Tell Me This Ain’t Sweet!

IF THIS is not friendship, then tell me what it is.

We used to be strangers. We used to be diffident. We used to be ‘just’ somebody.. but not until the hands of the clock played with us and made our paths crossed.

Why friendship really means a lot to me? Neither have I ever wanted to be alone nor manage to lose someone important to me over again..

We talk as if there’s a microphone in front of us. We share stories as if we never run out of it. We tell jokes as if we’re comedians. We sing even the corniest thing as if it is that noteworthy. We laugh as if tomorrow’s about to end. We giggle as if we’re the only people in the world. We laugh as if our laughter is set on its maximum volume. We laugh as if we never run out of air. We cry out even the slightest detail of happenings as if it would change a thing. And sometimes we even fight as if we’re still toddlers. Yet we seem to share everything.

We share even the nothing as if it is something. But for us, even the nothing is everything!

I never thought it would feel like this having you as my friends. I never thought I would belong in a bunch of crazy people. I never thought I would have people like you in my life. I never thought it would matter this big. And I cannot find the word that would describe your presence in my life, as if it didn’t exist yet.

You want to know the truth?

Even before I go to college, even before I step in this university, of course I was terrified because I knew that one step forward, everything will change. Once I go on, my life would be totally different than what it used to be when I was just in high school. So I decided to ask Him; Just give me a couple of friends and I’ll be okay. Just a couple.. and I think I’ll make it through..

I know He heard me but He didn’t give me that because He gave me people that are worth millions. He gave me people who I can call as friends. Maybe you don’t know what your effects on me are. But I’ll tell you guys, it’s big time.

I never plan to write this but it just pops out of me. I need to write this. I badly needed to write it out.

You guys.. You taught me to be tough. You taught me to stay optimistic. You taught me that lowering a pride doesn’t mean being weak. You taught me to express my feelings somehow. You taught me that showing emotions is not a bad thing. You taught me that opening up will make things better. You taught me to appreciate myself. You taught me that friendship is not just a word, that friendship is more than just what-you-are and what-you-have. You taught me that friendship is more than just a label.

You taught me things I never learned in school.

Once for all, you all know that I don’t say I miss you. You all know that I don’t say I love you. Those words hardly ever come out of my mouth. Seldom.. But you taught me.. And now I’m telling you once.. But telling you once doesn’t necessarily mean it’s just one time. Telling you once doesn’t mean I just feel it this time.

I’ll tell you once but this means that it’ll be forever. It’ll be as always. It’ll be until tomorrow ends. I miss you.. and I hate to say that.. I love you guys! There you go!

If this is not friendship, then tell me what is it? I don’t want to ask you to read this. I just wanted you to read this without me telling you to do so. But I hope you guys will see it. But this will be just another nothing if I won’t write your names. The bunch of crazy people; Berns, Mors, Chants, Raychel, Trisha, Pink.. and yes, they are my friends and I’m one of these crazy people.

If this is not friendship, then tell me what is it?

 

^~~~^

A Mother Like This Isn’t a Mother At All

I HEARD a lot of things about mothers. How mothers know best, how a mother’s love’s unconditional, how a mother care so much, how a mother will sacrifice everything, how a mother will do everything, how a mother will do this-and-that-impossible stuff.. And all I can think of is “shit”.

I stop believing those phrases long ago! I’ve unlearn what the word mother means. It’s just a word for me and nothing more.. Even typing that certain word makes me feel like I’m doing something I must not be doing. It’s like a sin.. and so does writing this one.

Mother? I never had one. Ever.

But yes, sometimes it would hit me what it would be like to have a mother. A mother more than just word. A real mother. It would hit me and whenever it did, it’ll landed right through me making me feel like I’m just another human being betrayed, abandoned, and unloved. And I know you know what it felt like.

Questions punch me here and there even if I’m trying hard to avoid those, it will caught me off guard.. And their punches hurts. So much.

