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Why I’d Rather Love The Night Sky

I LOVE the night sky. How I’d love to spend my time just staring at it..

I’d never done such before. I always have not enough time, I always thought.

Not enough time. Not enough time. The thing is it has been my reason to my very self. And I tend to believe that. So I live like that. Continue reading

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Seeing An Airplane Was Once Magical

WHEN I was a child, I’m fond of airplanes. Not airplanes as it is but airplanes in the sky.

Like any other child, seeing an airplane hovering above is magical –atleast that’s what I thought.

I want to see airplanes. Neither did I know, it gives me a different feeling. As a toddler, I’m longing to see airplanes so I waited and waited. Nighttime is much more beautiful. The blinking light that they made, the way it passes by up above the night sky like a shooting star..

It is was magical.. Before long, I realized; airplanes made me sad.

Airplanes made me sad because it gives me hope –a hope that’ll be forever as it is. Those moments– whenever I see an airplane, I will stretch my hand and pointed it. Not yet satisfied with that action, I’ll proudly cry;

there’s an airplane!

as if being the first one to see the airplane is something.

Airplanes made me think of someone. Seeing an airplane gives me the hope of seeing that someone who is special to me. Everytime I see an airplane, I assume that my SS (someone special) is in that plane and in a moment or two, I’ll be able to meet him. I know it’s not possible but for a child, there’s nothing impossible, right?

And it goes on. I can’t help myself from assuming that he is really there in that plane I’m seeing, that he’s just there right above me looking for me on the ground –I’m hoping that I’ll see him, expecting that I’ll have him with me all the time like what I saw in any other toddlers.

Yes this goes on til I grew up –and so does the hurting.

Seeing an airplane is magical.. yet dismal.

^~~~^ ★

I Die a Little

OSTRACIZED
DON’T know what’s going on
they are laughing
they are whispering
i’m out of it
rejected
been told a lie
not knowing
striking words
seeing a family
‘dad’ and ‘mom’
hearing the word mother
thinking of grandparents
friendship planning
lost kinship
saw them together
got my heart pricked
i die a little
i die a little

The Dream I Used To Dream

WHEN I was younger and knew nothing about such.. I used to dream. We all dream, dream, and dream. Dreams which made us happy. Dreams which pump us with so much gasoline. Dreams which never run out of energy. Unlimited dreams.

And there are nights when I used to think what I dreamed when I was younger and still oblivious to the meaning of the word.. Dream.

Yes. When I was younger I thought dreams are true. I mean.. dreams will happen eventually. I thought that when I dream, it would really happen. That when I dream, it”ll be what I’ll face. But reality proves me wrong. I am wrong.

Time and such add up. I am terribly wrong. I wanted to cry but I’m not a child anymore. Besides, what will you think? That I cried because I didn’t understand the word dream? That I cried because I was wrong? If I’m still a toddler maybe I’ll cry but now I’m being mature.. I’m acting as what people in my age do.

The nights when I thought of my dreams.. this is one of those nights. As a child, of course I dream of a lot of things.

I can still remember when someone asks what I wanted to be, I’ll say I wanted to be an astronaut. I love the night sky. I love to look at the moon. I wanted to wear what they wear; those bulky clothes and I really love that uhm helmet, the glass on their faces. I wanted to fly and wonder how they did it. Then I’ll ask, “Are there astronauts in the Philippines?”

I heard a lot of kids wanted to be a teacher because they want to teach children, too. A lot of kids wanted to be a doctor because they want to help others. A lot of kids wanted to be a police because they wanted to caught the bad people. Those professions never crossed my mind.

When I reached middle school.. I dreamed of being a doctor, for once it finally crossed my mind. But I hated Science and such. I’m afraid to blood and stuff. I just wanted that thing hanging in their neck that when you put in your ears, you’ll hear funny sounds which will made you giggle.

When I reached high school.. I dreamed of being an accountant. But it was just for a moment. It never crossed my mind again. Then I dreamed of being an engineer. I wanted to hear people calling me engineer plus my name or surname. Being an engineer is what really I wanted.. but I didn’t pass; Geodetic engineering it was.

Reading a lot of novels about secret agent, CIA, FBI, spy, and watching movies about detective, crime and investigation, and such pushed me to dream of being a secret agent. I wanted to take up Criminology and then when I graduate, I’ll become one of those people who carry guns and wave their badges and solve crimes. Oh! how I really wanted to be one of them!

For a while, I also dream of being a lawyer. I wanted to be that person who’ll ask and ask and interrogate people sitting in the hot seat. Then I’ll won eventually because I am a goddamn smart lawyer.

I’ve dreamed a lot of things. Dream. Dream. Dream. And none of it really happens.

I’ve dreamed a lot of things. Complicated. Then I realized deep inside me, I have this dream. I long for this dream. But I knew it’ll just be a dream and nothing more. Forever a dream: having a parents.

Dreams thought me the word impossible. It’s funny how words taught me some more words.

^~~~^