With Crossed Fingers

I KNOW we’re strangers
Yet I crossed my fingers
As you walk on by
But I don’t know why.

I know I’ve been staring
Your eyes are sparkling
But I notice the frown
In your head like a crown.

I know you have a hunch
C’mon give me a punch
And don’t you hesitate
But please don’t you hate.

I know you have the feeling
So what are you doing?
I know it’s not well
C’mon give me a yell.

I know you seem familiar
And I am not a liar
I don’t know when or where
But I knew you somewhere.

In my dreams you were there
In my life you must be there.

^~~~^
(picture from Google images)

What Many Would Say

my unfinished business

I WAS drawing using my pen. Pen. Not a pencil. And drawing using a pen means you can’t make a mistake. As I continue moving my hand, no matter how hard I tried to slow down to make sure I’ll not make any mistake, I still do. Yeah, I know it is impossible not to make any mistake at all. Even just a little bit wrong move of my hand means a big mistake.

Then it flashes right through my mind; drawing is a lot like living. Many would say, I can’t draw, I can’t. And I wanted to ask, do you ever try? Many would say, I’m no good at it. And I wanted to ask, do you ever try your best to be good at it? Many would say, I can’t do it, I can’t draw, I’m not like the others. And I wanted to ask, do you need to be like them[the others]?

It’s like living! Many would say, I can’t take this anymore. And I wanted to ask, do you even try facing it? Many would say, my life’s so damn and it’s nonsense. And I wanted to ask, do you even try to do good and make your life worth living? Many would say, look at their life, I’m not like them, I’m not as fortunate as them, I’m not as good as them. And I wanted to ask, why do you need to be like them in the first place? You are not like them because you are different! We are all different in a way.

Those things have happened. Those words have been said. Those questions have been asked. And those same things will continue to happen. Those same words will be spoken again and again. Those same questions will be thrown again and again. My point is not only in drawing but in living and in all the things we do..

Drawing. Living. It doesn’t matter how much we try to slow down. Being afraid of making a mistake does not mean not committing any. As avoiding to make a mistake does not mean not having any.

But it’s in our mindset that a mistake will ruin our drawings, that a mistake will ruin our lives. A mistake that makes the drawing ugly, a mistake that makes the life miserable. But what our eyes didn’t see is that a certain mistake, sometimes, is what makes our drawing beautiful, what makes our drawing different, is what makes us learn a lesson, what makes us stronger than we used to be.

If we are afraid to draw then how can we see how beautiful our drawing will be? How can we see what we can do without trying? How can we appreciate ourselves? If we are afraid to live then how can we see how beautiful life is? How can we see what life can give us without experiencing it? How can we accept who we really are? If we will not draw, no one will draw for us. If we will not live, no one will live for the life which must be ours.

Many would say, why continue doing things if you can’t even do it? And I wanted to ask, why not do things that will make you go on? Why giving up when life gave us all the reasons not to?

Many would say… but what would YOU say?

^~~~^

Life Script -.-

IN ONE of my subjects this semester, Psychology 1, we were given a life script. Yes a life script.. I thought it would be fun. I thought it would be easy.

Then I stare at the paper that was passed to me by an unknown seatmate. In the upper left corner —Life Script. Life script it is. It was filled with questions. Can’t remember how many but maybe there’s around 25 questions. As I scan the questions, one word catches my attention. My eyes were glued to that certain word. Then I started all over again. This time I didn’t just scan it. I read the questions. The first one was;

Life Script
1. How do you see yourself?

And at that moment, I was stucked. I was stucked at the very first question. Before long I continue reading the following questions;

2. Three things I wanted to change to myself

And I was stunned again. What do I want to change?? After a brief moment;

3. How do you see your MOTHER?
4. How are you like your MOTHER?
5. How are you unlike your MOTHER?
6. Her main advice to me is

The first time I read that word I was like —what? The second time I was like —what the?! The third time I was like –are you kidding me?! The following question I was likeokaaaay (with my eyes getting wider and wider for every questions).  Every time I read such word, it was like shouting to me, screaming through my ears..

7. How do you see your father?
8. How are you like your father?
9. How are you unlike your father?
10. His main advice to me is

I was calm but then panicking at the same time. Panicking, for I don’t know what will I write. I don’t know how will I answer those.

11. Some of the main do’s that were programmed to me are
12. Some of the main don’t’s that were programmed to me are

What main do’s? main don’t’s? I was really mixed up..

13. How do you see yourself as a child?
14. How do you see yourself as an adolescent?
15. How do you see yourself five years ago?
16. How do you see yourself five years from now?

Here it is again.. how do I see myself? as a child? as an adolescent? five years ago? five years from now? I am totally lost. I don’t really know how I see myself in the first place.

