I MISS my blog. So much. Got lots of stories to tell! Will get back to you as soon as I can. Busyness never ends -__-
OTHERS MIGHT say..
There is no such word as what you’ve used.
There is such word. There are such words. Words I’ve used exist.. in my own universe.
I NEEDED to talk to you. I felt so down. I was about to cry.
I want to open it up with someone. Then I think of you.
So I dialed your number.
But even before I tell you, you open up. You’re so happy.
You said it was your lucky day. I was happy for you.
And I didn’t want to flip your ‘lucky’ day. So I didn’t open up my problem.
Not today. Maybe some other day.
I didn’t have the guts to ruin my friend’s day.
So I just let you tell me everything that has happened to you.
Yet I was feeling down.
It didn’t change the fact that I still think of my problem.
It didn’t change the fact that I still feel so miserable.
You needed to hang up the phone coz you need to do something important.
So you said bye.
I put down the phone as I lay my back on the floor.
Its coldness made me shiver.
Its hardness made me tremble.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll let know everything.
The next day I was about to call you when the phone rang. It was you.
I’m glad it was you. Finally I’ll be able to tell you.
But I heard a familiar sound from you. You were crying.
For a moment I didn’t think of my problem because I think of you.
I didn’t tell you because I don’t want you to feel heavier.
Tomorrow, I’ll just tell you tomorrow.
I asked you; how are you? What happened?
So you open up to me your problem. You let it out.
You were crying and crying.
All I can do is be there for you and listen and comfort you.
Coz that’s what friends do.
So I listen and listen until I crack a joke and finally I heard you laughing.
You’re alright now. It’s gonna be okay.
So you said bye and hang up the phone.
I put down the phone as I stare at the nothingness.
I feel heavier hearing your whining.
My problems plus yours.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I just wanted to tell you that I needed your help
but I just can’t coz you’re needing my help.
The next day I called it was just an ordinary day for you.
And at that moment I decided to tell you.
But even before I do, you tell me what happened to you that day
even if it’s just a normal one.
I didn’t have the time to speak.
I didn’t know when to tell you.
And then you needed to hang up again so you said bye.
I put down the phone as I shut my eyes;
controlling my tears.
I tried to stop my heart beat but it wouldn’t.
I tried to shut down my brain but it wouldn’t.
I tried to think I’m dead thinking it will be true but I’m alive.
I tried to hold my breath thinking it would kill me but it just forced my tears to trickle.
The phone rang. It rang and rang and rang and rang…
until it became irritating to my ears,
until it became so deafening.
So I put my hands on my ears. But it didn’t change anything.
I can still hear the phone ringing.
I was shouting; stop! Stop! But it wouldn’t stop ringing.
I’m grinding my teeth, hardening my jaw.
I felt anger inside me. I felt the burning inside me.
I don’t want to answer it.
I don’t want to talk to you.
I am your friend.
But what did you do?
I am your friend.
But are you my friend?
The phone’s not ringing anymore, it’s like an hour before it finally stop..
I never ever remember you asking if I’m alright.
I never heard you say how are you?
I never heard you say how about you?
You never let me feel that you are my friend
when all I did is to make you feel alright.
You never call me just to ask what I’m feeling.
You never tell me it’s gonna be okay
but in the first place, you didn’t think what I’m feeling.
Because whenever I call, it was always about you.
Whenever you call, it was all about you.
Every time we talk, it was always about you!
You didn’t think of others.
All you think is just ‘yourself’, ‘your’ feelings.
I am your friend.
I’ve been your friend.
I was your friend.
But even for just a second, you’ve never been a friend to me.
It was always YOU!
It was always yourself only!
I’ve been a friend to you but for you I was just an acquaintance.
I gave importance to you.
I listened to you.
I comforted you.
I never let you down.
You never gave any importance to me.
You never listen to me.
You just talk and talk.
You never asked me my problems.
You didn’t bother asking about my feelings.
You never lift me up.
You never try to make me smile.
You just never know how much it had hurt me.
And it’s still hurting me…
FINEST MOMENT. Hearing those two words, there is this one moment that hits my mind..
It was in year 2009, 18th of December. Of course I won’t forgot the date. It was late in the afternoon. Vast of people coming in and out. Vast of people walking from different directions. There are lots of people waiting. There are lots of happenings. I am in the airport.
