Deirdre

 

Atmosphere talked it isn’t home
atleast not anymore

I tried to search for her
knowing she’s not coming back

Her little cries
Making sound
Her barks
I wouldn’t hear anymore

Her little body
Finding herself to the bed
Her warmth
I wouldn’t feel anymore

Her licks
Her kisses
Wetting our faces
I wouldn’t get any anymore

Her claws
Making scars
I wouldn’t be wounded anymore

Her eyes
Her eyes..
I will always remember

Her eyes
I couldn’t stare anymore
Her eyes
I couldn’t talk to anymore

In your presence..
we found friendship
inspite of not tapping our shoulders

we found love
inspite of not saying anything

we found family
inspite of the difference

our little mini pinscher
wherever you may be
you’ve been a part of our life
and always will be

wherever you may be
we know you loved us
we know you protected us
and you are loved

You are loved Didie
Our little Deirdre

 

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Seeing An Airplane Was Once Magical

WHEN I was a child, I’m fond of airplanes. Not airplanes as it is but airplanes in the sky.

Like any other child, seeing an airplane hovering above is magical –atleast that’s what I thought.

I want to see airplanes. Neither did I know, it gives me a different feeling. As a toddler, I’m longing to see airplanes so I waited and waited. Nighttime is much more beautiful. The blinking light that they made, the way it passes by up above the night sky like a shooting star..

It is was magical.. Before long, I realized; airplanes made me sad.

Airplanes made me sad because it gives me hope –a hope that’ll be forever as it is. Those moments– whenever I see an airplane, I will stretch my hand and pointed it. Not yet satisfied with that action, I’ll proudly cry;

there’s an airplane!

as if being the first one to see the airplane is something.

Airplanes made me think of someone. Seeing an airplane gives me the hope of seeing that someone who is special to me. Everytime I see an airplane, I assume that my SS (someone special) is in that plane and in a moment or two, I’ll be able to meet him. I know it’s not possible but for a child, there’s nothing impossible, right?

And it goes on. I can’t help myself from assuming that he is really there in that plane I’m seeing, that he’s just there right above me looking for me on the ground –I’m hoping that I’ll see him, expecting that I’ll have him with me all the time like what I saw in any other toddlers.

Yes this goes on til I grew up –and so does the hurting.

Seeing an airplane is magical.. yet dismal.

^~~~^ ★

They Got And I Got

SHE MUST care.
She got that title
and ruined it

she got that responsibility
and run away from it Continue reading

Empty Boxes Under The Christmas Tree

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THIS BOX has been sitting at the bottom of our Christmas tree for days. There are three of these. We knew that the boxes are all empty. Our Tita just put it there to somehow look like there’s many gifts. Three empty boxes.

Then Christmas and New Year passed by. We removed our Christmas tree and put those three boxes back in Tita’s room.

Then this night, Tita came downstairs holding two boxes and told us; here’s my gift to you guys, why did you put it back?

My sister and I looked at each other, confused. I stood up and get the boxes while giving my sister the what-is-this-look. I gave my sister the other box and sit down. I’ve shaken the box and whispered to my sister that it’s empty.

So I was thinking… Tita’s pranking us right? Tita? Prank? –doesn’t sounds right. Haha. So I decided to open the box.

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And I knew it’s empty! Right, my Tita’s pranking us!

 

But wait..

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–look what I found! Haha! A 500-pero bill. Okay, she got us there. And my sister wouldn’t open hers. I told her; no, it’s not empty! Open it!

Hahaha! Thanks Tita! (:

 

Happy New Year everyone!!

^~~~^

The Call

I HEARD my phone ringing. It was at the side of my laptop. I veered my head. I was about to answer it. Unknown caller.. But upon seeing the number… I knew. I knew it was him. I don’t know his number but seeing the first 2 digits lets me know that it was him.

I let it ring. Twice. Thrice. Four times. Five times before answering it. It will be rude of me if I didn’t answer. It would make me bad if I will not answer it.

So I answer it.

Am I that bad if I don’t feel like talking to him?
Am I that bad if I won’t open up to him?
Am I that bad if I won’t tell stories to him?
Am I that bad if I am not that comfortable talking to him?
Am I that bad if I’m a bit irritated?
Am I that bad?

I feel neither hate nor anger. But I feel something bad.. I don’t know what it is. But is it even my fault?

^~~~^

A Mother Like This Isn’t a Mother At All

I HEARD a lot of things about mothers. How mothers know best, how a mother’s love’s unconditional, how a mother care so much, how a mother will sacrifice everything, how a mother will do everything, how a mother will do this-and-that-impossible stuff.. And all I can think of is “shit”.

I stop believing those phrases long ago! I’ve unlearn what the word mother means. It’s just a word for me and nothing more.. Even typing that certain word makes me feel like I’m doing something I must not be doing. It’s like a sin.. and so does writing this one.

Mother? I never had one. Ever.

But yes, sometimes it would hit me what it would be like to have a mother. A mother more than just word. A real mother. It would hit me and whenever it did, it’ll landed right through me making me feel like I’m just another human being betrayed, abandoned, and unloved. And I know you know what it felt like.

Questions punch me here and there even if I’m trying hard to avoid those, it will caught me off guard.. And their punches hurts. So much.

I don’t know why it hurts so much when in fact there’s no memory of leaving. I don’t know why it hurts so much when I’ve managed to live for 18 years without ‘it’. Yes, sometimes I prefer to use ‘it’ more than ‘mother’. I know it’s maybe somewhat rude but bear with me, I’m not used to using the word mother or mom. It rarely comes out of my mouth either.

All I want to know is what happened. Everybody’s mouth is shut up about it. Not even one wants to tell me. And I think I’m in the right age to know what really happened then. Someone owes me the truth..

I’m angry at her because she left us.. yet I don’t know if ‘left’ is the right word to use but hey it was her choice; a choice which ruins a life, a choice which deprived me something everyone needed, a choice she alone have chosen. After all these years, she can do anything just to talk to me but she never did anything at all. There are these social networking and stuff, we never change our address, she knows where we are but why doesn’t she act? Why don’t do anything if there’s so much ways? Why choose to stay away?

Maybe because she just doesn’t care. At all. Plain and simple.

Well thanks for bringing me in this world. And thanks, too, for making me suffer like this.

^~~~^

A Love Of Grandparents

BECAUSE TODAY is the 63rd wedding anniversary of my beloved grandparents (:

Inay and Tatay

Both of them are not here anymore, physically. But I know they’re just always here. Sometimes they would even visit me in my dreams..

I really love them, so much. They undoubtedly gave the love and affection to us. They became our parents. They really taught us everything a child needs to know. I don’t know what my life would be if they weren’t there for me.

They just simply love us without ifs and buts. And I simply feel the same way about them (:

^~~~^