17. One important decision I made as a child was
18. One early decision that I felt I have change is

Decisions? I’ve got lots of it. Important.. I think all decisions are important. Tsk.. I don’t know if how I’m taking these..

19. If you would write your epitaph, what would your epitaph be?

Lived life. Befriended Fear. Welcomed death..

20. What do you want most out of life?

Oh there’s only one thing but two ways I want most out of life –the very popular yet complicated, love –to love and to be loved..

21. Three wishes you wanted to really happen

I’ve got wishes and I wanted it all to happen. But the most important? Well I’d rather kept it to myself..

22. I like myself when
23. I least like myself when

Here it goes again.. I don’t know when I like or when I don’t like myself -.- or maybe I’m just denying it. Oh I just said it. K.

24. My hobby(ies)/My talent(s) are

I know my hobbies but I didn’t know any talent of mine. -.-

I think the Life Script has 25 questions and I’m missing one more. And I can’t remember what it is or what it’s all about. -.- The questions written by me aren’t the exact words used in the questions in the Life Script but it was close enough, I can tell.

For every questions thrown to me by that paper, it was thrown like hell! I was speechless. I didn’t have any idea how I would answers such questions. I answered it for a very long time and there comes a point where I gave up anymore because I can’t think of any answers anymore. I’m drained. So what did I do? Simple as this, I simply leave some questions unanswered!

Not all the questions can be answered right away. Sometimes it takes time to accept the fact and be ready to answer the questions thrown to you. It takes seconds to answer but it takes a lifetime to know yourself. And this is when I’ve said; I really don’t know my life, myself, and there are things that were really hard to understand.

^~~~^
(picture from Google images)

As I Walk Through

AS I walk
through the road
of oblivion
I’ve remembered you;

As I walk
through the mountains
of life
I’ve searched for you;

As I walk
through the crowd
of xenos
I’ve met you;

As I walk
through the clouds
of dreams
I’ve dreamed of you;

As I walk
through the letters
of the keyboard
I’ve found U;

As I walk
through the sound
of music
I’ve listened to you;

As I walk
through the series
of wrongs
I’ve learned from you;

As I walk
through the river
of tears
I’ve longed for you;

As I walk
through the chains
of solitude
I’ve loved you;

As I walk
through the red carpet
of the altar
I’ve said ‘I do’;

As I walk
through the path
of death
I’ve followed you;

As I walk
through the blurriness
of ups and downs
I’ve loved you

and always will.

^~~~^

I Want To Sleep, IT Won’t Let Me

I WANT to sleep
but it would visit me

I want to sleep
but it wanted to meet me

I want to sleep
but it’s been waiting for me

I want to sleep
but it can’t wait patiently

I want to sleep
but I don’t want it to happen

I want to sleep
my eyes were drugged to close
but I know it was just forcing me

I want to sleep
dig deep and deeper in dreamland
but I know it would bring me to graveyard

I want to sleep
but it simply wouldn’t let me.

I want to sleep
without it happening
it —sleep paralysis..

^~~~^

The Sudden Meeting And The Mysterious Letter

IN THE beginning I didn’t wish to take the letter from my father but he said I need it; that I need to know something and all of that something is inside.

She didn’t expect to see her father. She didn’t know him personally but she recognized him. She kept a picture of him, a picture given by her mother, one and only picture of him. She had lived the fifteen years of her life without him. For fifteen years she didn’t hear a thing about the father she never had. And now he had the guts to appear in front of her. And now he had the guts to talk to her as if he had known her all her life. And now he had the guts to tell her she needs to know something. And now he had the guts to tell her what to do.

When she got home, she just run upstairs avoiding her mother’s greetings. She didn’t dare to mention to anyone about the sudden meeting and the mysterious letter.

Staring at the letter, she didn’t have the slightest idea what was written there. Wasn’t it interesting? What does she needs to know? Is it about her? About her mother? About her father she never had? Will it change her? Will she believe, in the first place, what was written there?

^~~~^

A Lie Which Changed Who Am I

I’VE BEEN living my life
living my life with a lie
a lie which changed who am I
a lie which ate my soul.

Realizing something
myself is to blame
this is what I’ve wished for
this is what I’ve dreamed of.

I am –running a restaurant, a bit true
that’s what I told my friends
that’s what I told my family
that’s what I told everyone.

I don’t know how long can I take this
I don’t want anymore, living like this
But I can’t tell them
I am –spy.

A spy, a secret agent,
I work day and night
just a call and I’m gone
to save and serve.

What about myself?
my friends? my family?
and the one I love?
but what about the people?
what about serving them?

