I MISS my blog. So much. Got lots of stories to tell! Will get back to you as soon as I can. Busyness never ends -__-
WHEN I was younger and knew nothing about such.. I used to dream. We all dream, dream, and dream. Dreams which made us happy. Dreams which pump us with so much gasoline. Dreams which never run out of energy. Unlimited dreams.
And there are nights when I used to think what I dreamed when I was younger and still oblivious to the meaning of the word.. Dream.
Yes. When I was younger I thought dreams are true. I mean.. dreams will happen eventually. I thought that when I dream, it would really happen. That when I dream, it”ll be what I’ll face. But reality proves me wrong. I am wrong.
Time and such add up. I am terribly wrong. I wanted to cry but I’m not a child anymore. Besides, what will you think? That I cried because I didn’t understand the word dream? That I cried because I was wrong? If I’m still a toddler maybe I’ll cry but now I’m being mature.. I’m acting as what people in my age do.
The nights when I thought of my dreams.. this is one of those nights. As a child, of course I dream of a lot of things.
I can still remember when someone asks what I wanted to be, I’ll say I wanted to be an astronaut. I love the night sky. I love to look at the moon. I wanted to wear what they wear; those bulky clothes and I really love that uhm helmet, the glass on their faces. I wanted to fly and wonder how they did it. Then I’ll ask, “Are there astronauts in the Philippines?”
I heard a lot of kids wanted to be a teacher because they want to teach children, too. A lot of kids wanted to be a doctor because they want to help others. A lot of kids wanted to be a police because they wanted to caught the bad people. Those professions never crossed my mind.
When I reached middle school.. I dreamed of being a doctor, for once it finally crossed my mind. But I hated Science and such. I’m afraid to blood and stuff. I just wanted that thing hanging in their neck that when you put in your ears, you’ll hear funny sounds which will made you giggle.
When I reached high school.. I dreamed of being an accountant. But it was just for a moment. It never crossed my mind again. Then I dreamed of being an engineer. I wanted to hear people calling me engineer plus my name or surname. Being an engineer is what really I wanted.. but I didn’t pass; Geodetic engineering it was.
Reading a lot of novels about secret agent, CIA, FBI, spy, and watching movies about detective, crime and investigation, and such pushed me to dream of being a secret agent. I wanted to take up Criminology and then when I graduate, I’ll become one of those people who carry guns and wave their badges and solve crimes. Oh! how I really wanted to be one of them!
For a while, I also dream of being a lawyer. I wanted to be that person who’ll ask and ask and interrogate people sitting in the hot seat. Then I’ll won eventually because I am a goddamn smart lawyer.
I’ve dreamed a lot of things. Dream. Dream. Dream. And none of it really happens.
I’ve dreamed a lot of things. Complicated. Then I realized deep inside me, I have this dream. I long for this dream. But I knew it’ll just be a dream and nothing more. Forever a dream: having a parents.
Dreams thought me the word impossible. It’s funny how words taught me some more words.
THESE ARE the times when I don’t wanna think of things. I’ll busied myself with other stuff. Stuff which has nothing to do with acads. Yes.. I don’t wanna think of acads. So it’s been my hobby to procrastinate. I know procrastinating is no good.. but so does acads. I don’t like what I’m doing, I don’t want what I’m doing.
Maybe you can’t understand me. Maybe nobody does.. It’s just that… studying is out of my vocabulary. Studying is good. But it’s not when I don’t like what I’m studying. Okay, it all comes down to this: I don’t want my course, my degree.
Maybe it’s too late. Really late. But even from the start, I never like my course. I accepted the fact that I’m taking this course. And I’ve been taking this for almost three years. I’m close to finishing this degree. But whenever I think of it, whenever I study.. I always find myself shaking my head. This is not what I want. This is just a waste of my time. So I never excel in any of my subject. For three years I am trying to survive.. as well as now.
My goal should be: the highest, the best. But my real goal: passing, satisfactory. I don’t care if I didn’t get the highest grade, my only goal is to pass all of my subjects and graduate on time. “Graduate on time” will be my gift to myself. I mean, it’ll be the greatest gift because it’ll mark as the end of my burden. It’ll mark as the end of my wasted time. It’ll be the mark as the end of someone’s life on my life. It’ll be the beginning of me! It’ll be the start of my own life. It’ll be the very start.. to live my own life.. to do what I wanted to do long ago.. to be free and live as the person I should’ve had.
Today.. I am living their life. I am living what they wanted. But one day. One day I’ll be me. One day I’ll live my life. One day it’ll be what I wanted, not what I’m forced to wanted.
I’m looking forward to that day.. I’ll be waiting for that day!
WHAT IS mandala? That was my question, too, upon hearing it. Yes it is a requirement to us to make one. But even if it is a must-do, our prof told us to take it seriously and do it with a peace of mind. It is sacred, she said.
I search for it in the internet to understand more about mandala. Mandala means circle. It is “a representation of the unconscious self”. So I really need to take it seriously. Our prof said it will tell a lot about ourselves through that mandala. We can use whatever we wan, we can draw whatever we want. But the circle is a requirement. Also, we should be drawing in a place where we feel comfortable, in a quiet place, in a place where we are relaxed..
