Pretending Everything’s Fine

IT’S JUST hard to pretend that everything’s okay. It’s harder to pretend that you’re fine, when in fact you’re feeling the other way around. Harder, too, when you know that the person who made you feel that way is there with you.

Everyday I had to carry the burden and face the fact that I will see the person who made me feel miserable. And you know how it’s annoying that she’s acting like everything is fine between us.

Everything is not fine. Why can’t we admit that something is wrong! There’s a problem. Or maybe, it’s just about me? Or maybe, I’m the problem itself?

But every time I see her, I am hurting. I can’t prevent the hurt.. No one can. Knowing that she knew she did something wrong..  knowing that she knew I was hurt and all I am waiting for is her apology.. all I am waiting for is her ‘sorry’.. all I am waiting for is the confrontation that never take place, –will never maybe.

Every time I see her, I can’t forget how she lied to us.. I can’t remove the lies in her face.. I can’t erase what she had done.. I can’t unheard what she had said.. I always remember..

Every time I see her, I had to deal with what I’m feeling –the hurt. Why do everytime I look into her eyes I saw nothing? No remorse, no concern, nothing at all..

I am hurt because she is my friend, and vice versa –that is what I thought.

I don’t know if what I am to her now. An acquaintance? A companion? I don’t know!!

All I know is, she used to be my friend. We used to share secrets. We used to tell stories. We used to be together.. I used to be her friend.. but now I’m starting to realize her definition of friendship..


Yeah I think that’s what friendship for her. Whoever’s available to be with her that’s her friend. And whoever’s not, is simply not.



Could You Talk To My Heart And Tell It To Move On?

IF SOMEONE will ask me why am I wearing this.. I am wearing this because I made it. I am wearing this because it is simply beautiful.

But if I would be asked why am I still wearing this.. It’s because this is special. It’s because this bracelet is as special as who taught me how to make it. What’s the big deal then?

The thing is.. I am still wearing this because I haven’t move on. The only reason to move on is I don’t feel anything for him anymore. But the only reason that I can’t and couldn’t move on is that I can’t bring myself to believe the only reason to move on. I can’t believe because it’s the reciprocal of what my heart has been telling me.

I don’t know til when I’ll be wearing this. But you know.. I tried not to wear it. But my body looks for it. My wrist crave for it. So I simply followed them. But that’s not my reason. It’s an excuse of an in denial me.

The truth is.. I felt incompleteness and my heart kept on looking for it. So I purposely ignored my brain and undoubtingly followed my heart.

How am I supposed to move on if everyday I think of you and every night I dreamed of you?

How am I supposed to move on if every silence means your absence and every voice means your words?

How am I supposed to move on if in every song I hear, I heard your voice and in every music I hear, I remember you?

How am I supposed to move on if in everything I do and even don’t do, I think of you?

How am I supposed to move on if  every time I close my eyes, I feel the pain and every time I open it, I see the past?

How am I supposed to move on if I’ve given you my heart?

How am I supposed to move on if I couldn’t talk to my heart?

How am I supposed to move on if you are the only one for me?


Just The Available One?

YOU ARE not supposed to tell me everything.
But it doesn’t mean that you should not tell me what I need to know.

You are not supposed to tell me everything.
But it doesn’t mean that you won’t let me know.

You are not supposed to tell me everything.
But it doesn’t mean that you will… lie

It’s hard to pretend everyday.
Everytime I see you, so does the lie.
I can see the lie you told us, you told me.

I didn’t know it was a lie at first.
Of course. Because I believe in you.
But I have that feeling. The feeling that I knew you were hiding something.

But hiding something and telling a lie are two different situations.
And you prefer the latter one.

It’s not easy to pretend that I didn’t know.
I wanted to confront you but I waited for you to do it.

It’s hard to wait for you to do it.
But still I waited and waited… for nothing.

It’s not easy not to think about it.
Because it was you who have done it and you are my friend.

I didn’t even know that you have an issue with me.
But the moment I knew, I made a choice.

I was hurt. Yes I was really heart.
And everytime I see you, I remember the lie, the hurt..

I once asked myself; am I really your friend as what you have said?
Or am I just someone who’s available to be with you?

It’s really sad. I felt sad for asking that to myself.
And I didn’t even wanna know the answer.

I made a choice. A choice you made me to choose.
A choice where I was forced to choose because I didn’t have an option.

Not to be involve. Silence.

I made a choice.


The Truth Behind Lies and Truths

WHAT IS the plural of lie?

It’s lies right?

And what is the plural of truth?

Is it truths?