Standing there with my aunt, waiting, lots of things are invading my mind. Why now? I find myself asking my mind. Why not later? Or tomorrow or some other time? I just want to focus on waiting right now. But they wouldn’t leave me alone. They form questions. Questions I didn’t even know were formed right before it invaded my mind. Maybe it’s just because of nervousness. Time passes by and it seems like we’ve been waiting for almost an hour but he hasn’t arrive yet. Yes we were waiting for him. For my father.
What does he looks like? Can I recognize him once I see him? What will I tell him? How to greet him? Can he even recognize me too? What will he tell me? What will I do? How to act when with him? How to talk to him? What? Whaaaat?! For a moment, I’ve believed that my mind was going to explode. Questions came pouring like a rain which wouldn’t stop. Even the senseless questions were formed. One moment I felt excited. But the butterflies in my stomach have erased that excitement. And they didn’t even get satisfaction, they have replaced the excitement with fear.
What time is it? He’s not yet here. I keep on checking every man who walks towards our direction. Is it him already? I asked myself. What if it’s already him and I don’t even recognize him? I keep on talking to myself. I keep on questioning myself. But even I can’t answer too. I just can’t focus anymore like everything is a blur.
There’s a family beside us waiting too. A mother and two children; boy and a little girl. Then a man came and hug the mother. The mother told her son to hug him but the son wouldn’t move. Oh he was just shy, the mother said. Then I saw in the boy’s face the shock and the tears that were formed in his eyes. For a moment I thought I have read his mind. Maybe he didn’t saw his father that long too. I became aware of my surroundings. I became aware of the people who were waiting too. People came and there will be exchanges of greetings, there will be hugging one another and kissing, and then they’ll leave together as if they were together that long.
Veering my head from right to left, moving my eyes from time to time, searching; I catch a glimpse of a familiar man. I just recognized him? Yes it’s him. It’s really him. He approached us. Every step he took was like the years gone. It was so slow and sooo.. I was… speechless. I didn’t know what I feel. I became mute and deaf. I forgot how to speak. I even forgot how to breath for a moment. I was out of words. I am lost for words. He hugged me and say my daughter. I didn’t hug him back simply because I can’t manage my hands, my body, to move. I didn’t know what to do. So I just let it be. So be it! I felt warmth in my eyes but I manage to hold it back. I won’t let it escape. Not in front of him, not in front of many, not in a place where there’s a crowd of strangers.
I remember the boy earlier who wouldn’t hug the man who seems to be his father. He was silent too but in his eyes I saw the warning of tears. He didn’t move and didn’t speak but I saw it in his eyes. His eyes said it all. That’s why I thought that I have read his mind, because his eyes have talked to mine. Maybe that’s what I felt too. Maybe we felt the same way towards the man who seems to be our father.
After of almost twelve years, that was the first time I saw my father. Yes I saw him when we were chatting online. Yes I heard his voice when we were talking over the phone. But seeing him 3D, seeing him personally was far more different from seeing him in the desktop. Hearing his voice and talking to him personally was far more different from hearing it over the phone.
Happy Father’s Day to all fathers out there!
Happy Father’s Day Daddy! (:
SUMMER IS over,
But I still have hangover.
Classes are about to begin,
But too short summer had been.
Discussions and lessons..
Listening and talking..
Turns out to be;
Stories and jokes..
Doodling and talking..
Summer came and left
Left bringing with her the happenings
Happenings which once made us free
Free from anything which makes us feel something we don’t wanna feel
Anything which reminded us of things we don’t wanna know
Anything which forced us to listen to things we don’t wanna hear
Anything which tied us to the things we wanna leave
Anything which led us to the things that have hurt us
Just any feeling we don’t wanna dare to remember anymore!
But summer is over!
It’s a smile-eraser,
A happy life-killer,
Classes here they come
And I feel like.. damn!
All I wanna do is hum
Til I fall asleep as bum.
Hello school desk.
TWELFTH OF June, 1898
the Philippine Flag;
blue, red, three stars and a sun,
was first presented and waved
in front of the crowd, all singing the song;
the Philippine National Anthem,
–as a sign of independence! Independence!
Philippines finally got
the freedom it has been waiting for,
the freedom people has been longing for,
the freedom people has been fighting for.
Filipinos finally saw
the light that has been peeking then,
the light people has been needing then,
the light for all the Filipinos out there.
Twelfth of June, 2012
it’s been more than a century;
exactly hundred fourteen years
having the freedom Filipinos used to fight for,
having the freedom worth having for!
Twelfth of June, 2012
Philippines –still got the freedom
free from any hands out there.
Filipinos –still got the freedom
free from any collars out there.
Fellow Filipinos, Happy Independence Day Philippines! (:
I am proud to be a Filipino!
