I Thought We’re Friends?

I NEEDED to talk to you. I felt so down. I was about to cry.
I want to open it up with someone. Then I think of you.
So I dialed your number.

But even before I tell you, you open up. You’re so happy.
You said it was your lucky day. I was happy for you.
And I didn’t want to flip your ‘lucky’ day. So I didn’t open up my problem.
Not today. Maybe some other day.
I didn’t have the guts to ruin my friend’s day.
So I just let you tell me everything that has happened to you.

Yet I was feeling down.
It didn’t change the fact that I still think of my problem.
It didn’t change the fact that I still feel so miserable.
You needed to hang up the phone coz you need to do something important.
So you said bye.

I put down the phone as I lay my back on the floor.
Its coldness made me shiver.
Its hardness made me tremble.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll let know everything.

The next day I was about to call you when the phone rang. It was you.
I’m glad it was you. Finally I’ll be able to tell you.
But I heard a familiar sound from you. You were crying.
For a moment I didn’t think of my problem because I think of you.
I didn’t tell you because I don’t want you to feel heavier.
Tomorrow, I’ll just tell you tomorrow.

I asked you; how are you? What happened?
So you open up to me your problem. You let it out.
You were crying and crying.
All I can do is be there for you and listen and comfort you.
Coz that’s what friends do.
So I listen and listen until I crack a joke and finally I heard you laughing.

You’re alright now. It’s gonna be okay.
So you said bye and hang up the phone.

I put down the phone as I stare at the nothingness.
I feel heavier hearing your whining.
My problems plus yours.

I don’t know what to do anymore.
I just wanted to tell you that I needed your help
but I just can’t coz you’re needing my help.

The next day I called it was just an ordinary day for you.
And at that moment I decided to tell you.
But even before I do, you tell me what happened to you that day
even if it’s just a normal one.

I didn’t have the time to speak.
I didn’t know when to tell you.
And then you needed to hang up again so you said bye.

I put down the phone as I shut my eyes;
breathing deep,
controlling my tears.

I tried to stop my heart beat but it wouldn’t.
I tried to shut down my brain but it wouldn’t.
I tried to think I’m dead thinking it will be true but I’m alive.
I tried to hold my breath thinking it would kill me but it just forced my tears to trickle.

The phone rang. It rang and rang and rang and rang…
until it became irritating to my ears,
until it became so deafening.
So I put my hands on my ears. But it didn’t change anything.
I can still hear the phone ringing.

I was shouting; stop! Stop! But it wouldn’t stop ringing.
I’m grinding my teeth, hardening my jaw.
I felt anger inside me. I felt the burning inside me.
I don’t want to answer it.
I don’t want to talk to you.

I am your friend.
But what did you do?
I am your friend.
But are you my friend?

The phone’s not ringing anymore, it’s like an hour before it finally stop..

I never ever remember you asking if I’m alright.
I never heard you say how are you?
I never heard you say how about you?

You never let me feel that you are my friend
when all I did is to make you feel alright.
You never call me just to ask what I’m feeling.
You never tell me it’s gonna be okay
but in the first place, you didn’t think what I’m feeling.
Why???
Because whenever I call, it was always about you.
Whenever you call, it was all about you.
Every time we talk, it was always about you!

You didn’t think of others.
All you think is just ‘yourself’, ‘your’ feelings.

I am your friend.
I’ve been your friend.
I was your friend.

But even for just a second, you’ve never been a friend to me.
It was always YOU!
It was always yourself only!
I’ve been a friend to you but for you I was just an acquaintance.
Nothing more.

I gave importance to you.
I listened to you.
I comforted you.
I never let you down.

You never gave any importance to me.
You never listen to me.
You just talk and talk.
You never asked me my problems.
You didn’t bother asking about my feelings.
You never lift me up.
You never try to make me smile.

You just never know how much it had hurt me.
And it’s still hurting me…

^~~~^

He Searched For Love But Found Hatred Instead

HE SEARCHED for her. Simply because he wanna know her. Because not knowing her is not like knowing his whole self. Not knowing her is like never having a satisfying day. Not knowing her is like carrying a heaviness inside him. Not knowing her is like not knowing a part of him. Not knowing her is like not having a life at all.

