After eyeing it for a moment or two, for the reason of curiosity.. I find my fingers, unaware, surrounding the glass.
And at that very moment..
I became the person I am not.
I drink focusing on being drunk and not on the drink itself. I drink focusing to go to the latter world and not thinking about the aftermath. I drink thinking of leaving those problems of mine (totally impossible, we can’t leave our problems, we can just only not think about it for some time) and not thinking of the effect of the drinks on my body, on my system.
After filling some more alcohol, I am, finally.. in the dreamland where I desperately wanted to be.
Before long my body releases it. Peeing.. I pee. Then drink again. Pee some more. Drink some more. Pee. Drink. Pee. Drink. Just a series of those.
But even if body releases the unwanted guest which I undoubtingly welcome, I know inside me there are still more of them left. Even just a little, I can feel them. They are clinging to my blood trying to fit in. Just like other pathetic people.
But whatever they do, they will always be those who don’t belong there. Those who will never belong. They will always be those trying hard ones.
But still, they are determined not to give up, not to leave my system. Too determined that they managed to stay and hold on.
I feel my heart starting to race. Did the left ones really have a race inside me? A marathon? Even if I know it’s impossible, I thought, for once, that my heart will going to explode. Maybe because of the left ones. They made me felt that way.
They let me feel many things in many ways.
I became sensitive but in a way not caring at all. I became noisy but in a way just talking at all. I became frank but in a way just joking at all. I became serious but in a way just being myself. I became open but in a way not understanding at all. I became emotional but in a way just feeling nothing really at all.
They, the left ones, in a way made me feel this way. But I don’t care. I don’t care to me, to people, to my surroundings, to the world right before my eyes. I just don’t care whenever I am under them.
When I am sober, completely free of the alcohols I’ve taken and released, I realize something. I am, not totally free of those alcohols.
I realized the left ones are left no matter how much liters of water I’ve drank, how much urine I’ve pee.
After a month, I find myself longing to try it again; try killing my problems, filling my stomach with the unwanted guests, feeding my system with such.
And I did try it again and felt the same as the first time. It turns out to be my hobbies; the wanting, longing, and trying.
Wanting it again, longing for it, and trying it again. I find myself drinking every month until it became every week.
Blinded by my mindset about the latter world and the unique feeling, little did I know..
I am.. —a drinker!
Today after drinking again, I realized a new something.
Whenever I drink, a new set of left ones are left again joining the older sets of left ones, thus filling my system with such.
Long before I realize it, I am already filled with the left ones. What I’ve been releasing are the original ones. The left ones have conquered my body, my soul.
I am unaware that they built another form of, not human being but life, me. Yes. Another form of me. And it terrifies me. Because they governed me and they steal my life which was supposed to be live by I. Only I, without any left ones.
And I got angry with myself for letting the left ones built another me, for letting them stole my life, for letting them living my life, for letting them controlling me, for letting them multiplying, for letting them filling up my system. And for letting them exist in the first place!
Coz even if I’m sober, I’ve got difficulty of focusing on things. Sometimes I even forgot if I am just dreaming or if it’s really happening.
Yes I didn’t become the person I don’t want to be. But worse.. I became the person I am not. This is not me.
So I am daring myself.. that I will not drink anymore as how I’ve drunk before. That I will fix myself and kill those left ones. That even if they are determined to cling, I, too, am determined to release them, to destroy each and every one of them!
I want them out of me, out of my life.
At that very moment.. my own fingers accepting the glass of alcohol, I became the person I am not.
But at this very moment.. I’ve learned my lesson.
At this very moment.. I am the person I am. Not the person I used to be, not the person I wanted to be, not the person I’ve dreamed of.. but a better person.
At that very moment, I made a choice.
At this very moment, I’m making another choice.