we see how beautiful our drawing will be? How can we see what we can do without trying? How can we appreciate ourselves? If we are afraid to live then how can we see how beautiful life is? How can we see what life can give us without experiencing it? How can we accept who we really are? If we will not draw, no one will draw for us. If we will not live, no one will live for the life which must be ours.

Many would say, why continue doing things if you can’t even do it? And I wanted to ask, why not do things that will make you go on? Why giving up when life gave us all the reasons not to?

Many would say… but what would YOU say?

^~~~^

Life Script -.-

IN ONE of my subjects this semester, Psychology 1, we were given a life script. Yes a life script.. I thought it would be fun. I thought it would be easy.

Then I stare at the paper that was passed to me by an unknown seatmate. In the upper left corner —Life Script. Life script it is. It was filled with questions. Can’t remember how many but maybe there’s around 25 questions. As I scan the questions, one word catches my attention. My eyes were glued to that certain word. Then I started all over again. This time I didn’t just scan it. I read the questions. The first one was;

Life Script
1. How do you see yourself?

And at that moment, I was stucked. I was stucked at the very first question. Before long I continue reading the following questions;

2. Three things I wanted to change to myself

And I was stunned again. What do I want to change?? After a brief moment;

3. How do you see your MOTHER?
4. How are you like your MOTHER?
5. How are you unlike your MOTHER?
6. Her main advice to me is

The first time I read that word I was like —what? The second time I was like —what the?! The third time I was like –are you kidding me?! The following question I was likeokaaaay (with my eyes getting wider and wider for every questions).  Every time I read such word, it was like shouting to me, screaming through my ears..

7. How do you see your father?
8. How are you like your father?
9. How are you unlike your father?
10. His main advice to me is

I was calm but then panicking at the same time. Panicking, for I don’t know what will I write. I don’t know how will I answer those.

11. Some of the main do’s that were programmed to me are
12. Some of the main don’t’s that were programmed to me are

What main do’s? main don’t’s? I was really mixed up..

13. How do you see yourself as a child?
14. How do you see yourself as an adolescent?
15. How do you see yourself five years ago?
16. How do you see yourself five years from now?

Here it is again.. how do I see myself? as a child? as an adolescent? five years ago? five years from now? I am totally lost. I don’t really know how I see myself in the first place.

17. One important decision I made as a child was
18. One early decision that I felt I have change is

Decisions? I’ve got lots of it. Important.. I think all decisions are important. Tsk.. I don’t know if how I’m taking these..

19. If you would write your epitaph, what would your epitaph be?

Lived life. Befriended Fear. Welcomed death..

20. What do you want most out of life?

Oh there’s only one thing but two ways I want most out of life –the very popular yet complicated, love –to love and to be loved..

21. Three wishes you wanted to really happen

I’ve got wishes and I wanted it all to happen. But the most important? Well I’d rather kept it to myself..

22. I like myself when
23. I least like myself when

Here it goes again.. I don’t know when I like or when I don’t like myself -.- or maybe I’m just denying it. Oh I just said it. K.

24. My hobby(ies)/My talent(s) are

I know my hobbies but I didn’t know any talent of mine. -.-

I think the Life Script has 25 questions and I’m missing one more. And I can’t remember what it is or what it’s all about. -.- The questions written by me aren’t the exact words used in the questions in the Life Script but it was close enough, I can tell.

For every questions thrown to me by that paper, it was thrown like hell! I was speechless. I didn’t have any idea how I would answers such questions. I answered it for a very long time and there comes a point where I gave up anymore because I can’t think of any answers anymore. I’m drained. So what did I do? Simple as this, I simply leave some questions unanswered!

Not all the questions can be answered right away. Sometimes it takes time to accept the fact and be ready to answer the questions thrown to you. It takes seconds to answer but it takes a lifetime to know yourself. And this is when I’ve said; I really don’t know my life, myself, and there are things that were really hard to understand.

^~~~^
(picture from Google images)

As I Walk Through

AS I walk
through the road
of oblivion
I’ve remembered you;

As I walk
through the mountains
of life
I’ve searched for you;

As I walk
through the crowd
of xenos
I’ve met you;

As I walk
through the clouds
of dreams
I’ve dreamed of you;

As I walk
through the letters
of the keyboard
I’ve found U;

As I walk
through the sound
of music
I’ve listened to you;

As I walk
through the series
of wrongs
I’ve learned from you;

As I walk
through the river
of tears
I’ve longed for you;

As I walk
through the chains
of solitude
I’ve loved you;

As I walk
through the red carpet
of the altar
I’ve said ‘I do’;

As I walk
through the path
of death
I’ve followed you;

As I walk
through the blurriness
of ups and downs
I’ve loved you

and always will.

^~~~^

I Want To Sleep, IT Won’t Let Me

I WANT to sleep
but it would visit me

I want to sleep
but it wanted to meet me

I want to sleep
but it’s been waiting for me

I want to sleep
but it can’t wait patiently

I want to sleep
but I don’t want it to happen

I want to sleep
my eyes were drugged to close
but I know it was just forcing me

I want to sleep
dig deep and deeper in dreamland
but I know it would bring me to graveyard

I want to sleep
but it simply wouldn’t let me.

I want to sleep
without it happening
it —sleep paralysis..

^~~~^

The Sudden Meeting And The Mysterious Letter

IN THE beginning I didn’t wish to take the letter from my father but he said I need it; that I need to know something and all of that something is inside.

She didn’t expect to see her father. She didn’t know him personally but she recognized him. She kept a picture of him, a picture given by her mother, one and only picture of him. She had lived the fifteen years of her life without him. For fifteen years she didn’t hear a thing about the father she never had. And now he had the guts to appear in front of her. And now he had the guts to talk to her as if he had known her all her life. And now he had the guts to tell her she needs to know something. And now he had the guts to tell her what to do.

When she got home, she just run upstairs avoiding her mother’s greetings. She didn’t dare to mention to anyone about the sudden meeting and the mysterious letter.

Staring at the letter, she didn’t have the slightest idea what was written there. Wasn’t it interesting? What does she needs to know? Is it about her? About her mother? About her father she never had? Will it change her? Will she believe, in the first place, what was written there?

^~~~^

A Lie Which Changed Who Am I

I’VE BEEN living my life
living my life with a lie
a lie which changed who am I
a lie which ate my soul.

Realizing something
myself is to blame
this is what I’ve wished for
this is what I’ve dreamed of.

I am –running a restaurant, a bit true
that’s what I told my friends
that’s what I told my family
that’s what I told everyone.

I don’t know how long can I take this
I don’t want anymore, living like this
But I can’t tell them
I am –spy.

A spy, a secret agent,
I work day and night
just a call and I’m gone
to save and serve.

What about myself?
my friends? my family?
and the one I love?
but what about the people?
what about serving them?

^~~~^