Yes I don’t have any problem on drawing because it’s my passion. I draw. I want to draw. Drawing has been ‘in’ me. The only problem that I knew I will encounter is how to start and how to finish it.
To be honest, I find it hard to make a mandala. I find myself stuck, with nothing to think and nothing to draw. I’ve managed to finish my mandala (almost) within a day. I started to draw then I’ll stop and think. Hmm.. not just think, more on.. reflect on myself, about myself. Then draw again. Reflect. Draw. Until I’m satisfied with it.
Background story: I don’t have a favorite color. And I stopped using color or oil pastel in drawing. I just use a pencil. But where I’m really comfortable is in using pen (ballpen). Yes, pen. It’s alright with me if I’ll have a mistake. What is in my mind is that, if i did something wrong, I’ll do anything and everything to make it as perfect as possible. I know I can’t make it right anymore but it doesn’t mean that it will not be perfect.
Being good is not a compilation of right, but a compilation of wrongs with the right things to do to make everything fall into place.
So here’s my mandala in the making using pen:
I want to elaborate what every symbol, drawing, or image drawn in my mandala but it will take too much time and too much words. So I just want you to understand it for yourself. But feel free to ask me anytime, I am more than willing to answer it (:
By the way, I named my mandala; Naked Colors. And I’ve got a number of reasons why.. But I’ll let you handle the realization of why such (;
YOU TRIED to read what’s written in my paper
I was shy so I tried to cover it with my hand
But I heard you read the words silently
So I was unsuccessful in covering it
Then I look at you and saw the smile on your face
Then I look into your eyes and saw the sparkling of it.
I didn’t search for you in our class
But I notice I haven’t seen you
So upon realizing, it made me frown
How did I notice without searching for you
So I’m oblivious to the fact that I searched for you?
So I’m oblivious to the fact that I wanted to see you?
The next day, our paths crossed
As I walk and saw you zooming in, I didn’t know what to do
I didn’t smile to you simply because I was shy
But I wanted to smile and say “hello”
I didn’t look at you simply because I was shy
But I wanted to look and hear you say “hi”.
I heard you talk but not sing
And they said you’re a singer
As I wait for you to sing
I notice everything you do
How you smile, how you veer your head
How you stand, how you hold the mic.
The moment you sing
The moment I heard your voice
Is the moment I felt something
It’s the moment I was speechless
I find myself watching at how your lips move
I find myself listening to every word you sing.
As you were singing
I remember how you smiled at me
I remember how you read my paper
As you were singing
I remember when you talked to me
I remember when our paths crossed.
As you were singing
I became oblivious that I was in a class
I became oblivious to the others
It was just you singing and me listening
I was thrown by your voice
I find myself smiling, hands in my chin.
It was your voice
Soothing for my ears, relaxing for my body
Calming for my mind, aiming for my heart
It was, I’ll admit it, indeed successful
It was because of your voice, I’m hooked
Your song keeps playing again and again.
I’ll be your crying shoulder,
I’ll be love’s suicide
I’ll be better when I’m older,
I’ll be the greatest fan of your life.
–(I’ll Be, Edwin Mccain)
TODAY: TWO exams and report/presentation -.- It’s a hell day for me!
So I promise myself that after those acads, I’m gonna treat myself! That after those, I’m gonna enjoy the rest of the day! So I did. And what’s better? I’ve enjoyed the rest of my day with my friends! (:
Wintermelon milk tea for me with pudding as an add-on (:
While hanging in there…
My hell day’s over. Well I so love this day! (:
Just another day
with classes to attend..
Just another day
with exams to take..
Just another day
with requirements to pass..
Just another day
with friends to laugh..
Just another day
with milk teas to drink..
Just an ordinary day
with a little EXTRA!
I HATE this day. Really. I didn’t have a good sleep. Last night I stayed up late (I always stayed up late but it’s just a big deal coz it’s about acads) coz I finished my report and my presentation in one of my subjects. When I woke up, I’m not in a good mood. I didn’t even want to go to my class. But since I’m a student and going to classes seems like a must, I did go, forced to face the day with a crown of frown.
I physically went to my classes but then I was mentally absent. I take down notes but didn’t absorb it. I just took down notes for the sake of copying. And when I don’t feel like copying, I’ll just tire myself; drawing. I’ll just draw and draw and draw anything I want.
Then the TIME finally arrives.. The TIME I just wanted to fast forward if possible. The TIME I just didn’t want to come in the first place. And shit! I didn’t want to recall what happened. I didn’t want to give any details of it also. The time will come when I’ll be reading this and if I gave any details; those happenings will just came pouring in as well as the feeling of being down. I just wanted to forget it.
I’m just writing this because this is my way of letting it out aside from punching walls. And I’ll say, it’s really better this way than the latter way.
P.S. It’s the 7th death anniversary of my grandmother (Inay). I can’t believe it’s been seven years… Missing her -.-
OKAY. SO in our OR (Outdoor Recreation) we played Ultimate! Okay I’ll admit it. At first I called it Frisbee. Well I know nothing about it. I didn’t even know how to play it. We were taught how to play. And yes, they corrected us. The game is not Frisbee. It’s Ultimate! Frisbee is a brand.
