I Wanted To Write “How My Summer Has Been”

BUT IF I’ll write about how it has been, there’s gotta be lots of writings and I’m gonna need some time to write those happenings coz there are lots and lots and lots.

So I decided.. I won’t tell you how it was.
Yet I really wanted to. So…. Here!
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As Soon As

I MISS my blog. So much. Got lots of stories to tell! Will get back to you as soon as I can. Busyness never ends -__-

The Dream I Used To Dream

WHEN I was younger and knew nothing about such.. I used to dream. We all dream, dream, and dream. Dreams which made us happy. Dreams which pump us with so much gasoline. Dreams which never run out of energy. Unlimited dreams.

And there are nights when I used to think what I dreamed when I was younger and still oblivious to the meaning of the word.. Dream.

Yes. When I was younger I thought dreams are true. I mean.. dreams will happen eventually. I thought that when I dream, it would really happen. That when I dream, it”ll be what I’ll face. But reality proves me wrong. I am wrong.

Time and such add up. I am terribly wrong. I wanted to cry but I’m not a child anymore. Besides, what will you think? That I cried because I didn’t understand the word dream? That I cried because I was wrong? If I’m still a toddler maybe I’ll cry but now I’m being mature.. I’m acting as what people in my age do.

The nights when I thought of my dreams.. this is one of those nights. As a child, of course I dream of a lot of things.

I can still remember when someone asks what I wanted to be, I’ll say I wanted to be an astronaut. I love the night sky. I love to look at the moon. I wanted to wear what they wear; those bulky clothes and I really love that uhm helmet, the glass on their faces. I wanted to fly and wonder how they did it. Then I’ll ask, “Are there astronauts in the Philippines?”

I heard a lot of kids wanted to be a teacher because they want to teach children, too. A lot of kids wanted to be a doctor because they want to help others. A lot of kids wanted to be a police because they wanted to caught the bad people. Those professions never crossed my mind.

When I reached middle school.. I dreamed of being a doctor, for once it finally crossed my mind. But I hated Science and such. I’m afraid to blood and stuff. I just wanted that thing hanging in their neck that when you put in your ears, you’ll hear funny sounds which will made you giggle.

When I reached high school.. I dreamed of being an accountant. But it was just for a moment. It never crossed my mind again. Then I dreamed of being an engineer. I wanted to hear people calling me engineer plus my name or surname. Being an engineer is what really I wanted.. but I didn’t pass; Geodetic engineering it was.

Reading a lot of novels about secret agent, CIA, FBI, spy, and watching movies about detective, crime and investigation, and such pushed me to dream of being a secret agent. I wanted to take up Criminology and then when I graduate, I’ll become one of those people who carry guns and wave their badges and solve crimes. Oh! how I really wanted to be one of them!

For a while, I also dream of being a lawyer. I wanted to be that person who’ll ask and ask and interrogate people sitting in the hot seat. Then I’ll won eventually because I am a goddamn smart lawyer.

I’ve dreamed a lot of things. Dream. Dream. Dream. And none of it really happens.

I’ve dreamed a lot of things. Complicated. Then I realized deep inside me, I have this dream. I long for this dream. But I knew it’ll just be a dream and nothing more. Forever a dream: having a parents.

Dreams thought me the word impossible. It’s funny how words taught me some more words.

^~~~^

Someone’s Life On Mine

THESE ARE the times when I don’t wanna think of things. I’ll busied myself with other stuff. Stuff which has nothing to do with acads. Yes.. I don’t wanna think of acads. So it’s been my hobby to procrastinate. I know procrastinating is no good.. but so does acads. I don’t like what I’m doing, I don’t want what I’m doing.

Maybe you can’t understand me. Maybe nobody does.. It’s just that… studying is out of my vocabulary. Studying is good. But it’s not when I don’t like what I’m studying. Okay, it all comes down to this: I don’t want my course, my degree.

Maybe it’s too late. Really late. But even from the start, I never like my course. I accepted the fact that I’m taking this course. And I’ve been taking this for almost three years. I’m close to finishing this degree. But whenever I think of it, whenever I study.. I always find myself shaking my head. This is not what I want. This is just a waste of my time. So I never excel in any of my subject. For three years I am trying to survive.. as well as now.

My goal should be: the highest, the best. But my real goal: passing, satisfactory. I don’t care if I didn’t get the highest grade, my only goal is to pass all of my subjects and graduate on time. “Graduate on time” will be my gift to myself. I mean, it’ll be the greatest gift because it’ll mark as the end of my burden. It’ll mark as the end of my wasted time. It’ll be the mark as the end of someone’s life on my life. It’ll be the beginning of me! It’ll be the start of my own life. It’ll be the very start.. to live my own life.. to do what I wanted to do long ago.. to be free and live as the person I should’ve had.

