The Call

I HEARD my phone ringing. It was at the side of my laptop. I veered my head. I was about to answer it. Unknown caller.. But upon seeing the number… I knew. I knew it was him. I don’t know his number but seeing the first 2 digits lets me know that it was him.

I let it ring. Twice. Thrice. Four times. Five times before answering it. It will be rude of me if I didn’t answer. It would make me bad if I will not answer it.

So I answer it.

Am I that bad if I don’t feel like talking to him?
Am I that bad if I won’t open up to him?
Am I that bad if I won’t tell stories to him?
Am I that bad if I am not that comfortable talking to him?
Am I that bad if I’m a bit irritated?
Am I that bad?

I feel neither hate nor anger. But I feel something bad.. I don’t know what it is. But is it even my fault?

^~~~^

I Can’t

I JUST can’t write a thing about anything now.. I just can’t. I’ll be back blogging soon. I don’t know how soon. A day? Week? Month? I can’t say right now..

But I’ll probably be back..

I’m just into something..

^~~~^

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Unclothing The Unconcious Self

WHAT IS mandala? That was my question, too, upon hearing it. Yes it is a requirement to us to make one. But even if it is a must-do, our prof told us to take it seriously and do it with a peace of mind. It is sacred, she said.

I search for it in the internet to understand more about mandala. Mandala means circle. It is “a representation of the unconscious self”. So I really need to take it seriously. Our prof said it will tell a lot about ourselves through that mandala. We can use whatever we wan, we can draw whatever we want. But the circle is a requirement. Also, we should be drawing in a place where we feel comfortable, in a quiet place, in a place where we are relaxed..

Yes I don’t have any problem on drawing because it’s my passion. I draw. I want to draw. Drawing has been ‘in’ me. The only problem that I knew I will encounter is how to start and how to finish it.

To be honest, I find it hard to make a mandala. I find myself stuck, with nothing to think and nothing to draw. I’ve managed to finish my mandala (almost) within a day. I started to draw then I’ll stop and think. Hmm.. not just think, more on.. reflect on myself, about myself. Then draw again. Reflect. Draw. Until I’m satisfied with it.

Background story: I don’t have a favorite color. And I stopped using color or oil pastel in drawing. I just use a pencil. But where I’m really comfortable is in using pen (ballpen). Yes, pen. It’s alright with me if I’ll have a mistake. What is in my mind is that, if i did something wrong, I’ll do anything and everything to make it as perfect as possible. I know I can’t make it right anymore but it doesn’t mean that it will not be perfect.

Being good is not a compilation of right, but a compilation of wrongs with the right things to do to make everything fall into place.

So here’s my mandala in the making using pen:

my all-set mandala

I want to elaborate what every symbol, drawing, or image drawn in my mandala but it will take too much time and too much words. So I just want you to understand it for yourself. But feel free to ask me anytime, I am more than willing to answer it (:

By the way, I named my mandala; Naked Colors. And I’ve got a number of reasons why.. But I’ll let you handle the realization of why such (;

^~~~^

Sa’yo Kaya?

HINDI KO na alam yung gagawin ko.. Gustung gusto ko syang i-open or sabihin sa iba. Pero hindi ko magawa. Hindi ko din kasi alam kung kailan, at kung kanino dapat?

Kanino ba dapat?

Natatakot kasi ako sa maaaring mangyari pag nalaman ng iba. Natatakot ako sa kung ano ang idudulot nun sakin at sa ibang tao.

Pero.. kasi naman. Antagal tagal na nito. At hanggang ngayon eh di ko pa din nasasabi. Kaya naba-bother pa rin ako kasi ang hirap pag ako lang yung may alam. Ang hirap kaya magtago. Pero di naman talaga sya sikreto, mahirap lang na wala akong mapagsabihan..

Kanino ba dapat?

Haaaay. Kaya di ako mapakali lagi eh. Lagi ko kasi yun naiisip. Kung may mapagsasabihan lang talaga akooo -.-

Kanino ba dapat?

