Protected: End Of Story. But Not Of OUR Story.

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I Die a Little

OSTRACIZED
DON’T know what’s going on
they are laughing
they are whispering
i’m out of it
rejected
been told a lie
not knowing
striking words
seeing a family
‘dad’ and ‘mom’
hearing the word mother
thinking of grandparents
friendship planning
lost kinship
saw them together
got my heart pricked
i die a little
i die a little

Tanging Kapalaran

SA PAGPIKIT ng aking mga mata,
ay syang pagmulat ng mga luha.

Sa paghiga tuwina sasapit ang kadiliman,
ay sya namang pagbangon ng kalungkutan.

Tila ngayon ko lang tanging naintindihan,
Tila ngayon lang kung kailan aking naramdaman.

Nagmahal at nasaktan,
yan ang aking kapalaran.

Magmamahal at masasaktan,
yan ang ating kapalaran.

^~~~^

The Dream I Used To Dream

WHEN I was younger and knew nothing about such.. I used to dream. We all dream, dream, and dream. Dreams which made us happy. Dreams which pump us with so much gasoline. Dreams which never run out of energy. Unlimited dreams.

And there are nights when I used to think what I dreamed when I was younger and still oblivious to the meaning of the word.. Dream.

Yes. When I was younger I thought dreams are true. I mean.. dreams will happen eventually. I thought that when I dream, it would really happen. That when I dream, it”ll be what I’ll face. But reality proves me wrong. I am wrong.

Time and such add up. I am terribly wrong. I wanted to cry but I’m not a child anymore. Besides, what will you think? That I cried because I didn’t understand the word dream? That I cried because I was wrong? If I’m still a toddler maybe I’ll cry but now I’m being mature.. I’m acting as what people in my age do.

The nights when I thought of my dreams.. this is one of those nights. As a child, of course I dream of a lot of things.

I can still remember when someone asks what I wanted to be, I’ll say I wanted to be an astronaut. I love the night sky. I love to look at the moon. I wanted to wear what they wear; those bulky clothes and I really love that uhm helmet, the glass on their faces. I wanted to fly and wonder how they did it. Then I’ll ask, “Are there astronauts in the Philippines?”

I heard a lot of kids wanted to be a teacher because they want to teach children, too. A lot of kids wanted to be a doctor because they want to help others. A lot of kids wanted to be a police because they wanted to caught the bad people. Those professions never crossed my mind.

When I reached middle school.. I dreamed of being a doctor, for once it finally crossed my mind. But I hated Science and such. I’m afraid to blood and stuff. I just wanted that thing hanging in their neck that when you put in your ears, you’ll hear funny sounds which will made you giggle.

When I reached high school.. I dreamed of being an accountant. But it was just for a moment. It never crossed my mind again. Then I dreamed of being an engineer. I wanted to hear people calling me engineer plus my name or surname. Being an engineer is what really I wanted.. but I didn’t pass; Geodetic engineering it was.

Reading a lot of novels about secret agent, CIA, FBI, spy, and watching movies about detective, crime and investigation, and such pushed me to dream of being a secret agent. I wanted to take up Criminology and then when I graduate, I’ll become one of those people who carry guns and wave their badges and solve crimes. Oh! how I really wanted to be one of them!

For a while, I also dream of being a lawyer. I wanted to be that person who’ll ask and ask and interrogate people sitting in the hot seat. Then I’ll won eventually because I am a goddamn smart lawyer.

I’ve dreamed a lot of things. Dream. Dream. Dream. And none of it really happens.

I’ve dreamed a lot of things. Complicated. Then I realized deep inside me, I have this dream. I long for this dream. But I knew it’ll just be a dream and nothing more. Forever a dream: having a parents.

Dreams thought me the word impossible. It’s funny how words taught me some more words.

^~~~^

And It’s My Fault.. I Know

HIT ME! Talk to me! What’s happening to me?? I get angry with her even if she’s not doing anything wrong. It’s just that I’m guilty! -_-

Punch me! Slap me! I wanna wake up from this state of guiltness. Guilty pleasure it is. Punch me. Slap me. Hit me. Talk to me. Wake me up!

I shouldn’t be rude. I shouldn’t be angry.

^~~~^

End Of The World Way

END OF the world they all say
but I knew it’s only their way
to have a reason and express
what they feel and more or less.

End of the world they all say
but I doubt it all the way
yet for once I wanted to express
what I really feel, more or less.

End of the world they all say
but my world ended long before
when he left and have chosen his way
yet a new one was born when you opened the door.

End of the world they all say
but what I think is the other way
I want you, I need you
I like you, I love you..

^~~~^

Acceptance

BRINGING OUT the worst not to be rejected

but to be accepted

^~~~^

Protected: Still Unsure

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Real Or Not?

I THINK I like him…

I enjoy teasing him because I wanna see his smile. I want to see him everyday.. I will talk to him about random things just to make a conversation. I want to hear his laugh.. And I like it when he’s beside me. I think I like him.

^~~~^

Sagradong Luha

SA TUWINANG pagsapit ng gabi.. sa aking pagtulog
hindi ko ninais na patayin ang ilaw.

Dahil ang kadilimang hatid ng hatinggabi’y
animo’y pagbuhat sa mundong kay bigat.

Hindi ko ninais na maiwan sa silid tulugan.
Sa apat na sulok ng naturang silid, waring nakakulong.

At sa pagpatay ng ilaw na sya lamang nagbibigay liwanag
ay sya ding pagpatak ng mga luha kong nananahimik.

Ang buwan na lamang ang aking kasipi.
Ang buwan na lamang ang syang tanging sa aki’y nakikiluha.

Ngunit gagatiting na liwanag sa aki’y ipinagkaloob..
Kadiliman pa din ang syang naghahari.

Mga luhang walang tigil na bumubuhos.
Wala mang tunog ang hinagpis ng aking nararamdaman,
wala mang hikbi sa pagluha ng aking mga mata,
ako’y patuloy pa ring nananahimik.

Tahimik na nasasaktan.
Waring nagpapakamanhid kahit sa loob loob ay nadudurog.

Tahimik na nagtitimpi.
Waring nagwawalang bahala kahit sa loob loob ay naghuhumiyaw.

Tahimik na pilit at patuloy pa ring kumakawala
sa pagkakayakap ng kalungkutan sa’king munting mga braso.

Tahimik na lumalaban kahit sa loob loob
ay nanghihina’t nalalapit na ang pagsuko..

Bakit lumuluha ang aking mga mata?
Bakit?

^~~~^