Deirdre

 

Atmosphere talked it wasn’t home
atleast not anymore

I tried to search for her
knowing she’s not coming back

Her little cries
Making sound
Her barks
I wouldn’t hear anymore

Her little body
Finding herself to bed
Her warmth
I wouldn’t feel anymore

Her licks
Her kisses
Wetting our faces
I wouldn’t get any anymore

Her claws
Making scars
I wouldn’t be wounded anymore

Her eyes
Her eyes..
I will always remember

Her eyes
I couldn’t stare to anymore
Her eyes
I couldn’t talk to anymore

In your presence..
we found friendship
inspite of not tapping our shoulders

we found love
inspite of not saying anything

we found family
inspite of the difference

our little mini pinscher
wherever you may be
you’ve been a part of our life
and always will be

wherever you may be
we know you loved us
we know you protected us
and you are loved

You are loved Didie
Our little Deirdre

 

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Seeing An Airplane Was Once Magical

WHEN I was a child, I’m fond of airplanes. Not airplanes as it is but airplanes in the sky.

Like any other child, seeing an airplane hovering above is magical –atleast that’s what I thought.

I want to see airplanes. Neither did I know, it gives me a different feeling. As a toddler, I’m longing to see airplanes so I waited and waited. Nighttime is much more beautiful. The blinking light that they made, the way it passes by up above the night sky like a shooting star..

It is was magical.. Before long, I realized; airplanes made me sad.

Airplanes made me sad because it gives me hope –a hope that’ll be forever as it is. Those moments– whenever I see an airplane, I will stretch my hand and pointed it. Not yet satisfied with that action, I’ll proudly cry;

there’s an airplane!

as if being the first one to see the airplane is something.

Airplanes made me think of someone. Seeing an airplane gives me the hope of seeing that someone who is special to me. Everytime I see an airplane, I assume that my SS (someone special) is in that plane and in a moment or two, I’ll be able to meet him. I know it’s not possible but for a child, there’s nothing impossible, right?

And it goes on. I can’t help myself from assuming that he is really there in that plane I’m seeing, that he’s just there right above me looking for me on the ground –I’m hoping that I’ll see him, expecting that I’ll have him with me all the time like what I saw in any other toddlers.

Yes this goes on til I grew up –and so does the hurting.

Seeing an airplane is magical.. yet dismal.

^~~~^ ★

They Got And I Got

SHE MUST care.
She got that title
and ruined it

she got that responsibility
and run away from it Continue reading

Empty Boxes Under The Christmas Tree

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THIS BOX has been sitting at the bottom of our Christmas tree for days. There are three of these. We knew that the boxes are all empty. Our Tita just put it there to somehow look like there’s many gifts. Three empty boxes.

Then Christmas and New Year passed by. We removed our Christmas tree and put those three boxes back in Tita’s room.

Then this night, Tita came downstairs holding two boxes and told us; here’s my gift to you guys, why did you put it back?

My sister and I looked at each other, confused. I stood up and get the boxes while giving my sister the what-is-this-look. I gave my sister the other box and sit down. I’ve shaken the box and whispered to my sister that it’s empty.

So I was thinking… Tita’s pranking us right? Tita? Prank? –doesn’t sounds right. Haha. So I decided to open the box.

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And I knew it’s empty! Right, my Tita’s pranking us!

 

But wait..

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–look what I found! Haha! A 500-pero bill. Okay, she got us there. And my sister wouldn’t open hers. I told her; no, it’s not empty! Open it!

Hahaha! Thanks Tita! (:

 

Happy New Year everyone!!

^~~~^

The Call

I HEARD my phone ringing. It was at the side of my laptop. I veered my head. I was about to answer it. Unknown caller.. But upon seeing the number… I knew. I knew it was him. I don’t know his number but seeing the first 2 digits lets me know that it was him.

I let it ring. Twice. Thrice. Four times. Five times before answering it. It will be rude of me if I didn’t answer. It would make me bad if I will not answer it.

So I answer it.

Am I that bad if I don’t feel like talking to him?
Am I that bad if I won’t open up to him?
Am I that bad if I won’t tell stories to him?
Am I that bad if I am not that comfortable talking to him?
Am I that bad if I’m a bit irritated?
Am I that bad?

I feel neither hate nor anger. But I feel something bad.. I don’t know what it is. But is it even my fault?

^~~~^

A Mother Like This Isn’t a Mother At All

I HEARD a lot of things about mothers. How mothers know best, how a mother’s love’s unconditional, how a mother care so much, how a mother will sacrifice everything, how a mother will do everything, how a mother will do this-and-that-impossible stuff.. And all I can think of is “shit”.

I stop believing those phrases long ago! I’ve unlearn what the word mother means. It’s just a word for me and nothing more.. Even typing that certain word makes me feel like I’m doing something I must not be doing. It’s like a sin.. and so does writing this one.

Mother? I never had one. Ever.

But yes, sometimes it would hit me what it would be like to have a mother. A mother more than just word. A real mother. It would hit me and whenever it did, it’ll landed right through me making me feel like I’m just another human being betrayed, abandoned, and unloved. And I know you know what it felt like.

Questions punch me here and there even if I’m trying hard to avoid those, it will caught me off guard.. And their punches hurts. So much.

I don’t know why it hurts so much when in fact there’s no memory of leaving. I don’t know why it hurts so much when I’ve managed to live for 18 years without ‘it’. Yes, sometimes I prefer to use ‘it’ more than ‘mother’. I know it’s maybe somewhat rude but bear with me, I’m not used to using the word mother or mom. It rarely comes out of my mouth either.

All I want to know is what happened. Everybody’s mouth is shut up about it. Not even one wants to tell me. And I think I’m in the right age to know what really happened then. Someone owes me the truth..