In some way it’s not. Truths is an uncountable noun. It means that we cannot count it. You wanted to know why??

It’s simple as this;

It’s because, in this world where we’ve grown up, there are so many lies! Lots of it. They are everywhere. Unlimited. Littering every truth. Stabbing everyone. Breaking every bond. They never got tired. BUT.. no matter how many lies there are, we all know that there is only one truth!


A Lie Which Changed Who Am I

I’VE BEEN living my life
living my life with a lie
a lie which changed who am I
a lie which ate my soul.

Realizing something
myself is to blame
this is what I’ve wished for
this is what I’ve dreamed of.

I am –running a restaurant, a bit true
that’s what I told my friends
that’s what I told my family
that’s what I told everyone.

I don’t know how long can I take this
I don’t want anymore, living like this
But I can’t tell them
I am –spy.

A spy, a secret agent,
I work day and night
just a call and I’m gone
to save and serve.

What about myself?
my friends? my family?
and the one I love?
but what about the people?
what about serving them?


World @ 360

WHEN THE world suddenly turns upside down, most of us say, oh I don’t know what will happen to us anymore! But that is just something we told ourselves just maybe to ‘make us slow down’. That is not totally the truth coz we all know what will happen to us when the world, out of the blue, turns upside down. We’re just like a toddler, afraid of what’s ahead of us. And what are we afraid of? We’re afraid to accept the truth about the world, the truth that lies in life;

Losing what you have
Ending where you have started

Hating what you love
Unloving what you have loved
Liking what you didn’t like
Unwanting what you wanted
Wanting what you need
Unneeding what you want

Telling what must be kept
Keeping what must be told
Showing what you didn’t feel
Acting what you didn’t like to show
Saying what you didn’t want to say
Hurting people you didn’t want to hurt

Waiting for what have been there
Searching for what was there
Looking for the unknown

When the truth fools you
When the truth teach you how to lie
When the lies reveal the truth
When the lies itself lead to the truth
When people live because of death
When people died because of life
When people love because of hatred
When people hate because of love

When the world turn 360 degrees, that’s when veracity strikes us like a bullet aiming for its bull’s eye!


Movies Rewinded

Movies which conquers my mind, some clasps my heart..

~ The Perez Family (1995) – “BLOOD IS thicker than water” but in this movie people showed love from one another even if different blood rushes through their veins. The way the Perezes people live was overwhelming and made me smile. People who shares the same surname, Perez, but were not related at all built their own so-called family, The Perez Family. They learned to cared and actually loved each other like a real family. It was their surname that bonded them but it was the love that kept them bonded. See, blood is not always thicker than water at all.

~ Beauty and the Briefcase (2010) – THERE’S SO many definitions of love. Many people were mistaken for giving a reason “why” they love certain people, for making a list of “potential” lovers, for being ignorance of what true love is. Love is pure when you love certain people without any “because”, “ifs”, or “buts”.  Love need no lists of potential personalities or characteristics. It is at all times unexpected. Sometimes the one you love was at your side all the time and you just didn’t notice it because you were blinded. You didn’t see what-is-real from what-is-not because of what-you-dream which creates a blindfold to your eyes and heart which causes you to unable to see and unable to feel.

~ When In Rome (2010) – AGAIN, THIS movie is about love. Some people are dying to feel loved, dying to have lovers and it causes them to do such things. But as I’ve said, it is at all times unexpected. Things come and go, but there are things that remain and started to have a sentimental value to us and we give importance to it. People come and go, but there are people who remain and stays with us and truly love us for what we are. That’s what love is.

~ City of Ember (2008) – “NEVER LET go, you never know when miracles will happen.” Knowing what’s right and not doing anything then conscience shall eat your soul, but in this movie, Lina and Doon who discover something that will make all of them to continue to live outside the City of Ember do all the things they can. Even if they were called traitors by the Mayor and have faced many hindrances they didn’t give up, they never stop doing what they know is right and what they know is good for all of

them. At last, they get what they deserve.

~ Everybody’s Fine (2009)A FAMILY movie. “For all we know, truth loves to reveals itself voluntarily” so how much we’re quiet to keep the truth and how long we keep it didn’t matter at all. In this family movie, the grown up children keep things from their father simply because they didn’t become what their father wanted them to be and they don’t want to disappoint him. What they told their father was all lie, they didn’t let their father know even the death of their sibling and look what had happened, the truth has its own conscience and reveals itself. Think, it’s better to tell the truth and be free of guilt than to hold it forever which little by little eat your inner self. Watch and see what will happen when the truth was revealed.

*more batches of movies sooner*


(pictures from Google images)