Let Me Close My Eyes

WHEN LAUGHS laugh with me,
I don’t wanna sleep,
I don’t even wanna close my eyes.

Terrified that if I do so,
smiles will run away even faster than Forrest Gump.

Terrified that if I do so,
faces will be as poker as John Keats’.

Scared that if I’ll open my eyes again,
the world will be different –a world where muggles are mutants,
the world will turn upside down –a world where wizards are slaves.

Scared that if I’ll open my eyes again,
I will lose ev’ry single good vibes
stolen by a person who got hands like Harry Houdini’s,
I will be staring at nothing,
staring as what Claude Monet would have been doing.

Scared that if I’ll open my eyes again,
reality will run through the veil of blurriness
like how Hermione’s Fidelius hide stuff,
reality will transform into the mirror of lies
like how Ron’s Fera Verto do so.

Petrified that things will switch itself into something
that even Albert Einstein can’t elucidate;
dreams into broken glasses as what happens
to the Dark Lord’s desire,
love into hatred as how we’ve love and hate
Haymitch Abernathy at the same time,
trust into betrayal as what Fernand and Danglars
did to Edmond Dantes.

But when misery soars up, together with the dementors,
higher than the clouds in the sky, ravenous for my happiness,
all I wanna do is close my eyes.

Close my eyes till it’s tired of craving,
close my eyes till it got a broken wing,
close my eyes till it dive into the ocean of tears.

Thinking that closing my eyes will fix everything as how magic works,
that closing my eyes will erase the feelings as how Alzheimer’s does.

Hoping that closing my eyes will make me as hard as a stone,
that closing my eyes will solve every equation of misery.

Believing that closing my eyes will put away the sorrow,
that closing my eyes will make my dreams better than the veracity.

Because once and for all,
I thought that closing my eyes, that seeing the nothing,
is the only answer to everything!


Let me close my eyes,

even just for a while.
I needed a time,
alone.

^~~~^

 

 

 

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Things People Did

*this was written not today*

 

 

WELL.. TODAY was not really my day. I was moody. Others would tell something and I’ll just rebut it. Others would ask me something and I’ll just reason out sounding like wanting a debate.

Little did I know I was already debating with myself.

People I care seems like rejecting me
People I care seems like walking out of my life
People I care seems like not caring at all

What have I done? Why do people do such things to me? Why do different people do the very same thing others have done to me? Things that hurt me. Things which, as much as possible, I was avoiding.

Am I the problem? What have I done to them that push them to do such things? What is the problem? What’s MY problem?

^~~~^

It’s Not a Title

MY GOODNESS! I hate this feeling very much! I’m so down. I wanted to cry. I’m dying inside.

Her words have power. Her words have stabbed me without warning. I just read her message for me and it hurts me. The message didn’t mind if it hurts me. I know it’s plain and straightforward but.. but it has a power over me.

I just wanted to yell. I wanted to punch just to let it out. Just to let the hurt, the pain out of me. I was bleeding inside. I want to talk to someone, to release this heaviness I’m carrying inside because I’m feeling that anytime, any moment I could burst. It’s like everybody turned their back on me. It’s like the world turned upside down. My world..

Please watch your words. It’s as sharp as a knife that stabbed me, as fast as a train that hit me. It’s as shit as a shit as a shit which hurts me. Please watch your words, how you throw them at someone. Please… you’re hurting me.

^~~~^

Too Weak To Smile

SHE JUST wanted to lay down.

She’s too tired
to argue with herself,
too tired
to do anything.

She’s too occupied
to think of any other thing.

She’s too empty
to feel anything.

She’s just tired.
Tired.

She wanted to talk to someone.
But there’s no one wanted to.

She wanted to be happy
but she just can’t
because she’s too weak.
Too weak even just to smile.

^~~~^

A Man Who Shed Tears

FOR A long time, he felt this way again. But he knows this time it’s different. Totally different. Before, those days were just days when he was tired and just doing things like drawing, listening to music, or sleeping will comfort him, will help him a little to forget things which made him feel heavy. But at this very moment, he doesn’t know, doesn’t understand even what he’s feeling.

He tried to draw but he can’t even manage his hand to move. He tried to listen to music but the song, its melody irritates his ears, its sounds turn out to be deafening. He tried to close his eyes, to sleep, but that feelings just got stronger, worse..

Why does he need to carry it alone? He found himself wanting to give up, wanting to quit. But he is a man. And men are strong. Yet not always. Men have their weaknesses. Men have their soft side which they prefer to be hidden. But this time, he can’t hide it. He can’t even manage to carry on. He just wanted the pain to stop, the pain which swallowed him and he allowed that such thing to happen.

He got a lot of things to be done but the only thing he wanted to do is cry. Cry –which others see as a verboten for men. As if seeing a man cries means he is not a man anymore, as if being a man means being a robot, as if being a man means having a heart of stone.

But he doesn’t care anymore, he doesn’t care to anything. Beside, he’s too tired and feeling too empty to care what others thought of.

He wanted to cry maybe because when he does, it will ease the pain. Somehow. He just wanted the pain out of him, out of his system.

^~~~^

The Cycle Everyone Knows

NO MATTER how different we are from one another, we’re just undergoing the same cycle. A cycle each and everyone of us knows.

We are born.
We live.
We die.

We are born, taken care of the people who were given the responsibility to.
We live, we live together with people.
We live in this crowd full of strangers who are just living as what we are doing.
And then we die. No matter what we do, we’ll all die.
Alone.

“Live together, die alone.”
(Lost-series)

^~~~^

Waiting For The Unknown

I ALSO got tired. Patience. A saying Patience is a virtue is widely known. Yeah it’s true but not all the time. What if the time would come when you can’t take it anymore, is it still a virtue? What if you waited enough, long enough?

Just like me, I am one of the others who are patience. When it comes to waiting, I am a patient one. People must be sensitive with what others are doing for them, with what others are feelings. The ones who can’t wait long enough maybe the ones who were once a patient who just got tired of waiting, got tired of hoping.

Just be aware of people around you, of people who waits for you. Maybe they just didn’t let it out, that they are already weary because they don’t want you to feel heavy. You can tell, you can feel. Be aware. Because when one got pissed off, you never know what they can do, what they are capable of, what they can sacrifice even if it means something. I have been that person. I have been waiting, for so long, so many times. I have been waiting for hours, for days, years and I have been waiting for all of my life. Waiting is just fine I can say, but waiting alone? It was worst! Why? Because I was alone. Just think of yourself. Alone. Waiting for someone you haven’t had the slightest idea if that someone will ever come. It’s not entertaining eh?

^~~~^