I’m angry at her because she left us.. yet I don’t know if ‘left’ is the right word to use but hey it was her choice; a choice which ruins a life, a choice which deprived me something everyone needed, a choice she alone have chosen. After all these years, she can do anything just to talk to me but she never did anything at all. There are these social networking and stuff, we never change our address, she knows where we are but why doesn’t she act? Why don’t do anything if there’s so much ways? Why choose to stay away?

Maybe because she just doesn’t care. At all. Plain and simple.

Well thanks for bringing me in this world. And thanks, too, for making me suffer like this.

^~~~^

A Love Of Grandparents

BECAUSE TODAY is the 63rd wedding anniversary of my beloved grandparents (:

Inay and Tatay

Both of them are not here anymore, physically. But I know they’re just always here. Sometimes they would even visit me in my dreams..

I really love them, so much. They undoubtedly gave the love and affection to us. They became our parents. They really taught us everything a child needs to know. I don’t know what my life would be if they weren’t there for me.

They just simply love us without ifs and buts. And I simply feel the same way about them (:

^~~~^

We Already Are, Even Before You Asked –Bestfriends

We Already Are, Even Before You Asked

LOTS OF tears were shed
Lots of laughter were heard

Lots of stories were shared
Lots of whining were ranted

Lots of words were thrown
Lots of embarrassment were seen

Lots of happiness were feasted
Lots of sadness were defeated

Lots of problems were solved
Lots of hindrances were penetrated

Lots of misunderstanding
Lots of moments were treasured

There are lots of people
But there’s only a handful who cares

There are lots of people
But there’s only a handful who stays

There are lots of people
But there’s only a handful who interferes

There are lots of people
But there’s only a handful of true friends

There are lots of people
But you’re one of those handful

There are lots of people
But you’re the one I missed, a lot

I know we haven’t seen each other for some time . .
I know we haven’t talk for some time . .
But not seeing each other doesn’t mean I don’t care,
As not talking doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk.

We may be far from one another . .
But you must know that the distance between us connect us.
I may not be physically there . .
But you must know that I’m just always here.
We may be not having anymore bonding . .
But you must know, I’m still and will always be your friend,
Your bestfriend.

I’m writing this because I’m missing those days . .
I’m writing this because I’m missing my bestfriend . .
I’m writing this because I’m missing you!

you know who you are
my friend, I miss you a lot
^~~~^

House Isn’t a Home

YES THERE’S a difference between house and home..

 

 

House is where you live

but home is where you belong.

^~~~^

“Ohana Means Family”

OUTREACH PROGRAM; Bahay Pag-ibig (home for the aged).. I’ve visited there before. But that was when my grandparents were still here with us. Going back is not easy. Not when you lose someone like them. I mean lolo’s and lola’s (grandparents).

I find it hard to talk to them at first. Because I haven’t talk with lolo’s and lola’s for a long time since my grandparents went to the latter world. Staring at them, staring at their faces, I remember my Inay and Tatay. We grew up with our grandparents always on our side. They have fed us with so much love. A love we didn’t ask, a love they simply gave without much ado. Memories of both of them came pouring in. I felt the tears in my eyes but I decided to fight and unsuccessfully block my memories of them..

I remember my Tatay’s favorite story; his pandesal story!

He was just a student. Their class was all sleepy so their teacher decided to..;

Teacher: Stand up! (They did as what their teacher says) And
jump!

They jumped! Tatay jumped too and as he jump, the pandesal in the pocket of his shorts jump too! And there’s nothing he can do. He managed to quietly say;

Tatay: Goodbye my dear pandesal!

Recess time: He didn’t eat anything. Their teacher asked whose pandesal was that. But because the pandesal didn’t have any stuffing at all, he was shy to admit that it was his baon so he just stayed quiet and didn’t ate anything.

Whenever Tatay tells this story to us, to our classmates, to our friends, we all end up laughing. Once he started this pandesal story, he’ll repeat it again and again and we’ll laugh again and again as if it is the first time we’ve heard the said story.

Tatay has teached us also the following sentences;

Tino locked the door.
Dina caught the fish.
Sinon took the ball.
Pina tie the pig.

He’ll ask what those sentences were; filipino or english? He even said that when our teacher asks for sentences, we can give these. Hahaha.

Inay on the other hand didn’t have those kind of stories. But I remember she told a story about her and Tatay. She said there was this one time (they were not yet married) when she cried and when Tatay asked why she was crying, she answered; because you’re leaving. Hahaha.

Inay has a big impact on what I believe in now. She influenced me things in a good way. I was her girl. I always adore her. Her calmness, her beliefs, her understanding, everything about her..

Back to the lolo’s and lola’s in Bahay Pag-ibig.. After a few moments, I managed to talk to some of them somehow.

One of the lola’s said she was a tailor before she was brought there. She just stopped because she got problems with her eyes. One of her eyes was totally blind while the other was slightly blind. She said she was 87 and she was living there since she was 69. It’s been 18 years! She was living her life there for 18 years with other lolo’s and lola‘s.

Two of the lola’s have sang for us (: And again my Tatay’s Japanese song suddenly plays in my mind.

UPAEMS Family @ Bahay Pag-ibig With Lolo’s and Lola’s ❤

What an experience that was. It was really different. My heart was pricked. I was touched. I find myself asking, where are their families? I didn’t ask it to them for the sake of respect. But where are their families really? Were they abandoned there? Ohh please I didn’t want to think of worse things..

I’m missing Inay and Tatay.. -.-

I can say, I found another family here, the UPAEMS (:

Ohana means family! And family means nobody gets left behind.
Or forgotten.”
(Lilo & Stitch)

^~~~^