I don’t know why it hurts so much when in fact there’s no memory of leaving. I don’t know why it hurts so much when I’ve managed to live for 18 years without ‘it’. Yes, sometimes I prefer to use ‘it’ more than ‘mother’. I know it’s maybe somewhat rude but bear with me, I’m not used to using the word mother or mom. It rarely comes out of my mouth either.

All I want to know is what happened. Everybody’s mouth is shut up about it. Not even one wants to tell me. And I think I’m in the right age to know what really happened then. Someone owes me the truth..

I’m angry at her because she left us.. yet I don’t know if ‘left’ is the right word to use but hey it was her choice; a choice which ruins a life, a choice which deprived me something everyone needed, a choice she alone have chosen. After all these years, she can do anything just to talk to me but she never did anything at all. There are these social networking and stuff, we never change our address, she knows where we are but why doesn’t she act? Why don’t do anything if there’s so much ways? Why choose to stay away?

Maybe because she just doesn’t care. At all. Plain and simple.

Well thanks for bringing me in this world. And thanks, too, for making me suffer like this.

^~~~^

Your Eyes

YOUR EYES told me
how much you love me..

but you
never did tell it to me.

^~~~^

Pretending Everything’s Fine

IT’S JUST hard to pretend that everything’s okay. It’s harder to pretend that you’re fine, when in fact you’re feeling the other way around. Harder, too, when you know that the person who made you feel that way is there with you.

Everyday I had to carry the burden and face the fact that I will see the person who made me feel miserable. And you know how it’s annoying that she’s acting like everything is fine between us.

Everything is not fine. Why can’t we admit that something is wrong! There’s a problem. Or maybe, it’s just about me? Or maybe, I’m the problem itself?

But every time I see her, I am hurting. I can’t prevent the hurt.. No one can. Knowing that she knew she did something wrong..  knowing that she knew I was hurt and all I am waiting for is her apology.. all I am waiting for is her ‘sorry’.. all I am waiting for is the confrontation that never take place, –will never maybe.

Every time I see her, I can’t forget how she lied to us.. I can’t remove the lies in her face.. I can’t erase what she had done.. I can’t unheard what she had said.. I always remember..

Every time I see her, I had to deal with what I’m feeling –the hurt. Why do everytime I look into her eyes I saw nothing? No remorse, no concern, nothing at all..

I am hurt because she is my friend, and vice versa –that is what I thought.

I don’t know if what I am to her now. An acquaintance? A companion? I don’t know!!

All I know is, she used to be my friend. We used to share secrets. We used to tell stories. We used to be together.. I used to be her friend.. but now I’m starting to realize her definition of friendship..

–availability

Yeah I think that’s what friendship for her. Whoever’s available to be with her that’s her friend. And whoever’s not, is simply not.

^~~~^

 

You Smile, I Smile

YOU DON’T need to give me

any reason to smile

You alone..

made me smile.

 

^~~~^

The Better Way

THE BETTER way?

There’s no other way.

There’s only one way.

Just one..

and you have

to make it better.

^~~~^

Carpe Diem Berns!

DEAR BERNS!

You told me to write about you a number of times maybe? But I just don’t want.. yet. Maybe because I want to write about you without you telling me to do so. But here it is. I’m writing about you.

Why?

Well.. because this day is special.. And now I have the reason to write about you, to write to you. Haha.

Last summer, my birthday, you know you made me weep a little. Haha.. Well today, I want you to weep, too.

It’s been what? 7 years? 4 years in the corner of the classroom, always seatmates. Plus the years in college. Seven years of friendship? A big NO! Because friendship is not measured by years, not even by numbers.

And now I will bring you back. Back to those days.. not just happy days but also to the one that make us sad.

Remember the..