So he desperately search for him. He desperately wanted to know her. He search for her in every possible way he can. And just one day, poof! He found it. He found her. He realized that wanting to find her and finding her are two very different situation. Wanting to find her; he was expecting to find her. But then finding her is like an unexpected thing to happen even if he’s already expecting it. He found her but then he’s on a dead end.

Yes he did find her. But what to do now? He didn’t have any plan at all. He had planned to search for but what will he do when he already saw her? He search for her because he wanted her love. The love that must be given to him without asking for it. The love that must be given to him unconditionally by her. The love that was never given to him at all. The love that was deprived from me by the person who was supposed to be giving it. That love that was lost even before it was given.

He wanted her into his life. He wanted her to be a part of his life. He wanted her to do her responsibility to him. He wanted her to love him. He  wanted her to care for him as how she would have cared to someone she loves. He was not just searching for her but also for what she must be doing. He was longing for those things. But it didn’t do him any good. Even finding her didn’t cause any better. Searching for her was right but finding her was a mistake. It was worst than ever. He never know when will he call her mother or will he ever?

He have searched for her love. But what he found was hatred. Hatred for himself and for her. He hated himself for finding her and he hated her for not minding to search for him at all. He hated himself for wanting to know her and he hated her for acting oblivious. He hated himself for wanting her into his life, for needing her care, for longing her love and he hated her for leaving him in the first place. He hated himself for not thinking of the aftermath of what he was doing, for not thinking of the changes that have happened over the years and he hated her for not wanting to know what have happened to him either.

He was so wrong. He was sorry for himself. Searching for her, he found hatred and he put it in his heart. And it was no good. No good at all.

^~~~^

It’s Been a Part Of My Day [And Yours?]

I CAN hear it. But even before I ask my friends, it was gone. Then I heard it again. In a matter of milliseconds, it was gone again. Before long, there it is again. And it bothers me. So this time I asked my friends. But they said they don’t hear anything. I said nevermind. And it was gone. I waited and waited for another sound until I forgot about it totally. No sound anymore.

The next day, I was again with my friends. We’re eating and laughing. I was laughing so hard when I heard something. I suddenly stop. It sounds familiar. Then I remember what I heard yesterday. Yes! That’s it. I heard it again today. But why? We were on different place. I just thought that what I heard yesterday was coming from the place where we have stayed. But now here it is again. I asked my friends. They just answered the same; they didn’t hear anything. There it is again. And it really bothers me. I waited and waited for another sound until I forgot about it totally. No sound anymore.

That very day, I was walking with one of my close friend. I told her about it. But she said there’s nothing really. They haven’t heard anything at all while we were together. She said; don’t think about it anymore, there’s really nothing. So I tried to forget about it.

The next day I was walking to go home. I was walking alone. I heard it again. This time I recognized it. It was clear but not as clear to understand what it’s saying or what sound was that really. But it was like whispering. Whispering to whom, I didn’t know. The sound, I didn’t know if it sounded scary but it didn’t scared me at all. Even when I heard it the first time. It just bothers me but it didn’t scare me. I veered my head left and right. No one. I look ahead and look back. No one. As if on cue, I heard myself; what are you? what is it? Then I heard nothing. My friend called me on the phone that night. I set aside telling her what had happened. Besides I just heard it and when I talk, it was gone.

The next day I heard it again, then the following day until I get used to it. As if it is really a part of my day. Then just one day my friend approaches me and ask me about it. Are you still hearing it? I was shocked for I totally erased in my mind telling it to anyone. But I told her simply, yes. Then she admitted it. She heard it too the moment I asked them. And the night she called me, she called me to talk about it. She was expecting me to tell her that I heard it again but she thought that it stopped for I didn’t mention it so she didn’t mention about it too. The whisperers’ whispers are bothering. It’s been whispering everyday. It never got tired.

It’s about time to say this; focus.. It’s about time to ask you; can you hear it??

The End Of No Beginning

YOU WON’T talk to me.
You don’t even mind looking at me.

