Close To Giving Up

WHY DOES IT HAS TO BE LIKE THIS??

I DON’T know. I know I’ve been hanging for so long. But why all of a sudden, I lose it.

Yes I’ve been hanging for so long. Maybe it was too long, it’s more than enough. And crying is my last resort. I want to punch the wall. I want to let it out. But I don’t want to be so violent in front of others who seem to care. I don’t want them to see my violent side. But I can’t hold it any longer. So I lose it all. I cried. I cried because it was my last resort. I chose to be the stilly-me which forced me to cry than the violent-me.

I cried because.. it’s that complicated. I cried because I am close to giving up. Everyday I woke up just to think of those problems. Every night when I go to bed, all I think is just them(problems) again. Even when I’m supposed to be doing something important, I end up thinking of them again. And thinking of them every now and then makes me want to sleep.

Just sleep and leave them alone. Just sleep and not think of them. Just sleep and relax. But I was wrong. Because even in my sleep, they were there, invading my dreamland. Even in my sleep they won’t let me go. Even in my sleep they want to be with me.

I just want to walk away. I just want to leave them as they were. I just want to give up. I just want to sleep. I just want to punch it out. I just want to cry it out. I just want to let it out. And right now I’m letting it out..

I cried not because I am weak. I cried because I just can’t take it any longer. I cried because I can’t hold it inside yet I am trying to hide it. I cried because I am trying to delete violence in my vocabulary.

^~~~^

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I Need a Pause.

BUT NOT here.

not now.

not in front of them.

let not trickle.

for just a moment.

let not burst.

for just a moment.

can still control them.

can still make them stay.

for a while.

not here.

not now.

not in front of them.

it hurts.

warmth in my eyes.

but please.

not in front of them.

^~~~^

WHY-ing

WHY DO keep on believing when nobody knows what’s true?
Why do keep on loving when everybody got hurt?
Why do keep on talking when nobody’s listening?
Why do keep on listening when our own ears got tired?
Why do keep on trying when everybody gave up?
Why do keep on lying when the truth always reveals itself?
Why do keep on crying when we can no longer shed tears?
Why do keep on hurting ourselves when we are already hurt?
Why do keep on waiting when everybody doesn’t care anymore?
Why do keep on doing things when everybody thought it’s wrong?
Why do keep on smiling when everybody knows it’s fake?
Why do keep on living when everybody will eventually dies?
Why? And why do keep on questioning things that can never be answer?
Why do even keep on searching for answers?
Why do we want to know everything? Why?
^~~~^

A Man Who Shed Tears

FOR A long time, he felt this way again. But he knows this time it’s different. Totally different. Before, those days were just days when he was tired and just doing things like drawing, listening to music, or sleeping will comfort him, will help him a little to forget things which made him feel heavy. But at this very moment, he doesn’t know, doesn’t understand even what he’s feeling.

He tried to draw but he can’t even manage his hand to move. He tried to listen to music but the song, its melody irritates his ears, its sounds turn out to be deafening. He tried to close his eyes, to sleep, but that feelings just got stronger, worse..

Why does he need to carry it alone? He found himself wanting to give up, wanting to quit. But he is a man. And men are strong. Yet not always. Men have their weaknesses. Men have their soft side which they prefer to be hidden. But this time, he can’t hide it. He can’t even manage to carry on. He just wanted the pain to stop, the pain which swallowed him and he allowed that such thing to happen.

He got a lot of things to be done but the only thing he wanted to do is cry. Cry –which others see as a verboten for men. As if seeing a man cries means he is not a man anymore, as if being a man means being a robot, as if being a man means having a heart of stone.

But he doesn’t care anymore, he doesn’t care to anything. Beside, he’s too tired and feeling too empty to care what others thought of.

He wanted to cry maybe because when he does, it will ease the pain. Somehow. He just wanted the pain out of him, out of his system.

^~~~^