I was excited. Why? I’ve never played Ultimate before. I’ve never even touch any disc before. Haha! Watching others playing it looks like fun so I really wanted to try it. While they were discussing some things we need to know about Ultimate, I was somewhat bored because what I really wanted to do is play! But then they were right. We were just beginners and we needed those information in order for us to understand the game.
We were taught about the disc and the parts of it, back hand, fore hand, pancake, flicking of the wrist, moving of the leg, catching of the disk, holding of the disc, and throwing. The moment they said that we’ll gonna try it, I stood up ready to play.
We formed a small circle and throw the disk to one another. Don’t continue reading if you don’t want a boastful person because I’m gonna praise myself. Hahaha! From our instructor, I heard his; nice throw! good throw! Well he was saying it to me. I didn’t know I can play Ultimate! I really enjoyed it. Then when the other instructor approached us, he watches and teaches us one by one. One of my teammates told him that I was good and that I wanted to be in the varsity which is just based from her. He ask me, have you played Ultimate? Laughingly I answered, no, it was my first time really! HAHA. When he was at my side he quietly say, you wanted to join the varsity? you can. Well so much for the vaunt of myself. But it really made me feel great. I never knew I can really play.
But wait! It’s not yet the game. The game will just begin. Black (my team) versus Grey this time. I didn’t know the mechanics of the game but while playing, I managed to understand. I was made captain by my teammates. So yes, I was the captain of the black team! Hahaha. But then we were just beginners and playing Ultimate seems like a tiring game.
Black versus Grey was a tight game. The game ended with 1-1. Next week we’ll be playing again the same game. So I was really looking forward next week for the next game. I had so much fun.
TODAY WAS a very tiring day. VERY. It was the very first game for our physical education 2 which is Outdoor Recreation. The only thing our prof told us was to wear sports attire. So we did. She didn’t tell us what our game will be.
When our prof finally explains what the game will be, almost all of us didn’t know it. KICKBALL. Yes it’s the game. If you didn’t know what it is, so am I. Haha. Just kidding. I was mixed up when our prof explained it. But then it’s not that hard to understand. I know you know what baseball and football are. Kickball is just like the combination of those; there are four bases, soccerball, no bat and no baseball. Just try to imagine it. By the way, the name of our group is Black Cat! (:
Side story: Black Cat. Here’s the origin of our group name. Our group were formed via the animal sounds. Each one of us has drawn a piece of paper with the corresponding animal labels each. Then we were scattered on the field and we were even blindfolded (I just closed my eyes haha). We’ll look for our groupmates by the sound of the animal that was written on the piece of paper. Mine was cat, so I’ve made the sound of; meow. I was meowing and meowing until we were two. Still meowing and hearing another person meowing, our meowing got louder until we were three, then four, then five. Until we were complete. Then we needed to decide what the color of our group will wear every meeting. We decided to choose white. But then the color white was forfeited coz other groups wanted that color too. Then we came up with the color black. We needed a team name and being so lazy to think I said; Black Cat! So the Black Cat was born.
“sa cat kami nabuo, sa black kami nagkasundo” –one of my friend, Berns, has written this coz we needed to explain why such is our chosen group name. Simple but meaningful.
Back to the game; kickball. The first round was the pink team versus the gray team. Second round was the blue team (where one of my close friends was) and the black team (where I belong). Then so on and on and on. Kick! Run! Run! Kick! Run! Out! Strike! Kick! Kick as if we were kicking out our feelings. Run! Run as if we were running for our life. I was afraid at first. Afraid I might not kick the ball as hard as possible. Afraid I might miss the ball. Afraid I might embarrass myself. But then, the moment I kicked the ball; wow! I really felt the freedom as how hard I’ll kick the ball. So I wouldn’t let that chance get away and I kicked it as hard as I can. I heard our prof praised me or praised the ball (I can’t remember her exact words but then it was a praise. Sorry for me being boastful haha)
Well I think the winner of this game was the BLUE TEAM. She’ll kill me if I didn’t mention it here, so here. Trisha, one of my friends, was the ‘best’ in their team, the team which won. But wait! Trisha being the ‘best one’ was “self-proclaimed”! Hahaha!
We were exhausted, we were thirsty, we were tired, we were sweating, we were panting, we were out of breath. And guess what, it was drizzling! It’s a rain or shine game. No, uhm, it’s a rain or shine class? Coz even if it’s raining, we’ll continue to play on the field. That’s what our prof said. Playing kickball while it was drizzling was hard coz the ball was slippery and we have a hard time catching it or running after it. And of course, the ‘diving-thing’ won’t be missing. Hahaha. There are lots of it. To sum it all, kickball was great, even greater coz it’s drizzling, even greatest coz of my teammates! (: We’ll be getting ready for the game next week! Black Cat for the win! (:
One more thing! We forgot to warm up before the game -.- So tomorrow I can see myself, I can hear myself whining about how my body aches, how my muscles throb.