Becoming The Person I am Not

I’M IN two minds whether to accept the glass stretched in front of me.

After eyeing it for a moment or two, for the reason of curiosity.. I find my fingers, unaware, surrounding the glass.

And at that very moment..

I became the person I am not.

I drink.

I drink focusing on being drunk and not on the drink itself. I drink focusing to go to the latter world and not thinking about the aftermath. I drink thinking of leaving those problems of mine (totally impossible, we can’t leave our problems, we can just only not think about it for some time) and not thinking of the effect of the drinks on my body, on my system.

After filling some more alcohol, I am, finally.. in the dreamland where I desperately wanted to be.

Before long my body releases it. Peeing.. I pee. Then drink again. Pee some more. Drink some more. Pee. Drink. Pee. Drink. Just a series of those.

But even if body releases the unwanted guest which I undoubtingly welcome, I know inside me there are still more of them left. Even just a little, I can feel them. They are clinging to my blood trying to fit in. Just like other pathetic people.

But whatever they do, they will always be those who don’t belong there. Those who will never belong. They will always be those trying hard ones.

But still, they are determined not to give up, not to leave my system. Too determined that they managed to stay and hold on.

I feel my heart starting to race. Did the left ones really have a race inside me? A marathon? Even if I know it’s impossible, I thought, for once, that my heart will going to explode. Maybe because of the left ones. They made me felt that way.

They let me feel many things in many ways.

I became sensitive but in a way not caring at all. I became noisy but in a way just talking at all. I became frank but in a way just joking at all. I became serious but in a way just being myself. I became open but in a way not understanding at all. I became emotional but in a way just feeling nothing really at all.

They, the left ones, in a way made me feel this way. But I don’t care. I don’t care to me, to people, to my surroundings, to the world right before my eyes. I just don’t care whenever I am under them.

When I am sober, completely free of the alcohols I’ve taken and released, I realize something. I am, not totally free of those alcohols.

I realized the left ones are left no matter how much liters of water I’ve drank, how much urine I’ve pee.

After a month, I find myself longing to try it again; try killing my problems, filling my stomach with the unwanted guests, feeding my system with such.

And I did try it again and felt the same as the first time. It turns out to be my hobbies; the wanting, longing, and trying.

Wanting it again, longing for it, and trying it again. I find myself drinking every month until it became every week.

Blinded by my mindset about the latter world and the unique feeling, little did I know..

I am.. —a drinker!

Today after drinking again, I realized a new something.

Whenever I drink, a new set of left ones are left again joining the older sets of left ones, thus filling my system with such.

Long before I realize it, I am already filled with the left ones. What I’ve been releasing are the original ones. The left ones have conquered my body, my soul.

I am unaware that they built another form of, not human being but life, me. Yes. Another form of me. And it terrifies me. Because they governed me and they steal my life which was supposed to be live by I. Only I, without any left ones.

And I got angry with myself for letting the left ones built another me, for letting them stole my life, for letting them living my life, for letting them controlling me, for letting them multiplying, for letting them filling up my system. And for letting them exist in the first place!

Coz even if I’m sober, I’ve got difficulty of focusing on things. Sometimes I even forgot if I am just dreaming or if it’s really happening.

Yes I didn’t become the person I don’t want to be. But worse.. I became the person I am not. This is not me.

So I am daring myself.. that I will not drink anymore as how I’ve drunk before. That I will fix myself and kill those left ones. That even if they are determined to cling, I, too, am determined to release them, to destroy each and every one of them!

I want them out of me, out of my life.

At that very moment.. my own fingers accepting the glass of alcohol, I became the person I am not.

But at this very moment.. I’ve learned my lesson.

At this very moment.. I am the person I am. Not the person I used to be, not the person I wanted to be, not the person I’ve dreamed of.. but a better person.

At that very moment, I made a choice.

At this very moment, I’m making another choice.


A Heart To Be Hurt

MY LIFE was incomplete. It will never be complete. And you are to blame! Yes it’s you. Shit the things you have done. Shit the path you have chosen. Shit the choice you have made. Well let’s give thanks to those shits because without those I’ll never have the chance to write this shit full of shits.

I don’t know why I’m wasting my time writing this. Maybe just to let the shit out of me, maybe just to blame you, maybe just to ruin your life as what you did to mine, maybe just to hurt you as how you’ve hurt me. But I doubt it. You can’t feel. You have no conscience. You don’t even have a heart to be hurt at all. If you have a heart maybe it’s not beating, maybe it’s fake, maybe it’s different to the point no one, even scientific elucidation, can explain, maybe it’s not a heart at all. Because if you really have a heart, you will never do such things. You will never decide such decisions. You will never choose such option. You will never hurt such innocent.

But because you don’t have a real heart you do such things, things I will never even think of doing. I will never be like you. I have a heart, a heart you have stepped like what you have done to a bit of cigarette, a heart you have thrown like what you have done to a candy’s wrapper, a heart you have ruined even before it becomes intact. I was so vulnerable, so weak, so feeble, so frail, so helpless, so fragile, and so delicate, that just breathing seems to be the hardest thing to do.

You made me feel that way and I will never learn how to forget how you made me feel. Yet you’re still not contented. You wanted to be remembered. So in my heart you carved. And you did what you want; your signature in my heart will always be here. No matter how hard I try to remove it, to scratch it, there’s nothing I can do.

You just won. For you, winning is hurting and letting others down. I didn’t know what you are, I didn’t know what to call you. You’re just an existing creature nothing more. After all these years, I still cannot forget the pain. It’s still affecting me. It’s still ruining me. It’s still sipping my soul out. It’s still emptying me. And I think, as long as I live so will the agony.

Are you happy? Are you at ease? Are you satisfied to what you have done? Or are you still not contented? Are you pleased that you have hurt me? Or you still wanted to hurt me? Are you thrilled that you’re still affecting my life? Or you wanted more? Are you delighted to see me shedding tears? Or do you want me to shed blood? Are you fulfilled to see me living with misery? Or you wanted me to see not breathing at all? You have ruined my life and still you’re longing to steal it?

Why I even ask, eh you don’t have a heart to feel! I feel sorry for you. There’s one thing in this world that you can’t feel. And never will you experience it. One thing that’s very special, very extraordinary, and very real. It’s love! You’re out of love. Love for you is just a word. But there’s more to love. It isn’t just a word you can spell. It isn’t just a word you can read. It isn’t just a word and you will never know what it is. You will never understand. You will never feel how to love and to be loved. Pity! I am done here. Even if this shit is full of shits, it’s for you! Thanks to your shits. My last words for you; I shittingly shitting you. Sorry there seems to be no words existing that I can express what I’m feeling for you.

(Sorry for some harsh words I’ve used.)