The Call

I HEARD my phone ringing. It was at the side of my laptop. I veered my head. I was about to answer it. Unknown caller.. But upon seeing the number… I knew. I knew it was him. I don’t know his number but seeing the first 2 digits lets me know that it was him.

I let it ring. Twice. Thrice. Four times. Five times before answering it. It will be rude of me if I didn’t answer. It would make me bad if I will not answer it.

So I answer it.

Am I that bad if I don’t feel like talking to him?
Am I that bad if I won’t open up to him?
Am I that bad if I won’t tell stories to him?
Am I that bad if I am not that comfortable talking to him?
Am I that bad if I’m a bit irritated?
Am I that bad?

I feel neither hate nor anger. But I feel something bad.. I don’t know what it is. But is it even my fault?

^~~~^

I Thought We’re Friends?

I NEEDED to talk to you. I felt so down. I was about to cry.
I want to open it up with someone. Then I think of you.
So I dialed your number.

But even before I tell you, you open up. You’re so happy.
You said it was your lucky day. I was happy for you.
And I didn’t want to flip your ‘lucky’ day. So I didn’t open up my problem.
Not today. Maybe some other day.
I didn’t have the guts to ruin my friend’s day.
So I just let you tell me everything that has happened to you.

Yet I was feeling down.
It didn’t change the fact that I still think of my problem.
It didn’t change the fact that I still feel so miserable.
You needed to hang up the phone coz you need to do something important.
So you said bye.

I put down the phone as I lay my back on the floor.
Its coldness made me shiver.
Its hardness made me tremble.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll let know everything.

The next day I was about to call you when the phone rang. It was you.
I’m glad it was you. Finally I’ll be able to tell you.
But I heard a familiar sound from you. You were crying.
For a moment I didn’t think of my problem because I think of you.
I didn’t tell you because I don’t want you to feel heavier.
Tomorrow, I’ll just tell you tomorrow.

I asked you; how are you? What happened?
So you open up to me your problem. You let it out.
You were crying and crying.
All I can do is be there for you and listen and comfort you.
Coz that’s what friends do.
So I listen and listen until I crack a joke and finally I heard you laughing.

You’re alright now. It’s gonna be okay.
So you said bye and hang up the phone.

I put down the phone as I stare at the nothingness.
I feel heavier hearing your whining.
My problems plus yours.

I don’t know what to do anymore.
I just wanted to tell you that I needed your help
but I just can’t coz you’re needing my help.

The next day I called it was just an ordinary day for you.
And at that moment I decided to tell you.
But even before I do, you tell me what happened to you that day
even if it’s just a normal one.

I didn’t have the time to speak.
I didn’t know when to tell you.
And then you needed to hang up again so you said bye.

I put down the phone as I shut my eyes;
breathing deep,
controlling my tears.

I tried to stop my heart beat but it wouldn’t.
I tried to shut down my brain but it wouldn’t.
I tried to think I’m dead thinking it will be true but I’m alive.
I tried to hold my breath thinking it would kill me but it just forced my tears to trickle.

The phone rang. It rang and rang and rang and rang…
until it became irritating to my ears,
until it became so deafening.
So I put my hands on my ears. But it didn’t change anything.
I can still hear the phone ringing.

I was shouting; stop! Stop! But it wouldn’t stop ringing.
I’m grinding my teeth, hardening my jaw.
I felt anger inside me. I felt the burning inside me.
I don’t want to answer it.
I don’t want to talk to you.

I am your friend.
But what did you do?
I am your friend.
But are you my friend?

The phone’s not ringing anymore, it’s like an hour before it finally stop..

I never ever remember you asking if I’m alright.
I never heard you say how are you?
I never heard you say how about you?

You never let me feel that you are my friend
when all I did is to make you feel alright.
You never call me just to ask what I’m feeling.
You never tell me it’s gonna be okay
but in the first place, you didn’t think what I’m feeling.
Why???
Because whenever I call, it was always about you.
Whenever you call, it was all about you.
Every time we talk, it was always about you!

You didn’t think of others.
All you think is just ‘yourself’, ‘your’ feelings.

I am your friend.
I’ve been your friend.
I was your friend.

But even for just a second, you’ve never been a friend to me.
It was always YOU!
It was always yourself only!
I’ve been a friend to you but for you I was just an acquaintance.
Nothing more.

I gave importance to you.
I listened to you.
I comforted you.
I never let you down.

You never gave any importance to me.
You never listen to me.
You just talk and talk.
You never asked me my problems.
You didn’t bother asking about my feelings.
You never lift me up.
You never try to make me smile.

You just never know how much it had hurt me.
And it’s still hurting me…

^~~~^

We Have What We Needed

WHY DO we eat and need to drink?
Why do we write and need to move the pen?
Why do we walk and need to use our feet?
Why do we feel and need to care?
Why do we stare and need to blink?
Why do we read and need to turn the pages?
Why do we speak and need to be heard?
Why do we live and need to breath?
Why do we love and need to be loved?
Why do we ask and need to be answered?

Too many questions. Too many why’s. Some can even be answered by toddlers. Eat and drink? To digest our food. Write and move the pen? You can’t write even a single letter if you won’t move it. Walk and use our feet? You can’t walk if you won’t use it. Feel and care? You don’t care only if you don’t feel anything. Stare and blink? Try not to blink, nobody can’t stand it. To avoid the eyes from drying. Read and turn the pages? You can’t finish what you’re reading if you don’t turn the pages. Speak and be heard? Nobody wanted to be ignored. We want communication and communication isn’t just talking and talking. Live and breath? To experience life. Love and to be loved? It’s innate in human. Love is innate. Ask and be answered? We wanted to know everything.

But why do things and need things? Why do things and need people?

Because there are things we do that can’t do it on our own. There are things we do and we need others in order us to fulfill it. Yes, we need others.

We need someone who will firmly hold our hand. We need someone who will stay by our side. We need someone’s shoulder to lean on. We need someone to share our happiness with. We need someone to help us carry the sadness. We need someone who understand us. We need someone who will love us unconditionally. We need someone who will let us feel accepted and appreciated. We need someone to make us stronger. Let’s just admit it; we needed someone.

And God gave us what we needed. He had given it even before we needed it. He knows what we’ll need to live here in earth so he gave us them; parents, friends, siblings, relatives, lovers, animals, nature, water, wind, and more. He gave us all kind of people and all kind of things we needed. He gave us different people and things; each we can give different kind of love.

^~~~^

Too Weak To Smile

SHE JUST wanted to lay down.

She’s too tired
to argue with herself,
too tired
to do anything.

She’s too occupied
to think of any other thing.

She’s too empty
to feel anything.

She’s just tired.
Tired.

She wanted to talk to someone.
But there’s no one wanted to.

She wanted to be happy
but she just can’t
because she’s too weak.
Too weak even just to smile.

^~~~^