I’m Feeling

^~~~^

Advertisements

Lost for Words, Out of Tears

IT’S BLINKING… It’s blinking…
Waiting for me. But it seems impatient.
So I started to type —tap tap tap tap
It’s still blinking… It’s blinking…
I can’t make it stop. It won’t stop.
And I want it to stop. But I didn’t stop typing.
Just so it’ll be constant. Somehow it will slow down.
But it’s still blinking… It’s blinking…
Make it stop. I want it to stop.
I don’t want anymore blinking. But it wouldn’t stop.
Why? Now I’m out of words. Now I’m lost for words.
I can’t make it stop. But please…
It’s still blinking… It’s blinking…
So I’ll just leave it. Nothing I can do.
It’s blinking… It’s blinking…
I’m mixed up. I’m drained.
So be it. So be it.

It’s hurting me… It’s hurting me…
Waiting for me to give up. But it seems oblivious.
So I started to cry —tears tears tears tears
It’s still hurting me… It’s hurting me…
I can’t make it stop. It won’t stop.
And I want it to stop. But I didn’t stop crying.
Just so it’ll be out of me. Somehow it will ease the pain.
But it’s still hurting me… It’s hurting me…
Make it stop. I want it to stop.
I don’t want anymore pain. But it wouldn’t stop.
Why? Now I’m out of tears. Now I’m lost for reasons.
I can’t make it stop. But please…
It’s still hurting me… It’s hurting me…
So I’ll just leave it. Nothing I can do.
It’s hurting me… It’s hurting me…
I’m messed up. I’m empty.
So be it. So be it.

^~~~^

Too Weak To Smile

SHE JUST wanted to lay down.

She’s too tired
to argue with herself,
too tired
to do anything.

She’s too occupied
to think of any other thing.

She’s too empty
to feel anything.

She’s just tired.
Tired.

She wanted to talk to someone.
But there’s no one wanted to.

She wanted to be happy
but she just can’t
because she’s too weak.
Too weak even just to smile.

^~~~^

A Man Who Shed Tears

FOR A long time, he felt this way again. But he knows this time it’s different. Totally different. Before, those days were just days when he was tired and just doing things like drawing, listening to music, or sleeping will comfort him, will help him a little to forget things which made him feel heavy. But at this very moment, he doesn’t know, doesn’t understand even what he’s feeling.

He tried to draw but he can’t even manage his hand to move. He tried to listen to music but the song, its melody irritates his ears, its sounds turn out to be deafening. He tried to close his eyes, to sleep, but that feelings just got stronger, worse..

Why does he need to carry it alone? He found himself wanting to give up, wanting to quit. But he is a man. And men are strong. Yet not always. Men have their weaknesses. Men have their soft side which they prefer to be hidden. But this time, he can’t hide it. He can’t even manage to carry on. He just wanted the pain to stop, the pain which swallowed him and he allowed that such thing to happen.

He got a lot of things to be done but the only thing he wanted to do is cry. Cry –which others see as a verboten for men. As if seeing a man cries means he is not a man anymore, as if being a man means being a robot, as if being a man means having a heart of stone.

But he doesn’t care anymore, he doesn’t care to anything. Beside, he’s too tired and feeling too empty to care what others thought of.

He wanted to cry maybe because when he does, it will ease the pain. Somehow. He just wanted the pain out of him, out of his system.

^~~~^

Full of Emptiness

TODAY I am poured with such information. I search for it and now I found it. But I don’t know what to do. I long for it to know and now I know it. But I don’t know how to react. No one said this is hard. No one warned me that this will be not simple as what I’ve expected it to be. No one teach me what to do and how to react in times like this. No one seems to care.

This is the feeling when you expect what you’re expecting. When you knew what you will find out but then finding out even if you already knew is absurd. I realized ‘knowing what you will find out’ and ‘really finding out’ are two different thing.

This night is a night full of emptiness. I am right now full of emptiness. I forgot to speak, to talk, to see, to hear, I forgot to breath, I even forgot to live for a while. I forgot who am I. Feeding me with such information I wanted to eat but I didn’t dare to swallow. I didn’t want to digest it, because in the first place I don’t understand!

‘Knowing’ and ‘understanding’ are just like ‘knowing what you will find out’ and ‘founding out’. They are two very very unlike word. And understanding is a lot more difficult and a lot more complicated. It requires listening, thinking, and feelings. While the latter requires just ears and eyes! Just to hear and to see, not to listen and not to be aware.

I knew too much but I think it is not yet enough and I need to know more. I didn’t know if a little more or a lot more, all I know is that I need to know more. I need to, in order for me to understand what to be understood.. Eating. It’s like eating. Eating is knowing and knowing what you will find. And swallowing is understanding and finding out. What a process…

^~~~^