HATING WON’T do me any good.
yet I can’t bring myself no to..
HATING WON’T do me any good.
yet I can’t bring myself no to..
I HATE those kind of people. And you know that.
But you became just like them..
The thing is, you are my friend.
And I can’t bring myself to hate you.
So I’m hating myself..
I HATE this day. Really. I didn’t have a good sleep. Last night I stayed up late (I always stayed up late but it’s just a big deal coz it’s about acads) coz I finished my report and my presentation in one of my subjects. When I woke up, I’m not in a good mood. I didn’t even want to go to my class. But since I’m a student and going to classes seems like a must, I did go, forced to face the day with a crown of frown.
I physically went to my classes but then I was mentally absent. I take down notes but didn’t absorb it. I just took down notes for the sake of copying. And when I don’t feel like copying, I’ll just tire myself; drawing. I’ll just draw and draw and draw anything I want.
Then the TIME finally arrives.. The TIME I just wanted to fast forward if possible. The TIME I just didn’t want to come in the first place. And shit! I didn’t want to recall what happened. I didn’t want to give any details of it also. The time will come when I’ll be reading this and if I gave any details; those happenings will just came pouring in as well as the feeling of being down. I just wanted to forget it.
I’m just writing this because this is my way of letting it out aside from punching walls. And I’ll say, it’s really better this way than the latter way.
P.S. It’s the 7th death anniversary of my grandmother (Inay). I can’t believe it’s been seven years… Missing her -.-
MY LIFE was incomplete. It will never be complete. And you are to blame! Yes it’s you. Shit the things you have done. Shit the path you have chosen. Shit the choice you have made. Well let’s give thanks to those shits because without those I’ll never have the chance to write this shit full of shits.
I don’t know why I’m wasting my time writing this. Maybe just to let the shit out of me, maybe just to blame you, maybe just to ruin your life as what you did to mine, maybe just to hurt you as how you’ve hurt me. But I doubt it. You can’t feel. You have no conscience. You don’t even have a heart to be hurt at all. If you have a heart maybe it’s not beating, maybe it’s fake, maybe it’s different to the point no one, even scientific elucidation, can explain, maybe it’s not a heart at all. Because if you really have a heart, you will never do such things. You will never decide such decisions. You will never choose such option. You will never hurt such innocent.
But because you don’t have a real heart you do such things, things I will never even think of doing. I will never be like you. I have a heart, a heart you have stepped like what you have done to a bit of cigarette, a heart you have thrown like what you have done to a candy’s wrapper, a heart you have ruined even before it becomes intact. I was so vulnerable, so weak, so feeble, so frail, so helpless, so fragile, and so delicate, that just breathing seems to be the hardest thing to do.
You made me feel that way and I will never learn how to forget how you made me feel. Yet you’re still not contented. You wanted to be remembered. So in my heart you carved. And you did what you want; your signature in my heart will always be here. No matter how hard I try to remove it, to scratch it, there’s nothing I can do.
You just won. For you, winning is hurting and letting others down. I didn’t know what you are, I didn’t know what to call you. You’re just an existing creature nothing more. After all these years, I still cannot forget the pain. It’s still affecting me. It’s still ruining me. It’s still sipping my soul out. It’s still emptying me. And I think, as long as I live so will the agony.
Are you happy? Are you at ease? Are you satisfied to what you have done? Or are you still not contented? Are you pleased that you have hurt me? Or you still wanted to hurt me? Are you thrilled that you’re still affecting my life? Or you wanted more? Are you delighted to see me shedding tears? Or do you want me to shed blood? Are you fulfilled to see me living with misery? Or you wanted me to see not breathing at all? You have ruined my life and still you’re longing to steal it?
Why I even ask, eh you don’t have a heart to feel! I feel sorry for you. There’s one thing in this world that you can’t feel. And never will you experience it. One thing that’s very special, very extraordinary, and very real. It’s love! You’re out of love. Love for you is just a word. But there’s more to love. It isn’t just a word you can spell. It isn’t just a word you can read. It isn’t just a word and you will never know what it is. You will never understand. You will never feel how to love and to be loved. Pity! I am done here. Even if this shit is full of shits, it’s for you! Thanks to your shits. My last words for you; I shittingly shitting you. Sorry there seems to be no words existing that I can express what I’m feeling for you.
(Sorry for some harsh words I’ve used.)
WHEN THE world suddenly turns upside down, most of us say, oh I don’t know what will happen to us anymore! But that is just something we told ourselves just maybe to ‘make us slow down’. That is not totally the truth coz we all know what will happen to us when the world, out of the blue, turns upside down. We’re just like a toddler, afraid of what’s ahead of us. And what are we afraid of? We’re afraid to accept the truth about the world, the truth that lies in life;
Losing what you have
Ending where you have started
Hating what you love
Unloving what you have loved
Liking what you didn’t like
Unwanting what you wanted
Wanting what you need
Unneeding what you want
Telling what must be kept
Keeping what must be told
Showing what you didn’t feel
Acting what you didn’t like to show
Saying what you didn’t want to say
Hurting people you didn’t want to hurt
Waiting for what have been there
Searching for what was there
Looking for the unknown
When the truth fools you
When the truth teach you how to lie
When the lies reveal the truth
When the lies itself lead to the truth
When people live because of death
When people died because of life
When people love because of hatred
When people hate because of love
When the world turn 360 degrees, that’s when veracity strikes us like a bullet aiming for its bull’s eye!
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