^~~~^

A Love Of Grandparents

BECAUSE TODAY is the 63rd wedding anniversary of my beloved grandparents (:

Inay and Tatay

Both of them are not here anymore, physically. But I know they’re just always here. Sometimes they would even visit me in my dreams..

I really love them, so much. They undoubtedly gave the love and affection to us. They became our parents. They really taught us everything a child needs to know. I don’t know what my life would be if they weren’t there for me.

They just simply love us without ifs and buts. And I simply feel the same way about them (:

^~~~^

Back To Normal: Where We WERE Friends

WE’RE FRIENDS. Partners.

We used to hang out. We used to share secrets. We used to tell even non sense stories. We used to tell jokes and laugh together. We even used to play like kids. We used to text. We used to chat..

We’re friends. We laugh like any other friends do. We talk like any other friends do.

Then people started to tease us. I like you then. I like you even before I knew your name, even before we became friends. But I hide it in order to retain our friendship. I know better than to tell it to you.

But then, something happened. Our friendship collapsed. We let others break the bond between us.

And I hate the fact that we both let them to.

No more friendship? But there are still feelings.

You knew I like you. I don’t know if the feelings are mutual. But there are times when you let me feel like I’m someone special.

You let me guess lock number combinations. Random numbers… and I got it. Your birthday… and I got it. Then you finally said I won’t be able to guess the following combination. But I did. The combination is… 143.

I don’t even know if you do it on purpose but if you did.. well I.. can’t say anything.

Prom night is coming and you wanted a picture of us and I don’t know why. So you texted me and told me. I was like o.O when you ask a close friend of mine to take a picture of us (using your phone and whole body). I was like o.O when your friend slash cousin knew the picture-thing and he took a picture of us, too.

And at that very night, I feel something between us.

I love the way we whisper to each other about how embarrassing it is to stand there while all of them seems like enjoying taking picture of us. I love the way we dance and the music seems like to play forever. I love the way we talk. I just love everything about us that night.

After that night, it just came back to normal. Not the normal before where we ARE friends. But the normal one where we WERE friends..

I dunno.

Maybe it’s just we were both not sure. Maybe it’s just we were both afraid. Maybe it’s just me feeling that way. Maybe it’s just plain friendship for you. Maybe… I just don’t understand at all.

But whatever had happened, whyever it had happened, you will just always be different.

Different in a way, special.

You are and will always be… special.

^~~~^

Sana Kahit Papano

BUTI PA yung ibang tao nakikita nila.

Buti pa yung ibang tao naaappreciate nila.

Buti pa yung ibang tao natutuwa.

Buti pa yung ibang tao humahanga.

Buti pa yung ibang tao..

 

sana naman kayo din

sana naman makita nio din

sana naman maappreciate nio din

sana naman matuwa din kayo

sana naman humanga din kayo

sana naman hindi lang yung puro kamalian makita nio

sana naman kahit papano maging katulad kayo nung ibang tao.

 

buti pa sila nakikita yung kahalagahan

sana naman kayo din

sana naman kahit papano..

 

masakit

na yung ibang tao bukas ang mga mata

tapos kayo, bukas nga

nagbubulag bulagan naman

 

masakit

na yung ibang tao nagagawa ngang magsalita

tapos kayo, nagsasalita nga

yung mga kamalian naman ang pinapamukha

 

masakit

na yung ibang tao nakikinig

tapos kayo, may tainga nga

yung sarili nio lang pinapakinggan nio

 

masakit

na yung ibang tao naiintindihan nila

tapos kayo, di nio maintindihan

ayaw niong intindihin na marami din akong iniisip

 

masakit

na yung ibang tao nakakausap ko

tapos kayo, nakakausap ba?

ni hindi nio magawang pagsalitain ako

 

masakit

na yung ibang tao tinatanggap ako

tapos kayo, mi ultimo isang maling galaw

parang ang sama sama ko nang tao

 

masakit

sana kayo na lang yung ibang tao

sana kayo na lang sila

sana tulad nila kayo

 

para naman hindi masakit

para naman kahit papano

kayo yung inspirasyon ko

hindi yung ibang tao

 

sana talaga kahit papano…

iparamdam nio din

yung pinaparamdam ng ibang tao

 

sana kahit papano…

^~~~^

Worth Keeping, Worth Remembering!