*FIDEL and (can’t write mine here)?
*time when we walk from one barangay all the way to San Agustin and we were a bit panicking and pretending to be calm as possible?
*time when you got angry with me because of the trike-thing? (It’s lunch time, first year maybe) I know it’s my fault and I apologize. But you were angry and you ignored me for sometime.
*trike days with Celine and Papaps? also the bus ride with Papaps and Celine where we were being hushed by the conductor?
*time when we’ve done all the things just to complete the Simbang gabi? Simba here and there. Simba this-and-that time.
*timessss when you pull my hair?
*time when you always “barat” trike drivers?
*time when you always say “papatayin kita!” and “kakalbuhin kita!”
*time you cried because of boodle fight? lol
*PRIVELAGE?? HAHAHA!
*Sanchai? the “c’mon-and-get-me” of the jeepney?
*stare-thing? how you’re so afraid(?) of it!

hmmm.. I’ve got lots of those things-to-reminisce but there are things I can’t write here. You know, secrets! Oh you know it already!!

I know you that much as how you’ve known me. As what you’ve said, “napakalaki mo na kasing parte ng buhay ko..” and “you know too much”.. Well it’s the same. You’ve been a part of my life and there are things that I don’t know if I can do if you’re not there.. And you also know TOO MUCH! HAHAHA. A big thanks to you!

But you think I will make it easy for you just because it’s your birthday? No way! HAHAHA So here! I’ve got you something to decode! Decode it!! I know you can (:

JS[[U NOTJFSU NRTMD! UPI’TR EJSY? 20? JSJSJS! DS;S,SY DS ;SJSY SY DPTTU DPTTU –S;S, LPMH HSDHSD MS YP [RTP HSMIM YS;SHS OG UPI ,RSM OY. SMF O ,RSM OY (:

JS[[U NOTJFSU I;OY KPMSJ NRTMSFRYYR GRTMSMFRX R,;SMO!! ER ;PBR UPI SMF UPI LMPE YJSY!

(PS. YOU WANT CLUE? QWERTY. YUN NA YUNG CLUE! QWERTY.)

HAHAHA! Decode it if you want to know the message written there.

You deserve to be happy! And I hope this simple words of mine will definitely make you, if not happy, then maybe even just smile? Hahaha!

I’m thanking you for the friendship, for being there.. And I’m thanking Him because He gave me a friend like you, a good one, a true one. (:

This is your day. A special one for you. Carpe diem!

. . . . H . . . . . . . . . . . . Y . . . . . . . . . . . . . . T . . . . . . . . . . . . Y . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . N . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . A . . . . . . P . . . . . B . . . . . . R . . . . . . H . . . . . . A . . . . . . B . . . . . . R . . . . . . . S . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . P . . . . . . . . . . . . . I . . . . . . . . . . . . . . D . . . . . . . . . . . . . . E . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ! . .

^~~~^
GH (remember?)

Sorry.

How do you know if you did something wrong?

What are the things that will tell you that you’re on the wrong path?

What are in the list of “How to know if you’ve done something bad”?

I don’t know if what I’ve done is bad. I don’t even have a clue. I hope I didn’t hurt somebody. I hope you’re not hurt at all. All I know is that I expressed what I’m feeling. I just let it out because it’s eating me alive. It’s gradually encompassing my soul, emptying me inside.. And my last resort is to sing it out. So I did.

Oh please. I never wanted to hurt somebody, especially you. I never ever wanted to  hurt you at all. I’m sorry. I’m very sorry.

I know my apology won’t erase what have happened. It won’t make you forget what you’ve read. It won’t make you unlearn what you’ve just know.. but please.. put into your mind that I never meant to make things complicated, I never really meant to hurt you, I never meant to give you any problems. From the bottom of my heart.. I’m really sorry about that.

Again, I’m sorry. But I don’t wanna lose you..

^~~~^

You Smile And The World Will

SMILE!

THERE’S a lot of reasons to smile. There’s a lot of for whom to smile.

Smile for strangers. You may never knew them but just a smile and it will make them think of why are you smiling and they, too, without realizing it, will be smiling.

Smile for your friends. Oh it will make them happy. Smile with them. Or even laugh with them and you’ll never think of your problems for a moment.

Smile for your family. Put a smile in your face and it’ll be painted in their faces, too.