Today.. I am living their life. I am living what they wanted. But one day. One day I’ll be me. One day I’ll live my life. One day it’ll be what I wanted, not what I’m forced to wanted.

I’m looking forward to that day.. I’ll be waiting for that day!

^~~~^

 

Unclothing The Unconcious Self

WHAT IS mandala? That was my question, too, upon hearing it. Yes it is a requirement to us to make one. But even if it is a must-do, our prof told us to take it seriously and do it with a peace of mind. It is sacred, she said.

I search for it in the internet to understand more about mandala. Mandala means circle. It is “a representation of the unconscious self”. So I really need to take it seriously. Our prof said it will tell a lot about ourselves through that mandala. We can use whatever we wan, we can draw whatever we want. But the circle is a requirement. Also, we should be drawing in a place where we feel comfortable, in a quiet place, in a place where we are relaxed..

Yes I don’t have any problem on drawing because it’s my passion. I draw. I want to draw. Drawing has been ‘in’ me. The only problem that I knew I will encounter is how to start and how to finish it.

To be honest, I find it hard to make a mandala. I find myself stuck, with nothing to think and nothing to draw. I’ve managed to finish my mandala (almost) within a day. I started to draw then I’ll stop and think. Hmm.. not just think, more on.. reflect on myself, about myself. Then draw again. Reflect. Draw. Until I’m satisfied with it.

Background story: I don’t have a favorite color. And I stopped using color or oil pastel in drawing. I just use a pencil. But where I’m really comfortable is in using pen (ballpen). Yes, pen. It’s alright with me if I’ll have a mistake. What is in my mind is that, if i did something wrong, I’ll do anything and everything to make it as perfect as possible. I know I can’t make it right anymore but it doesn’t mean that it will not be perfect.

Being good is not a compilation of right, but a compilation of wrongs with the right things to do to make everything fall into place.

So here’s my mandala in the making using pen:

my all-set mandala

I want to elaborate what every symbol, drawing, or image drawn in my mandala but it will take too much time and too much words. So I just want you to understand it for yourself. But feel free to ask me anytime, I am more than willing to answer it (:

By the way, I named my mandala; Naked Colors. And I’ve got a number of reasons why.. But I’ll let you handle the realization of why such (;

^~~~^

“I’ll Be The Greatest Fan Of Your Life”

YOU TRIED to read what’s written in my paper
I was shy so I tried to cover it with my hand
But I heard you read the words silently
So I was unsuccessful in covering it
Then I look at you and saw the smile on your face
Then I look into your eyes and saw the sparkling of it.

I didn’t search for you in our class
But I notice I haven’t seen you
So upon realizing, it made me frown
How did I notice without searching for you
So I’m oblivious to the fact that I searched for you?
So I’m oblivious to the fact that I wanted to see you?

The next day, our paths crossed
As I walk and saw you zooming in, I didn’t know what to do
I didn’t smile to you simply because I was shy
But I wanted to smile and say “hello”
I didn’t look at you simply because I was shy
But I wanted to look and hear you say “hi”.

I heard you talk but not sing
And they said you’re a singer
As I wait for you to sing
I notice everything you do
How you smile, how you veer your head
How you stand, how you hold the mic.

The moment you sing
The moment I heard your voice
Is the moment I felt something
It’s the moment I was speechless
I find myself watching at how your lips move
I find myself listening to every word you sing.

As you were singing
I remember how you smiled at me
I remember how you read my paper
As you were singing
I remember when you talked to me
I remember when our paths crossed.

As you were singing
I became oblivious that I was in a class
I became oblivious to the others
It was just you singing and me listening
I was thrown by your voice
I find myself smiling, hands in my chin.

It was your voice
Soothing for my ears, relaxing for my body
Calming for my mind, aiming for my heart
It was, I’ll admit it, indeed successful
It was because of your voice, I’m hooked
Your song keeps playing again and again.
 

I’ll be your crying shoulder,
I’ll be love’s suicide
I’ll be better when I’m older,
I’ll be the greatest fan of your life.

–(I’ll Be, Edwin Mccain)

^~~~^

Just An Ordinary Day With a Little EXTRA!

TODAY: TWO exams and report/presentation -.- It’s a hell day for me!

So I promise myself that after those acads, I’m gonna treat myself! That after those, I’m gonna enjoy the rest of the day! So I did. And what’s better? I’ve enjoyed the rest of my day with my friends! (:

Moonleaf’s Milk Teas

Wintermelon milk tea for me with pudding as an add-on (:

While hanging in there…

Yes, It’s Us! (:

(T)hank (G)od it’s (R)eally (A)wesome!

My hell day’s over. Well I so love this day! (:

Just another day
with classes to attend..

Just another day
with exams to take..

Just another day
with requirements to pass..

Just another day
with friends to laugh..

Just another day
with milk teas to drink..

Just an ordinary day
with a little EXTRA!

^~~~^