Story Of A One Beautiful Morning

I FEEL like writing something
something which concerns us

Like for example
It’ll start with “One beautiful morning”
And will end with “What a lovely story isn’t it?” Continue reading

Lost In That Dream

I WAS reciting a poem. It was an impromptu. Then I told myself that I should write this down because it seems beautiful. So I did. I wrote the poem.

Upon writing it, I told again myself that I should remember this poem. I should memorize this one; because I knew that I was dreaming. Yes, I’m in my dream. I really should remember this. Please don’t forget this one. This is such a lovely poem, I told myself. Please..
Continue reading

When “We’re done” Ruined Me

MY LAST words for you
“I’m sorry.. but I still love you and I think I will always do”

But your last words to me
“We’re done”

as if all that has happened was just another game
as if what we have was just a plain label for you
as if all what we’ve been through was just.. just ‘having fun’
as if what we’ve felt wasn’t true.. wasn’t love
but it was is for me.

Well maybe you’re right..

it was just a game.. a game where I seriously and competitively played but then you won and that means losing everything– for me..

it was just a label.. a label which I treated as fragile but then you treated with no importance at all and that label was shattered..

it was just ‘having fun’.. a fun which I misunderstood as happiness but then it was just ‘having fun’ for you, nothing more..

it wasn’t true.. wasn’t love.. yet a simple truth and a pure love for me but then truth for you is just a word and that love is just another card in a deck of playing cards..

The words
even that short
has the power to break a bond.

The words
even that short
held an unlasting hurt.

The words
even that short
brought so much pain.

The words
even that short
is enough for me to shed tears.

The words
even that short
leave a scar on my heart
a hole in my life.

And the words
those words
came out of you.

^~~~^

Undecided Title

ONE IS fighting for the title; the other, for the money.
One is fighting for his life; the other, for the lives of others.

One fight.
One game.
Two people.

Both have their own reasons to fight.
Both have their own pride to win.

Winning for them have different consequences, have different meaning.
But there is only one winner. And winner takes it all!

But what if winning means losing what you have and having what you didn’t wish for? And losing means having a totally new life, a life led by them.

Would you rather win than lose?
Or the other way around?

Would you play the game? What if you didn’t have a choice at all and fighting seems to be the last resort?

(to be continued?)

^~~~^

Things People Did

*this was written not today*

 

 

WELL.. TODAY was not really my day. I was moody. Others would tell something and I’ll just rebut it. Others would ask me something and I’ll just reason out sounding like wanting a debate.

Little did I know I was already debating with myself.

People I care seems like rejecting me
People I care seems like walking out of my life
People I care seems like not caring at all

What have I done? Why do people do such things to me? Why do different people do the very same thing others have done to me? Things that hurt me. Things which, as much as possible, I was avoiding.

Am I the problem? What have I done to them that push them to do such things? What is the problem? What’s MY problem?

^~~~^

The Sudden Meeting And The Mysterious Letter

IN THE beginning I didn’t wish to take the letter from my father but he said I need it; that I need to know something and all of that something is inside.

She didn’t expect to see her father. She didn’t know him personally but she recognized him. She kept a picture of him, a picture given by her mother, one and only picture of him. She had lived the fifteen years of her life without him. For fifteen years she didn’t hear a thing about the father she never had. And now he had the guts to appear in front of her. And now he had the guts to talk to her as if he had known her all her life. And now he had the guts to tell her she needs to know something. And now he had the guts to tell her what to do.

When she got home, she just run upstairs avoiding her mother’s greetings. She didn’t dare to mention to anyone about the sudden meeting and the mysterious letter.

Staring at the letter, she didn’t have the slightest idea what was written there. Wasn’t it interesting? What does she needs to know? Is it about her? About her mother? About her father she never had? Will it change her? Will she believe, in the first place, what was written there?

^~~~^

A Lie Which Changed Who Am I

I’VE BEEN living my life
living my life with a lie
a lie which changed who am I
a lie which ate my soul.

Realizing something
myself is to blame
this is what I’ve wished for
this is what I’ve dreamed of.

I am –running a restaurant, a bit true
that’s what I told my friends
that’s what I told my family
that’s what I told everyone.