NEW FOUND happiness from the people I just met
new found festivities from these people
new found moment with these people

these people made the pain go away
these people made me laugh all the way
these people made the trip worth it

I had a really great time with them.
They are more than fun to spend time with.

falls with teammates, yay! cold water

              running water and we pose for a picture;                    (L-R) Selma, Karen, me, Trisha, Jumine, Junine

breakfast/mirienda (pandesal and liver spread)

unfinished presentation of food for boodle fight

Black Cats with Ma’am Mayo

                           Black Cats on the water; (L-R)                           Karen, Lot, Me, Junine, Jonah

(pink team) The Vipers who shared their prizes to us; (L-R) Yel, Justine, Cecile, Aleli, Nadine

(blue team) The Royal Blue

laughing about..

                                       the “wala lang” game;                                          (L-R) Selma, Karen, Erwin, Ken, Trisha

savoring the running water

                   the grey team cheering for their cheer!;                       (L-R) Jumine, Selma, Aj, Carlo, Jem, Rachel

                               been waiting to go down;                                       (L-R) Trisha, Jonah, Karen, Selma, me

candid shot – laughing for startling; Karen and me

Royal Blue broiling the eggplant

vanmates (the grey and black team)

Black Cats broiling the liempo

having fun on the running water – like kids!

The Grey Team (vanmates and co-team of Black Cats)     (L-R) AJ, Carlo, Selma, Jem, Jumine, Rachel

the pleasure of tampisaw; Karen and me

Lot and me

it’s raining happiness

Karen and Lot (black)

me and Jonah (black)

   Grey Team who also prepared for Black Cats’ food;  (L-R) AJ, Jem, Rachel, Selma, Jumine, Carlo

the PE 2 OR class

these are the PEOPLE I’m talking about

meet the suspect for our happiness, Prof. Mayo

di man tayo natuloy sa trekking, di naman nawala ang saya at tawanan (:

this trip wouldn’t be that fun if these people are not there,
this trip wouldn’t be that fun if the people there are not them,
this trip wouldn’t be that worth remembering if I’m not with these people,
well.. this trip is a lot lot more fun!

A lot more than what I expected it to be (:

(photos were grabbed from Lot. hihi)

^~~~^

Close To Giving Up

WHY DOES IT HAS TO BE LIKE THIS??

I DON’T know. I know I’ve been hanging for so long. But why all of a sudden, I lose it.

Yes I’ve been hanging for so long. Maybe it was too long, it’s more than enough. And crying is my last resort. I want to punch the wall. I want to let it out. But I don’t want to be so violent in front of others who seem to care. I don’t want them to see my violent side. But I can’t hold it any longer. So I lose it all. I cried. I cried because it was my last resort. I chose to be the stilly-me which forced me to cry than the violent-me.

I cried because.. it’s that complicated. I cried because I am close to giving up. Everyday I woke up just to think of those problems. Every night when I go to bed, all I think is just them(problems) again. Even when I’m supposed to be doing something important, I end up thinking of them again. And thinking of them every now and then makes me want to sleep.

Just sleep and leave them alone. Just sleep and not think of them. Just sleep and relax. But I was wrong. Because even in my sleep, they were there, invading my dreamland. Even in my sleep they won’t let me go. Even in my sleep they want to be with me.

I just want to walk away. I just want to leave them as they were. I just want to give up. I just want to sleep. I just want to punch it out. I just want to cry it out. I just want to let it out. And right now I’m letting it out..

I cried not because I am weak. I cried because I just can’t take it any longer. I cried because I can’t hold it inside yet I am trying to hide it. I cried because I am trying to delete violence in my vocabulary.

^~~~^