Waring Nababaliw

WARING NABABALIW sa paglipas ng araw
doon, dito, at sanman, ang hanap ay ikaw
kahapon, kanina, maya’t maya, ika’y tinatanaw
sa aking mga titig ika’y matutunaw

Waring nababaliw sa paglipas ng gabi
sa aking isipan ikaw ang siyang sumasagi
sa aking pagtulog ika’y di maisantabi
sa aking panaginip ika’y namamalagi

Waring nababaliw sa aking nararamdaman
kahit ang sarili’y ‘di ko na rin maintindihan
nagagawang maitago ngunit hanggang kailan
aking pagtingi’y tunay, ito ang katotohanan

Waring nababaliw sa tuwing ika’y napapansin
kailan mo ba malalaman ang lihim na pagtingin?
kailan mo ba makikita ang tunay na lihim?
ako’y nahihirapan at ako’y nasasaktan din.


Troubled Fall


but a lot of times

..we misunderstood it as it is.


Get Out Of My Mind

YOU WERE out of my mind

because you were out of my sight..

but now

You’re out of my sight..

but I can’t get you out of my mind.


The Call

I HEARD my phone ringing. It was at the side of my laptop. I veered my head. I was about to answer it. Unknown caller.. But upon seeing the number… I knew. I knew it was him. I don’t know his number but seeing the first 2 digits lets me know that it was him.

I let it ring. Twice. Thrice. Four times. Five times before answering it. It will be rude of me if I didn’t answer. It would make me bad if I will not answer it.

So I answer it.

Am I that bad if I don’t feel like talking to him?
Am I that bad if I won’t open up to him?
Am I that bad if I won’t tell stories to him?
Am I that bad if I am not that comfortable talking to him?
Am I that bad if I’m a bit irritated?
Am I that bad?

I feel neither hate nor anger. But I feel something bad.. I don’t know what it is. But is it even my fault?


Tell Me This Ain’t Sweet!

IF THIS is not friendship, then tell me what it is.

We used to be strangers. We used to be diffident. We used to be ‘just’ somebody.. but not until the hands of the clock played with us and made our paths crossed.

Why friendship really means a lot to me? Neither have I ever wanted to be alone nor manage to lose someone important to me over again..

We talk as if there’s a microphone in front of us. We share stories as if we never run out of it. We tell jokes as if we’re comedians. We sing even the corniest thing as if it is that noteworthy. We laugh as if tomorrow’s about to end. We giggle as if we’re the only people in the world. We laugh as if our laughter is set on its maximum volume. We laugh as if we never run out of air. We cry out even the slightest detail of happenings as if it would change a thing. And sometimes we even fight as if we’re still toddlers. Yet we seem to share everything.

We share even the nothing as if it is something. But for us, even the nothing is everything!

I never thought it would feel like this having you as my friends. I never thought I would belong in a bunch of crazy people. I never thought I would have people like you in my life. I never thought it would matter this big. And I cannot find the word that would describe your presence in my life, as if it didn’t exist yet.

You want to know the truth?

Even before I go to college, even before I step in this university, of course I was terrified because I knew that one step forward, everything will change. Once I go on, my life would be totally different than what it used to be when I was just in high school. So I decided to ask Him; Just give me a couple of friends and I’ll be okay. Just a couple.. and I think I’ll make it through..

I know He heard me but He didn’t give me that because He gave me people that are worth millions. He gave me people who I can call as friends. Maybe you don’t know what your effects on me are. But I’ll tell you guys, it’s big time.

I never plan to write this but it just pops out of me. I need to write this. I badly needed to write it out.

You guys.. You taught me to be tough. You taught me to stay optimistic. You taught me that lowering a pride doesn’t mean being weak. You taught me to express my feelings somehow. You taught me that showing emotions is not a bad thing. You taught me that opening up will make things better. You taught me to appreciate myself. You taught me that friendship is not just a word, that friendship is more than just what-you-are and what-you-have. You taught me that friendship is more than just a label.

You taught me things I never learned in school.

Once for all, you all know that I don’t say I miss you. You all know that I don’t say I love you. Those words hardly ever come out of my mouth. Seldom.. But you taught me.. And now I’m telling you once.. But telling you once doesn’t necessarily mean it’s just one time. Telling you once doesn’t mean I just feel it this time.

I’ll tell you once but this means that it’ll be forever. It’ll be as always. It’ll be until tomorrow ends. I miss you.. and I hate to say that.. I love you guys! There you go!