^~~~^

I Thought We’re Friends?

I NEEDED to talk to you. I felt so down. I was about to cry.
I want to open it up with someone. Then I think of you.
So I dialed your number.

But even before I tell you, you open up. You’re so happy.
You said it was your lucky day. I was happy for you.
And I didn’t want to flip your ‘lucky’ day. So I didn’t open up my problem.
Not today. Maybe some other day.
I didn’t have the guts to ruin my friend’s day.
So I just let you tell me everything that has happened to you.

Yet I was feeling down.
It didn’t change the fact that I still think of my problem.
It didn’t change the fact that I still feel so miserable.
You needed to hang up the phone coz you need to do something important.
So you said bye.

I put down the phone as I lay my back on the floor.
Its coldness made me shiver.
Its hardness made me tremble.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll let know everything.

The next day I was about to call you when the phone rang. It was you.
I’m glad it was you. Finally I’ll be able to tell you.
But I heard a familiar sound from you. You were crying.
For a moment I didn’t think of my problem because I think of you.
I didn’t tell you because I don’t want you to feel heavier.
Tomorrow, I’ll just tell you tomorrow.

I asked you; how are you? What happened?
So you open up to me your problem. You let it out.
You were crying and crying.
All I can do is be there for you and listen and comfort you.
Coz that’s what friends do.
So I listen and listen until I crack a joke and finally I heard you laughing.

You’re alright now. It’s gonna be okay.
So you said bye and hang up the phone.

I put down the phone as I stare at the nothingness.
I feel heavier hearing your whining.
My problems plus yours.

I don’t know what to do anymore.
I just wanted to tell you that I needed your help
but I just can’t coz you’re needing my help.

The next day I called it was just an ordinary day for you.
And at that moment I decided to tell you.
But even before I do, you tell me what happened to you that day
even if it’s just a normal one.

I didn’t have the time to speak.
I didn’t know when to tell you.
And then you needed to hang up again so you said bye.

I put down the phone as I shut my eyes;
breathing deep,
controlling my tears.

I tried to stop my heart beat but it wouldn’t.
I tried to shut down my brain but it wouldn’t.
I tried to think I’m dead thinking it will be true but I’m alive.
I tried to hold my breath thinking it would kill me but it just forced my tears to trickle.

The phone rang. It rang and rang and rang and rang…
until it became irritating to my ears,
until it became so deafening.
So I put my hands on my ears. But it didn’t change anything.
I can still hear the phone ringing.

I was shouting; stop! Stop! But it wouldn’t stop ringing.
I’m grinding my teeth, hardening my jaw.
I felt anger inside me. I felt the burning inside me.
I don’t want to answer it.
I don’t want to talk to you.

I am your friend.
But what did you do?
I am your friend.
But are you my friend?

The phone’s not ringing anymore, it’s like an hour before it finally stop..

I never ever remember you asking if I’m alright.
I never heard you say how are you?
I never heard you say how about you?

You never let me feel that you are my friend
when all I did is to make you feel alright.
You never call me just to ask what I’m feeling.
You never tell me it’s gonna be okay
but in the first place, you didn’t think what I’m feeling.
Why???
Because whenever I call, it was always about you.
Whenever you call, it was all about you.
Every time we talk, it was always about you!

You didn’t think of others.
All you think is just ‘yourself’, ‘your’ feelings.

I am your friend.
I’ve been your friend.
I was your friend.

But even for just a second, you’ve never been a friend to me.
It was always YOU!
It was always yourself only!
I’ve been a friend to you but for you I was just an acquaintance.
Nothing more.

I gave importance to you.
I listened to you.
I comforted you.
I never let you down.

You never gave any importance to me.
You never listen to me.
You just talk and talk.
You never asked me my problems.
You didn’t bother asking about my feelings.
You never lift me up.
You never try to make me smile.

You just never know how much it had hurt me.
And it’s still hurting me…

^~~~^

The Day I Finally Met Him

FINEST MOMENT. Hearing those two words, there is this one moment that hits my mind..

It was in year 2009, 18th of December. Of course I won’t forgot the date. It was late in the afternoon. Vast of people coming in and out. Vast of people walking from different directions. There are lots of people waiting. There are lots of happenings. I am in the airport.

Standing there with my aunt, waiting, lots of things are invading my mind. Why now? I find myself asking my mind. Why not later? Or tomorrow or some other time? I just want to focus on waiting right now. But they wouldn’t leave me alone. They form questions. Questions I didn’t even know were formed right before it invaded my mind. Maybe it’s just because of nervousness. Time passes by and it seems like we’ve been waiting for almost an hour but he hasn’t arrive yet. Yes we were waiting for him. For my father.

