The Way The World Is

HE ADMIRES her and the feelings are mutual
he wanted to witness her smile
she wanted to stare into his eyes

Both responded in stillness
he witnessed her smile
she stared into his eyes Continue reading

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A Mother Like This Isn’t a Mother At All

I HEARD a lot of things about mothers. How mothers know best, how a mother’s love’s unconditional, how a mother care so much, how a mother will sacrifice everything, how a mother will do everything, how a mother will do this-and-that-impossible stuff.. And all I can think of is “shit”.

I stop believing those phrases long ago! I’ve unlearn what the word mother means. It’s just a word for me and nothing more.. Even typing that certain word makes me feel like I’m doing something I must not be doing. It’s like a sin.. and so does writing this one.

Mother? I never had one. Ever.

But yes, sometimes it would hit me what it would be like to have a mother. A mother more than just word. A real mother. It would hit me and whenever it did, it’ll landed right through me making me feel like I’m just another human being betrayed, abandoned, and unloved. And I know you know what it felt like.

Questions punch me here and there even if I’m trying hard to avoid those, it will caught me off guard.. And their punches hurts. So much.

I don’t know why it hurts so much when in fact there’s no memory of leaving. I don’t know why it hurts so much when I’ve managed to live for 18 years without ‘it’. Yes, sometimes I prefer to use ‘it’ more than ‘mother’. I know it’s maybe somewhat rude but bear with me, I’m not used to using the word mother or mom. It rarely comes out of my mouth either.

All I want to know is what happened. Everybody’s mouth is shut up about it. Not even one wants to tell me. And I think I’m in the right age to know what really happened then. Someone owes me the truth..

I’m angry at her because she left us.. yet I don’t know if ‘left’ is the right word to use but hey it was her choice; a choice which ruins a life, a choice which deprived me something everyone needed, a choice she alone have chosen. After all these years, she can do anything just to talk to me but she never did anything at all. There are these social networking and stuff, we never change our address, she knows where we are but why doesn’t she act? Why don’t do anything if there’s so much ways? Why choose to stay away?

Maybe because she just doesn’t care. At all. Plain and simple.

Well thanks for bringing me in this world. And thanks, too, for making me suffer like this.

^~~~^

A Little Difference Is a Big Change

THERE WILL come a moment in our life when we’ll look back and realize we’ve met many different people. They, different for us.. so do we, different for them. Little did we know that there was this certain person who changed us. Changed us in a way we never imagined. Changed us into someone a lil different from what we used to be.

We’ll come to realize that they, he or she, didn’t change us at all. But we did change for them. We accepted the change which has been waiting for so long. Finally we learned to accept it wholeheartedly, accepted it without a single doubt.. And we owe it to them, her or him.

One morning.. we’ll just wake up with a fresh eyes as if we’re just born again and we’ll see life in a different perspective.

The morning light isn’t just a dazzling light.. but a light that would mark a new beginning. Human beings aren’t just people living.. but there’s more to them than what we should have known. Animals aren’t just creatures, not just pets.. but they are living things capable of caring. Music isn’t just a sound we listen to.. but are songs capable of comforting.. Different views and they removed that blindfold from us.

Our life’s just be different since they came. Our life seems to be better than just enough. People came and they are oblivious to what they have done.. oblivious to how they have affected us.. oblivious that they are the reason for a better person right before their eyes.. oblivious that a little difference is definitely a big change..

I’ve met a lot of different people and that certain person who have driven me to write about this certain change.. And now maybe you’re oblivious, too, that you, yourself, became different person to someone.. that you, yourself, cause a real change to someone.

He Searched For Love But Found Hatred Instead

HE SEARCHED for her. Simply because he wanna know her. Because not knowing her is not like knowing his whole self. Not knowing her is like never having a satisfying day. Not knowing her is like carrying a heaviness inside him. Not knowing her is like not knowing a part of him. Not knowing her is like not having a life at all.