I wanted to talk to you,
it’s just.. I’m too shy to do so.
I simply glimpse at you,
it’s just.. I don’t want you to notice.

We’re out of stories, nothing to talk about.
You wouldn’t open another topic.
But I want another conversation.
Yet I’m forced to say goodbye.

We’re out of stories, nothing to talk about.
I waited but you wouldn’t open another topic.
And I wanted another conversation.
I don’t want to hear you say goodbye.

We’ve talked and talked.
Talk about things, random things,
but never the things about us.

Please tell me to stay
and I’ll stay.

Please stay.
I wanted to say.
But I just can’t let the words out.

Please tell me you need me,
and I’ll be with you.

I need you.
I wanted to tell you.
But I just can’t manage to utter.

I need to go, I stare at you,
but you didn’t look back.
So I walk away with a pricked heart.

You need to go, I feel vulnerable,
so I didn’t look at you.
And you walk away, I’m with my pricked heart.

I let you go
but you’ll never know
because I never tell you so
what I really felt for you –status quo.

I let you slip away
but you’ll know in no way
because I never ever say
what I really felt for you right away.

 

Now tell me; there’s no love lost.
But I tell you; THERE IS A LOVE LOST.

^~~~^

My Friend’s a Fiend

I WAS jumping and jumping
my happiness in the ceiling
so I told him everything
he listens and listens
to my stories of sirens
he said, that’s great!
with a big smile of fate.

I was sobbing and sobbing
my head in the railing
so I told him everything
he listens and listens
to my whining of sirens
he said, it’ll gonna be okay,
but that’s what all say.

He is a friend, my friend
my trust’s never bend
so my stories never end
he said, I’m always here
but he’s just always near.

He’s wicked, he’s a fiend,
but he’s my friend.
He’s quiet, he’s silent,
but to me he’d always went.
He’s unique, he’d agonized,
but he always sympathizes.

^~~~^

She Loves The Rain And You Don’t

IT STARTED to rain. People get their umbrellas to avoid the raindrops, to avoid from getting wet. Some started to run looking for a place nearby to hide from the raindrops, to avoid from getting wet. Some don’t know what to do. Some started to take a ride to avoid from getting wet. Cats and dogs started to run searching for something to use or some place to hide to avoid from getting wet. Birds from different directions started to fly searching for, if not trees then some place to stay to avoid from getting wet.

For that moment, it seems all people, even animals, don’t want to get wet, that’s what they’re thinking; getting wet. Getting wet will ruin them, ruin their day, their clothes, their appearance.

But there is this one girl who, among others, didn’t mind. She watches as the raindrops fall from the sky to the leaves of the trees, to the grasses, to the people, to the rooftop, to earth.

She wanted to feel the touch of the rain. In the middle of that raining, she stayed. She closes her eyes. She felt its touch, its touch seems comforting her. She heard its every drops, its drops seems talking to her. She felt its coldness, its coldness seems hugging her. She opened her eyes and started to run. She runs in circles, arms wide open, through the rain; hugging it, feeling it, appreciating it, letting the water lingers on her skin. A smile was formed in her face, a smile of sadness with appreciation. It was great, really.

If one is watching her right at that moment, they will not recognize the sadness that encompasses her. They will not notice the tears running down her face. They will not see the remorse in her eyes. They will never know that the smile in her face was a smile of sadness.

She loves the rain for it loves her back. It protects her. It makes her happy. It comforts her. It talks to her. And most, it hides her feelings. She felt the safety under the rain. People hate it but always will she loves it.

^~~~^

She Shouldn’t Be Looking For It

SHE WANNA be in. She wanted to be in the trend. And what’s in? Everybody seems to be in love. Everyone seems to be happy about it. She wants to be one of those everybody, she wants to be  one of those everyone.

So she made a step to be one. A step that will finally makes her smile every time. A step that her feet have been waiting to take. A step that will make her in in the circle of lovers. A step to look for love.

Yes, she did look for love. Never did she think that the step she took will lead her not to the path she wanted. It took her to the path of pain. The path of pain where hurt is her guidance. She forced herself to search for it and remorse grew inside her. She shouldn’t be looking for love. There is a right time for it. There is a right person for her.

^~~~^