Let Me Close My Eyes

WHEN LAUGHS laugh with me,
I don’t wanna sleep,
I don’t even wanna close my eyes.

Terrified that if I do so,
smiles will run away even faster than Forrest Gump.

Terrified that if I do so,
faces will be as poker as John Keats’.

Scared that if I’ll open my eyes again,
the world will be different –a world where muggles are mutants,
the world will turn upside down –a world where wizards are slaves.

Scared that if I’ll open my eyes again,
I will lose ev’ry single good vibes
stolen by a person who got hands like Harry Houdini’s,
I will be staring at nothing,
staring as what Claude Monet would have been doing.

Scared that if I’ll open my eyes again,
reality will run through the veil of blurriness
like how Hermione’s Fidelius hide stuff,
reality will transform into the mirror of lies
like how Ron’s Fera Verto do so.

Petrified that things will switch itself into something
that even Albert Einstein can’t elucidate;
dreams into broken glasses as what happens
to the Dark Lord’s desire,
love into hatred as how we’ve love and hate
Haymitch Abernathy at the same time,
trust into betrayal as what Fernand and Danglars
did to Edmond Dantes.

But when misery soars up, together with the dementors,
higher than the clouds in the sky, ravenous for my happiness,
all I wanna do is close my eyes.

Close my eyes till it’s tired of craving,
close my eyes till it got a broken wing,
close my eyes till it dive into the ocean of tears.

Thinking that closing my eyes will fix everything as how magic works,
that closing my eyes will erase the feelings as how Alzheimer’s does.

Hoping that closing my eyes will make me as hard as a stone,
that closing my eyes will solve every equation of misery.

Believing that closing my eyes will put away the sorrow,
that closing my eyes will make my dreams better than the veracity.

Because once and for all,
I thought that closing my eyes, that seeing the nothing,
is the only answer to everything!


Let me close my eyes,

even just for a while.
I needed a time,
alone.

^~~~^

 

 

 

Things People Did

*this was written not today*

 

 

WELL.. TODAY was not really my day. I was moody. Others would tell something and I’ll just rebut it. Others would ask me something and I’ll just reason out sounding like wanting a debate.

Little did I know I was already debating with myself.

People I care seems like rejecting me
People I care seems like walking out of my life
People I care seems like not caring at all

What have I done? Why do people do such things to me? Why do different people do the very same thing others have done to me? Things that hurt me. Things which, as much as possible, I was avoiding.

Am I the problem? What have I done to them that push them to do such things? What is the problem? What’s MY problem?

^~~~^

It’s Not a Title

MY GOODNESS! I hate this feeling very much! I’m so down. I wanted to cry. I’m dying inside.

Her words have power. Her words have stabbed me without warning. I just read her message for me and it hurts me. The message didn’t mind if it hurts me. I know it’s plain and straightforward but.. but it has a power over me.

I just wanted to yell. I wanted to punch just to let it out. Just to let the hurt, the pain out of me. I was bleeding inside. I want to talk to someone, to release this heaviness I’m carrying inside because I’m feeling that anytime, any moment I could burst. It’s like everybody turned their back on me. It’s like the world turned upside down. My world..

Please watch your words. It’s as sharp as a knife that stabbed me, as fast as a train that hit me. It’s as shit as a shit as a shit which hurts me. Please watch your words, how you throw them at someone. Please… you’re hurting me.

^~~~^

Too Weak To Smile

SHE JUST wanted to lay down.

She’s too tired
to argue with herself,
too tired
to do anything.

She’s too occupied
to think of any other thing.

She’s too empty
to feel anything.

She’s just tired.
Tired.

She wanted to talk to someone.
But there’s no one wanted to.

She wanted to be happy
but she just can’t
because she’s too weak.
Too weak even just to smile.

^~~~^

A Man Who Shed Tears

FOR A long time, he felt this way again. But he knows this time it’s different. Totally different. Before, those days were just days when he was tired and just doing things like drawing, listening to music, or sleeping will comfort him, will help him a little to forget things which made him feel heavy. But at this very moment, he doesn’t know, doesn’t understand even what he’s feeling.

He tried to draw but he can’t even manage his hand to move. He tried to listen to music but the song, its melody irritates his ears, its sounds turn out to be deafening. He tried to close his eyes, to sleep, but that feelings just got stronger, worse..

Why does he need to carry it alone? He found himself wanting to give up, wanting to quit. But he is a man. And men are strong. Yet not always. Men have their weaknesses. Men have their soft side which they prefer to be hidden. But this time, he can’t hide it. He can’t even manage to carry on. He just wanted the pain to stop, the pain which swallowed him and he allowed that such thing to happen.

He got a lot of things to be done but the only thing he wanted to do is cry. Cry –which others see as a verboten for men. As if seeing a man cries means he is not a man anymore, as if being a man means being a robot, as if being a man means having a heart of stone.

But he doesn’t care anymore, he doesn’t care to anything. Beside, he’s too tired and feeling too empty to care what others thought of.

He wanted to cry maybe because when he does, it will ease the pain. Somehow. He just wanted the pain out of him, out of his system.

^~~~^

The Cycle Everyone Knows

NO MATTER how different we are from one another, we’re just undergoing the same cycle. A cycle each and everyone of us knows.

We are born.
We live.
We die.

We are born, taken care of the people who were given the responsibility to.
We live, we live together with people.
We live in this crowd full of strangers who are just living as what we are doing.
And then we die. No matter what we do, we’ll all die.
Alone.