So he desperately search for him. He desperately wanted to know her. He search for her in every possible way he can. And just one day, poof! He found it. He found her. He realized that wanting to find her and finding her are two very different situation. Wanting to find her; he was expecting to find her. But then finding her is like an unexpected thing to happen even if he’s already expecting it. He found her but then he’s on a dead end.

Yes he did find her. But what to do now? He didn’t have any plan at all. He had planned to search for but what will he do when he already saw her? He search for her because he wanted her love. The love that must be given to him without asking for it. The love that must be given to him unconditionally by her. The love that was never given to him at all. The love that was deprived from me by the person who was supposed to be giving it. That love that was lost even before it was given.

He wanted her into his life. He wanted her to be a part of his life. He wanted her to do her responsibility to him. He wanted her to love him. HeĀ  wanted her to care for him as how she would have cared to someone she loves. He was not just searching for her but also for what she must be doing. He was longing for those things. But it didn’t do him any good. Even finding her didn’t cause any better. Searching for her was right but finding her was a mistake. It was worst than ever. He never know when will he call her mother or will he ever?

He have searched for her love. But what he found was hatred. Hatred for himself and for her. He hated himself for finding her and he hated her for not minding to search for him at all. He hated himself for wanting to know her and he hated her for acting oblivious. He hated himself for wanting her into his life, for needing her care, for longing her love and he hated her for leaving him in the first place. He hated himself for not thinking of the aftermath of what he was doing, for not thinking of the changes that have happened over the years and he hated her for not wanting to know what have happened to him either.

He was so wrong. He was sorry for himself. Searching for her, he found hatred and he put it in his heart. And it was no good. No good at all.

^~~~^

It’s Past Two AM

IT’S PAST two am and half of the world
is sleeping, they’re in dreamland
some having a good time, some are not.

It’s past two am and half of the world
is wide awake, doing their daily works,
cause it’s not two am in their place.

It’s past two am and here I am doing this
just to fill the boredom while waiting for the time,
the time that will change my life as a student.

It’s past two am and I can’t think
of any other thing to do.

It’s past two am and I think of eating
but it was an absurd thing to do,
at this time of the night.

It’s past two am and the television is still running,
music encompasses my surroundings,
it didn’t care to wake someone up.

It’s past two am and I tried to draw,
but I’m not in the mood.

It’s past two am and I tried to sleep
but my system get used to it;
not sleeping at the time I must be sleeping.

It’s two am and here I am
chatting with my friends
who didn’t think of sleeping too.

It’s past two am, so just to kill the boredom,
here I am again.
Writing. Blogging.
Writing. Blogging.
Writing. Blogging.

It’s past two am…

^~~~^

Tell Me You Haven’t Lie and I’ll Tell You; So am I

LYING WILL lead you to no good. But there are times when it makes things better. Lying may not be a good thing but it’s also not a bad thing at all.

All of us have lied. Who haven’t? We lie to others. We even lie to ourselves. And why do we lie? It’s because we want to make things better before it even get worse. It’s because we want to avoid others from getting hurt. It’s because, we ourselves, don’t want to get hurt. It’s because there are times that we don’t know what to do anymore than to lie. It’s because there are times that we won’t accept the truth because we just can’t stand it.

And sometimes we lie for an unknown reasons. We’ve got a lot of reasons to lie. Some reasons for good, some for bad, some for good ending up for bad, some for bad ending up for good. We’ve got reasons no matter what, it’s because people never run out of reasons.

There are times when we lie having good intentions but the aftermath ending up worse. Because whenever we lie, there will always be people who’ll be affected. No matter how hard we try not to involve others, someone will always get hurt without us intending to.

I really don’t know if it’s ‘okay’ to lie.

Let’s admit it, we have even lied to ourselves. It’s too complicated right? Lying to ourselves; how can we lie to ourselves if we already knew what is true from what is not? I think it involves rejection. Notwithstanding the truth, we chose to reject that it really is true even if we knew it is.

Now tell me who haven’t lie?
Even the truth is the mirror of lies.

^~~~^