Smile for your pets. This may be weird but hey, they can feel your happiness. They can feel whatever you’re feeling. So smile and they will smile with you.

Smile for babies. Oh yes! Smiling at babies is the best. You won’t smile for them, you’ll smile because of them. Just seeing a baby looking at you (or best, smiling at you) will definitely make a curve on your lips.

And lastly..

Smile for yourself. It will make you feel better. Just put a smile on your face and your brain will recognize it as happiness.. So give your mind and heart a break. Smile! (:

Smile for everyone and they will smile at you, for you (:

^~~~^

Ano’ng Meron Sa Butas Ng Donut?

ANG BUHAY ay parang donut, may butas sa gitna..

May kulang ba? Bakit kailangan may butas? Ilan lang yan sa mga tanong na marahil naiisip ng ibang tao kagaya ko.

Hindi natin alam kung ano yung palaging kulang, hindi natin alam kung bakit dapat may butas sa gitna. Hindi natin alam yung dahilan..

Pero hindi ba, hindi natin naiisip yung mga bagay na yun? Hindi naman natin sya napapansin? Pero tulad nga ng iba, marahil ay tulad ko din na nais din malaman. Marahil tulad ng iba at tulad ko ay sumagi sa isipan na magtanong o mag isip ng mga ganung bagay.

Donut. Oo, masarap. Kakagatin natin. Kakainin.. Hanggang sa maubos. Donut. Pag kinain na natin saka natin marerealize sa huli na wala palang kulang.

Walang kulang. Na sapat na pala. Kung minsan gusto pa natin, parang nakukulangan. Pero ang di natin alam ay kapag kumain ulit tayo sa pangalwang pagkakataon ay hindi ba, hindi tulad ng satisfaction na naramdaman natin sa unang pagkakataon? Iba pa din ang isa. Iba pa din ang una.

Sapat na ang isa. Dalwahin mo at masarap pa din ngunit bumaba ang kalidad. Tatluhin mo at mas nabusog ngunit sapat lamang sa pandadagdag sa tyan at di na inisip ang sarap o lasa. Apatin mo at sobra na.. Limahin mo at hanggang sa isuka mo na.

Ewan ko kung bakit ko ‘to sinusulat. Hindi ko din alam kung bakit ko ‘to naiisip. Hindi ko rin alam kung sasang-ayon kayo sa akin. Ang tanging alam ko lang ay sa pagkain ng donut.. Ngunit hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ito sumagi sa isipan ko.

Parang buhay ang donut. Ika ko nga nung una, may butas. May kulang? Ngunit pag kinain saka lang mararamdaman na “ay, tama lang pala. ay, masarap pala”

Parang buhay na kapag namuhay lang tayo, may kulang?

Parang buhay na sa kakaisip natin kung ano yung kulang nakakalimutan natin ang ibang bagay na nasa harap na natin.

Parang buhay na sa kakaintindi natin sa mismong buhay, naiwawalang bahala natin ang mga ibang bagay na may tunay na kahulugan sa atin.

Parang buhay na sa kakahanap natin sa kulang ay sya din pagkawala ng paningin natin sa kahalagahan ng kung ano’ng meron tayo.

Parang buhay na akala natin palaging kulang, hindi pala.

Hindi pala. Sapagkat kaya lang naman sya nagkukulang ay dahil na rin sa ating kaisipang “may iba akong kailangan”

Sapagkat kaya lang naman sya nagkukulang ay dahil na rin sa hinaing nating “bakit wala ako nito? bakit wala ako nun?”

Sapagkat kaya lang naman sya kulang ay dahil na rin sa paniniwalang “bakit ba palaging may kulang?”

Bakit hindi nating subukang mamuhay lang at wag intindihan ang kulang.. wag kwestyunin ang buhay..

Huwag na tayong mag aksaya pa ng panahon sa pag intindi sa mismong buhay, mamuhay na lang tayo sa alam nating paraan.

Tara! Iwanan muna ang mga isipin. Donut? (:

^~~~^