I don’t know how long can I take this
I don’t want anymore, living like this
But I can’t tell them
I am –spy.

A spy, a secret agent,
I work day and night
just a call and I’m gone
to save and serve.

What about myself?
my friends? my family?
and the one I love?
but what about the people?
what about serving them?

^~~~^

I Thought We’re Friends?

I NEEDED to talk to you. I felt so down. I was about to cry.
I want to open it up with someone. Then I think of you.
So I dialed your number.

But even before I tell you, you open up. You’re so happy.
You said it was your lucky day. I was happy for you.
And I didn’t want to flip your ‘lucky’ day. So I didn’t open up my problem.
Not today. Maybe some other day.
I didn’t have the guts to ruin my friend’s day.
So I just let you tell me everything that has happened to you.

Yet I was feeling down.
It didn’t change the fact that I still think of my problem.
It didn’t change the fact that I still feel so miserable.
You needed to hang up the phone coz you need to do something important.
So you said bye.

I put down the phone as I lay my back on the floor.
Its coldness made me shiver.
Its hardness made me tremble.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll let know everything.

The next day I was about to call you when the phone rang. It was you.
I’m glad it was you. Finally I’ll be able to tell you.
But I heard a familiar sound from you. You were crying.
For a moment I didn’t think of my problem because I think of you.
I didn’t tell you because I don’t want you to feel heavier.
Tomorrow, I’ll just tell you tomorrow.

I asked you; how are you? What happened?
So you open up to me your problem. You let it out.
You were crying and crying.
All I can do is be there for you and listen and comfort you.
Coz that’s what friends do.
So I listen and listen until I crack a joke and finally I heard you laughing.

You’re alright now. It’s gonna be okay.
So you said bye and hang up the phone.

I put down the phone as I stare at the nothingness.
I feel heavier hearing your whining.
My problems plus yours.

I don’t know what to do anymore.
I just wanted to tell you that I needed your help
but I just can’t coz you’re needing my help.

The next day I called it was just an ordinary day for you.
And at that moment I decided to tell you.
But even before I do, you tell me what happened to you that day
even if it’s just a normal one.

I didn’t have the time to speak.
I didn’t know when to tell you.
And then you needed to hang up again so you said bye.

I put down the phone as I shut my eyes;
breathing deep,
controlling my tears.

I tried to stop my heart beat but it wouldn’t.
I tried to shut down my brain but it wouldn’t.
I tried to think I’m dead thinking it will be true but I’m alive.
I tried to hold my breath thinking it would kill me but it just forced my tears to trickle.

The phone rang. It rang and rang and rang and rang…
until it became irritating to my ears,
until it became so deafening.
So I put my hands on my ears. But it didn’t change anything.
I can still hear the phone ringing.

I was shouting; stop! Stop! But it wouldn’t stop ringing.
I’m grinding my teeth, hardening my jaw.
I felt anger inside me. I felt the burning inside me.
I don’t want to answer it.
I don’t want to talk to you.

I am your friend.
But what did you do?
I am your friend.
But are you my friend?

The phone’s not ringing anymore, it’s like an hour before it finally stop..

I never ever remember you asking if I’m alright.
I never heard you say how are you?
I never heard you say how about you?

You never let me feel that you are my friend
when all I did is to make you feel alright.
You never call me just to ask what I’m feeling.
You never tell me it’s gonna be okay
but in the first place, you didn’t think what I’m feeling.
Why???
Because whenever I call, it was always about you.
Whenever you call, it was all about you.
Every time we talk, it was always about you!

You didn’t think of others.
All you think is just ‘yourself’, ‘your’ feelings.

I am your friend.
I’ve been your friend.
I was your friend.

But even for just a second, you’ve never been a friend to me.
It was always YOU!
It was always yourself only!
I’ve been a friend to you but for you I was just an acquaintance.
Nothing more.

I gave importance to you.
I listened to you.
I comforted you.
I never let you down.

You never gave any importance to me.
You never listen to me.
You just talk and talk.
You never asked me my problems.
You didn’t bother asking about my feelings.
You never lift me up.
You never try to make me smile.