(picture from Google images)
I CAN hear it. But even before I ask my friends, it was gone. Then I heard it again. In a matter of milliseconds, it was gone again. Before long, there it is again. And it bothers me. So this time I asked my friends. But they said they don’t hear anything. I said nevermind. And it was gone. I waited and waited for another sound until I forgot about it totally. No sound anymore.
The next day, I was again with my friends. We’re eating and laughing. I was laughing so hard when I heard something. I suddenly stop. It sounds familiar. Then I remember what I heard yesterday. Yes! That’s it. I heard it again today. But why? We were on different place. I just thought that what I heard yesterday was coming from the place where we have stayed. But now here it is again. I asked my friends. They just answered the same; they didn’t hear anything. There it is again. And it really bothers me. I waited and waited for another sound until I forgot about it totally. No sound anymore.
That very day, I was walking with one of my close friend. I told her about it. But she said there’s nothing really. They haven’t heard anything at all while we were together. She said; don’t think about it anymore, there’s really nothing. So I tried to forget about it.
The next day I was walking to go home. I was walking alone. I heard it again. This time I recognized it. It was clear but not as clear to understand what it’s saying or what sound was that really. But it was like whispering. Whispering to whom, I didn’t know. The sound, I didn’t know if it sounded scary but it didn’t scared me at all. Even when I heard it the first time. It just bothers me but it didn’t scare me. I veered my head left and right. No one. I look ahead and look back. No one. As if on cue, I heard myself; what are you? what is it? Then I heard nothing. My friend called me on the phone that night. I set aside telling her what had happened. Besides I just heard it and when I talk, it was gone.
The next day I heard it again, then the following day until I get used to it. As if it is really a part of my day. Then just one day my friend approaches me and ask me about it. Are you still hearing it? I was shocked for I totally erased in my mind telling it to anyone. But I told her simply, yes. Then she admitted it. She heard it too the moment I asked them. And the night she called me, she called me to talk about it. She was expecting me to tell her that I heard it again but she thought that it stopped for I didn’t mention it so she didn’t mention about it too. The whisperers’ whispers are bothering. It’s been whispering everyday. It never got tired.
It’s about time to say this; focus.. It’s about time to ask you; can you hear it??
THE MOST painful thing is not the words thrown by people. It is not the things done by people. The most painful thing isn’t death. It isn’t people leaving. Because the most painful thing is; rejection.
Yes it’s rejection. The words that were thrown by people can be forgotten as well as the things they have done. Death is a constant thing. Because all of us will die eventually. Even if it takes time to move on from death of a certain people, we can still get over it. People leaving, it also takes time to say goodbye but as I say, we can still move on with our life. We can get over it and move forward.
But rejection? If we are already rejected, we can’t do anything at all. We can’t change the fact that we were rejected by someone. And even if we have moved on or gotten over from the feeling of being rejected, we can’t change things. We will just always be the rejected one of some. The feeling of being rejected? Woah! It
is –worst. Even if we didn’t think of it anymore, we can’t just change it. Even if we let things be, even if we forgot about it, we will always be the rejected one by some.
And what’s worse? –Rejected by someone we care about, rejected by someone who matters to us, rejected by someone we love.
We can’t just order others; hey! don’t reject me. We can’t just dictate others; hey! you can’t reject me. We can’t just beg; please don’t reject me. We can’t just change things; tomorrow when I wake up you won’t reject me anymore.
We can’t just demand for acceptance to someone who can never ever accept us. We can’t just kneel and cry and beg to someone who didn’t even care. We can’t just insist ourselves to people who didn’t even want us in their lives. We can’t just plead to people who didn’t even dare to listen to any words we say. We can’t just ask for things like; please tell me what to do just so you accept me.
And what’s worse than being rejected? Worse than worst? –There is no such solution to rejection that will not hurt you. Whatever we do, whatever we say, how much we try, how many times we beg, how many times we kneel, we will just be hurt as always.
I STARE at the blank paper
a pen in my hand
I started to write
then I realized
I have written your name
so I crumpled the paper.
I stare at the blank paper
the pen still in my hand
I started to think
then I realized
I’m thinking of you
so I crumpled the paper.
I stare at the blank paper
I moved the pen in my hand
I started to draw
then I realized
I’m oblivious to everything
I just draw and draw.
I stare at the paper
not blank anymore
I stare at my drawing
my hand has sketched
my mind has thought of
my heart has dreamed of.
I stare at the paper
the drawing in it
right before my eyes
little did I know
I was staring at you.