If this is not friendship, then tell me what is it? I don’t want to ask you to read this. I just wanted you to read this without me telling you to do so. But I hope you guys will see it. But this will be just another nothing if I won’t write your names. The bunch of crazy people; Berns, Mors, Chants, Raychel, Trisha, Pink.. and yes, they are my friends and I’m one of these crazy people.

If this is not friendship, then tell me what is it?



A Mother Like This Isn’t a Mother At All

I HEARD a lot of things about mothers. How mothers know best, how a mother’s love’s unconditional, how a mother care so much, how a mother will sacrifice everything, how a mother will do everything, how a mother will do this-and-that-impossible stuff.. And all I can think of is “shit”.

I stop believing those phrases long ago! I’ve unlearn what the word mother means. It’s just a word for me and nothing more.. Even typing that certain word makes me feel like I’m doing something I must not be doing. It’s like a sin.. and so does writing this one.

Mother? I never had one. Ever.

But yes, sometimes it would hit me what it would be like to have a mother. A mother more than just word. A real mother. It would hit me and whenever it did, it’ll landed right through me making me feel like I’m just another human being betrayed, abandoned, and unloved. And I know you know what it felt like.

Questions punch me here and there even if I’m trying hard to avoid those, it will caught me off guard.. And their punches hurts. So much.

I don’t know why it hurts so much when in fact there’s no memory of leaving. I don’t know why it hurts so much when I’ve managed to live for 18 years without ‘it’. Yes, sometimes I prefer to use ‘it’ more than ‘mother’. I know it’s maybe somewhat rude but bear with me, I’m not used to using the word mother or mom. It rarely comes out of my mouth either.

All I want to know is what happened. Everybody’s mouth is shut up about it. Not even one wants to tell me. And I think I’m in the right age to know what really happened then. Someone owes me the truth..

I’m angry at her because she left us.. yet I don’t know if ‘left’ is the right word to use but hey it was her choice; a choice which ruins a life, a choice which deprived me something everyone needed, a choice she alone have chosen. After all these years, she can do anything just to talk to me but she never did anything at all. There are these social networking and stuff, we never change our address, she knows where we are but why doesn’t she act? Why don’t do anything if there’s so much ways? Why choose to stay away?

Maybe because she just doesn’t care. At all. Plain and simple.

Well thanks for bringing me in this world. And thanks, too, for making me suffer like this.


Your Eyes

YOUR EYES told me
how much you love me..

but you
never did tell it to me.



TELL ME to stop and I’ll stop it.
Tell me to stay away and I’ll stay away.
Tell me to go and I’ll go.
Tell me to shut up and I’ll shut up..

Tell me anything you want me to do
anything.. and I will

But even if I do those things
there’ll be one thing that won’t change..

–what I feel for you.



Pretending Everything’s Fine

IT’S JUST hard to pretend that everything’s okay. It’s harder to pretend that you’re fine, when in fact you’re feeling the other way around. Harder, too, when you know that the person who made you feel that way is there with you.

Everyday I had to carry the burden and face the fact that I will see the person who made me feel miserable. And you know how it’s annoying that she’s acting like everything is fine between us.

Everything is not fine. Why can’t we admit that something is wrong! There’s a problem. Or maybe, it’s just about me? Or maybe, I’m the problem itself?

But every time I see her, I am hurting. I can’t prevent the hurt.. No one can. Knowing that she knew she did something wrong..  knowing that she knew I was hurt and all I am waiting for is her apology.. all I am waiting for is her ‘sorry’.. all I am waiting for is the confrontation that never take place, –will never maybe.

Every time I see her, I can’t forget how she lied to us.. I can’t remove the lies in her face.. I can’t erase what she had done.. I can’t unheard what she had said.. I always remember..

Every time I see her, I had to deal with what I’m feeling –the hurt. Why do everytime I look into her eyes I saw nothing? No remorse, no concern, nothing at all..

I am hurt because she is my friend, and vice versa –that is what I thought.

I don’t know if what I am to her now. An acquaintance? A companion? I don’t know!!

All I know is, she used to be my friend. We used to share secrets. We used to tell stories. We used to be together.. I used to be her friend.. but now I’m starting to realize her definition of friendship..


Yeah I think that’s what friendship for her. Whoever’s available to be with her that’s her friend. And whoever’s not, is simply not.



So Hard..

WHY IS it so hard to tell something to someone? Why is it so hard?