You just never know how much it had hurt me.
And it’s still hurting me…

^~~~^

He Searched For Love But Found Hatred Instead

HE SEARCHED for her. Simply because he wanna know her. Because not knowing her is not like knowing his whole self. Not knowing her is like never having a satisfying day. Not knowing her is like carrying a heaviness inside him. Not knowing her is like not knowing a part of him. Not knowing her is like not having a life at all.

So he desperately search for him. He desperately wanted to know her. He search for her in every possible way he can. And just one day, poof! He found it. He found her. He realized that wanting to find her and finding her are two very different situation. Wanting to find her; he was expecting to find her. But then finding her is like an unexpected thing to happen even if he’s already expecting it. He found her but then he’s on a dead end.

Yes he did find her. But what to do now? He didn’t have any plan at all. He had planned to search for but what will he do when he already saw her? He search for her because he wanted her love. The love that must be given to him without asking for it. The love that must be given to him unconditionally by her. The love that was never given to him at all. The love that was deprived from me by the person who was supposed to be giving it. That love that was lost even before it was given.

He wanted her into his life. He wanted her to be a part of his life. He wanted her to do her responsibility to him. He wanted her to love him. He  wanted her to care for him as how she would have cared to someone she loves. He was not just searching for her but also for what she must be doing. He was longing for those things. But it didn’t do him any good. Even finding her didn’t cause any better. Searching for her was right but finding her was a mistake. It was worst than ever. He never know when will he call her mother or will he ever?

He have searched for her love. But what he found was hatred. Hatred for himself and for her. He hated himself for finding her and he hated her for not minding to search for him at all. He hated himself for wanting to know her and he hated her for acting oblivious. He hated himself for wanting her into his life, for needing her care, for longing her love and he hated her for leaving him in the first place. He hated himself for not thinking of the aftermath of what he was doing, for not thinking of the changes that have happened over the years and he hated her for not wanting to know what have happened to him either.

He was so wrong. He was sorry for himself. Searching for her, he found hatred and he put it in his heart. And it was no good. No good at all.

^~~~^

It’s Been a Part Of My Day [And Yours?]

I CAN hear it. But even before I ask my friends, it was gone. Then I heard it again. In a matter of milliseconds, it was gone again. Before long, there it is again. And it bothers me. So this time I asked my friends. But they said they don’t hear anything. I said nevermind. And it was gone. I waited and waited for another sound until I forgot about it totally. No sound anymore.

The next day, I was again with my friends. We’re eating and laughing. I was laughing so hard when I heard something. I suddenly stop. It sounds familiar. Then I remember what I heard yesterday. Yes! That’s it. I heard it again today. But why? We were on different place. I just thought that what I heard yesterday was coming from the place where we have stayed. But now here it is again. I asked my friends. They just answered the same; they didn’t hear anything. There it is again. And it really bothers me. I waited and waited for another sound until I forgot about it totally. No sound anymore.

That very day, I was walking with one of my close friend. I told her about it. But she said there’s nothing really. They haven’t heard anything at all while we were together. She said; don’t think about it anymore, there’s really nothing. So I tried to forget about it.

The next day I was walking to go home. I was walking alone. I heard it again. This time I recognized it. It was clear but not as clear to understand what it’s saying or what sound was that really. But it was like whispering. Whispering to whom, I didn’t know. The sound, I didn’t know if it sounded scary but it didn’t scared me at all. Even when I heard it the first time. It just bothers me but it didn’t scare me. I veered my head left and right. No one. I look ahead and look back. No one. As if on cue, I heard myself; what are you? what is it? Then I heard nothing. My friend called me on the phone that night. I set aside telling her what had happened. Besides I just heard it and when I talk, it was gone.

The next day I heard it again, then the following day until I get used to it. As if it is really a part of my day. Then just one day my friend approaches me and ask me about it. Are you still hearing it? I was shocked for I totally erased in my mind telling it to anyone. But I told her simply, yes. Then she admitted it. She heard it too the moment I asked them. And the night she called me, she called me to talk about it. She was expecting me to tell her that I heard it again but she thought that it stopped for I didn’t mention it so she didn’t mention about it too. The whisperers’ whispers are bothering. It’s been whispering everyday. It never got tired.

It’s about time to say this; focus.. It’s about time to ask you; can you hear it??