“Live together, die alone.”
(Lost-series)

^~~~^

Waiting For The Unknown

I ALSO got tired. Patience. A saying Patience is a virtue is widely known. Yeah it’s true but not all the time. What if the time would come when you can’t take it anymore, is it still a virtue? What if you waited enough, long enough?

Just like me, I am one of the others who are patience. When it comes to waiting, I am a patient one. People must be sensitive with what others are doing for them, with what others are feelings. The ones who can’t wait long enough maybe the ones who were once a patient who just got tired of waiting, got tired of hoping.

Just be aware of people around you, of people who waits for you. Maybe they just didn’t let it out, that they are already weary because they don’t want you to feel heavy. You can tell, you can feel. Be aware. Because when one got pissed off, you never know what they can do, what they are capable of, what they can sacrifice even if it means something. I have been that person. I have been waiting, for so long, so many times. I have been waiting for hours, for days, years and I have been waiting for all of my life. Waiting is just fine I can say, but waiting alone? It was worst! Why? Because I was alone. Just think of yourself. Alone. Waiting for someone you haven’t had the slightest idea if that someone will ever come. It’s not entertaining eh?

^~~~^

Factual Nightmare: Those Sleepless Nights

WAY BACK three years this “thing” was first experienced by me. Every night whenever I go to bed I am frightened thinking that it will happen again. Every night I found myself lying awake staring at the darkness that encompasses my room wondering how real it was, how real it has happened.

We were peacefully sleeping, four of us in bed; in my right was my sibling and in my left was my aunt. Before long I heard a loud BANG!, just like something really gigantic has fallen in our roof. Then I questioned myself, didn’t they (people I’m with in the room) hear that? That sound was loud enough and it scared me, I was confused that they didn’t even hear that. I saw a shadow in our window which was open but we do have a screen so the insects cannot get in.

Back with the shadow I saw, it has red eyes but it was only a shadow, a shadow that looks frightening which I can call as a bodyless beast.  I was anxious, uneasy; it was pulling me towards the window, pulling me using its red eyes. I felt my body floated heading for the bodyless beast except something was holding me back, I think that something was myself, I was holding myself back. I heard someone was praying, begging God. I veered my head and saw my aunt murmuring, speaking softly but very fast. She was the one praying, a rosary in her hands with her eyes tightly closed. I decided to fight back, to stop the bodyless beast from abducting me. I was kicking and punching so hard but I cannot move. I tried to move my head but I can’t, my hands, my feet, it was like “they” was holding me tight. “They” were I do not know if human beings or just many shadows like bodyless beast. I yelled at them.

Sonofabitch! Let go of me!”, “You sonofabitch!”, “Let me go!”, “You all are shit!”, those were the phrases I barked but how much louder I shouted those, there are no sounds coming out of my mouth, it’s just in my mind that I’m shouting. I cannot move, cannot speak, and cannot even open my eyes. Then I need to do something, I tried and tried to move and shout but nothing happened. The bodyless beast was so close to getting me.

Before long I attempted again to move my leg then I woke up. I was so nervous and I inspected my surrounding, all of them were sleeping. Nothing had happened. It was just a nightmare, but a very real nightmare. Sleep. My body was begging me to sleep, my eyes wanted to sleep but I don’t want to. Like something was drugging me to sleep again. So I get up, turned on the light and jumped and jumped and jumped. I went to sleep again with the rosary in my hand praying for God’s protection.Since that happened, I find it hard to sleep at night. I started to search it on the net and found out that some had also experienced that. Until today, it never stop happening to me. It will occur for at least twice a week or at most twice a month.

^~~~^

(pictures from Google images)

What a Wonderful Place

Somebody Will Always Be There

DO YOU guys ever felt alone in your lifetime? There are some moments that I have felt lonely, that I can’t lean on anybody. There was this gloomy day after class. Together with a classmate of mine, we went to the chapel. Before we reach the chapel it rains, rains so hard. I’ve got no umbrella but my classmate has, so we shared but then my classmate decided to go home and took a ride. I was left. Alone. In the middle of that heavy rain. I started looking for anywhere to go but no near place to stop by. So I thought to go home than to stay there in the middle of the rain. I wait for a trike (tricycle), geez, all of them were taken. I waited and waited. Til I got one, but! But, I remembered that my money was a 500 paper bill and the driver doesn’t have other lower bills or coins to give my change. 20 pesos is all I needed, so I started to count my coins. I got a 10-peso coin and then 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 17, 17, 17.

There was this shiny day after my first class. Every after this class I got a company to go to my dorm coz my next class is for the next two hours. But then I told my company that I will not come with her because I need to pass my paper in other subject. So I walked to the building where I need to pass my paper and it’s so shiny and hot and I’ve got no umbrella (take note: this was college the other scenario above is secondary). When I have passed my paper I decided to take a ride to go to my dorm because I can’t walk anymore, not in this kind of day and my dorm was a slight far from where I am. When I was about to ride, I checked my wallet to see if a have coins for the cab and I found no wallet in my pocket. I looked in my bag for it but it was not also there. Oh geez, then I returned in the building where I passed my paper but didn’t have luck, I returned in the building where my first class was, but then my wallet is not there. No choice, I walked from there to my dorm in the middle of that hot and shiny day and I’m sweating.
    And I got many experiences of those, especially when it comes to umbrella. And I think there will be more incident of being alone and ashamed. But as I have experienced those, I have learned one thing, that even if I think I’m alone, I’m not, that there is always somebody with me, somebody with my side, with my heart. And that somebody is God. God is always with me, and in me. I know that everyday, even if someone has abandoned or will abandon me, God never will. He will always be with me and in me. I praise Him, I praise You my Lord.

^~~~^

(pictures from Google images)