What does he looks like? Can I recognize him once I see him? What will I tell him? How to greet him? Can he even recognize me too? What will he tell me? What will I do? How to act when with him? How to talk to him? What? Whaaaat?! For a moment, I’ve believed that my mind was going to explode. Questions came pouring like a rain which wouldn’t stop. Even the senseless questions were formed. One moment I felt excited. But the butterflies in my stomach have erased that excitement. And they didn’t even get satisfaction, they have replaced the excitement with fear.

What time is it? He’s not yet here. I keep on checking every man who walks towards our direction. Is it him already? I asked myself. What if it’s already him and I don’t even recognize him? I keep on talking to myself. I keep on questioning myself. But even I can’t answer too. I just can’t focus anymore like everything is a blur.

There’s a family beside us waiting too. A mother and two children; boy and a little girl. Then a man came and hug the mother. The mother told her son to hug him but the son wouldn’t move. Oh he was just shy, the mother said. Then I saw in the boy’s face the shock and the tears that were formed in his eyes. For a moment I thought I have read his mind. Maybe he didn’t saw his father that long too. I became aware of my surroundings. I became aware of the people who were waiting too. People came and there will be exchanges of greetings, there will be hugging one another and kissing, and then they’ll leave together as if they were together that long.

Veering my head from right to left, moving my eyes from time to time, searching; I catch a glimpse of a familiar man. I just recognized him? Yes it’s him. It’s really him. He approached us. Every step he took was like the years gone. It was so slow and sooo.. I was… speechless. I didn’t know what I feel. I became mute and deaf. I forgot how to speak. I even forgot how to breath for a moment. I was out of words. I am lost for words. He hugged me and say my daughter. I didn’t hug him back simply because I can’t manage my hands, my body, to move. I didn’t know what to do. So I just let it be. So be it! I felt warmth in my eyes but I manage to hold it back. I won’t let it escape. Not in front of him, not in front of many, not in a place where there’s a crowd of strangers.

I remember the boy earlier who wouldn’t hug the man who seems to be his father. He was silent too but in his eyes I saw the warning of tears. He didn’t move and didn’t speak but I saw it in his eyes. His eyes said it all. That’s why I thought that I have read his mind, because his eyes have talked to mine. Maybe that’s what I felt too. Maybe we felt the same way towards the man who seems to be our father.

After of almost twelve years, that was the first time I saw my father. Yes I saw him when we were chatting online. Yes I heard his voice when we were talking over the phone. But seeing him 3D, seeing him personally was far more different from seeing him in the desktop. Hearing his voice and talking to him personally was far more different from hearing it over the phone.

 

Happy Father’s Day to all fathers out there!
Happy Father’s Day Daddy! (:

^~~~^

He Searched For Love But Found Hatred Instead

HE SEARCHED for her. Simply because he wanna know her. Because not knowing her is not like knowing his whole self. Not knowing her is like never having a satisfying day. Not knowing her is like carrying a heaviness inside him. Not knowing her is like not knowing a part of him. Not knowing her is like not having a life at all.

So he desperately search for him. He desperately wanted to know her. He search for her in every possible way he can. And just one day, poof! He found it. He found her. He realized that wanting to find her and finding her are two very different situation. Wanting to find her; he was expecting to find her. But then finding her is like an unexpected thing to happen even if he’s already expecting it. He found her but then he’s on a dead end.

Yes he did find her. But what to do now? He didn’t have any plan at all. He had planned to search for but what will he do when he already saw her? He search for her because he wanted her love. The love that must be given to him without asking for it. The love that must be given to him unconditionally by her. The love that was never given to him at all. The love that was deprived from me by the person who was supposed to be giving it. That love that was lost even before it was given.

He wanted her into his life. He wanted her to be a part of his life. He wanted her to do her responsibility to him. He wanted her to love him. He  wanted her to care for him as how she would have cared to someone she loves. He was not just searching for her but also for what she must be doing. He was longing for those things. But it didn’t do him any good. Even finding her didn’t cause any better. Searching for her was right but finding her was a mistake. It was worst than ever. He never know when will he call her mother or will he ever?

He have searched for her love. But what he found was hatred. Hatred for himself and for her. He hated himself for finding her and he hated her for not minding to search for him at all. He hated himself for wanting to know her and he hated her for acting oblivious. He hated himself for wanting her into his life, for needing her care, for longing her love and he hated her for leaving him in the first place. He hated himself for not thinking of the aftermath of what he was doing, for not thinking of the changes that have happened over the years and he hated her for not wanting to know what have happened to him either.

He was so wrong. He was sorry for himself. Searching for her, he found hatred and he put it in his heart. And it was no good. No good at all.

^~~~^