A Mother Like This Isn’t a Mother At All

I HEARD a lot of things about mothers. How mothers know best, how a mother’s love’s unconditional, how a mother care so much, how a mother will sacrifice everything, how a mother will do everything, how a mother will do this-and-that-impossible stuff.. And all I can think of is “shit”.

I stop believing those phrases long ago! I’ve unlearn what the word mother means. It’s just a word for me and nothing more.. Even typing that certain word makes me feel like I’m doing something I must not be doing. It’s like a sin.. and so does writing this one.

Mother? I never had one. Ever.

But yes, sometimes it would hit me what it would be like to have a mother. A mother more than just word. A real mother. It would hit me and whenever it did, it’ll landed right through me making me feel like I’m just another human being betrayed, abandoned, and unloved. And I know you know what it felt like.

Questions punch me here and there even if I’m trying hard to avoid those, it will caught me off guard.. And their punches hurts. So much.

I don’t know why it hurts so much when in fact there’s no memory of leaving. I don’t know why it hurts so much when I’ve managed to live for 18 years without ‘it’. Yes, sometimes I prefer to use ‘it’ more than ‘mother’. I know it’s maybe somewhat rude but bear with me, I’m not used to using the word mother or mom. It rarely comes out of my mouth either.

All I want to know is what happened. Everybody’s mouth is shut up about it. Not even one wants to tell me. And I think I’m in the right age to know what really happened then. Someone owes me the truth..

I’m angry at her because she left us.. yet I don’t know if ‘left’ is the right word to use but hey it was her choice; a choice which ruins a life, a choice which deprived me something everyone needed, a choice she alone have chosen. After all these years, she can do anything just to talk to me but she never did anything at all. There are these social networking and stuff, we never change our address, she knows where we are but why doesn’t she act? Why don’t do anything if there’s so much ways? Why choose to stay away?

Maybe because she just doesn’t care. At all. Plain and simple.

Well thanks for bringing me in this world. And thanks, too, for making me suffer like this.

^~~~^

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He Searched For Love But Found Hatred Instead

HE SEARCHED for her. Simply because he wanna know her. Because not knowing her is not like knowing his whole self. Not knowing her is like never having a satisfying day. Not knowing her is like carrying a heaviness inside him. Not knowing her is like not knowing a part of him. Not knowing her is like not having a life at all.

So he desperately search for him. He desperately wanted to know her. He search for her in every possible way he can. And just one day, poof! He found it. He found her. He realized that wanting to find her and finding her are two very different situation. Wanting to find her; he was expecting to find her. But then finding her is like an unexpected thing to happen even if he’s already expecting it. He found her but then he’s on a dead end.

Yes he did find her. But what to do now? He didn’t have any plan at all. He had planned to search for but what will he do when he already saw her? He search for her because he wanted her love. The love that must be given to him without asking for it. The love that must be given to him unconditionally by her. The love that was never given to him at all. The love that was deprived from me by the person who was supposed to be giving it. That love that was lost even before it was given.

He wanted her into his life. He wanted her to be a part of his life. He wanted her to do her responsibility to him. He wanted her to love him. He  wanted her to care for him as how she would have cared to someone she loves. He was not just searching for her but also for what she must be doing. He was longing for those things. But it didn’t do him any good. Even finding her didn’t cause any better. Searching for her was right but finding her was a mistake. It was worst than ever. He never know when will he call her mother or will he ever?

He have searched for her love. But what he found was hatred. Hatred for himself and for her. He hated himself for finding her and he hated her for not minding to search for him at all. He hated himself for wanting to know her and he hated her for acting oblivious. He hated himself for wanting her into his life, for needing her care, for longing her love and he hated her for leaving him in the first place. He hated himself for not thinking of the aftermath of what he was doing, for not thinking of the changes that have happened over the years and he hated her for not wanting to know what have happened to him either.

He was so wrong. He was sorry for himself. Searching for her, he found hatred and he put it in his heart. And it was no good. No good at all.

^~~~^

It’s Been Too Long

Home is where he belongs

THEY DON’T know each other. They don’t know if they’ve met. They do know nothing at all.

But that day when he was walking, his mind was busy on something not known, he saw her. She’s in red but he didn’t see her face and he doesn’t even mind looking at her. Then his friends say she’s weird because she wasn’t looking, but staring at them… at him. He then regret not looking at her face, maybe he knew her, maybe they know each other but just maybe.

When their paths have crossed again his friends pointed her and said it was her, the woman in red who was staring at him. The moment he look at her, tears started to fall down his cheek.

She saw when the tears run down his face. Her eyes were also clouded with tears but she had learned to manage them not to escape from her eyes. She thought, he recognized me even if he didn’t see me for a long time.

He wipe his tears, knot was formed on his forehead, I knew her but I don’t know her and I don’t even know why there is something about her that made my eyes shed tears.

She then smiled at him.

Hey! He knew that smile. He knew her! It was her, really her.

She open her arms and welcome him. He hugged her, hugged her tightly.

She was his mother. He was her son. His mother whom he didn’t see for a long time, his mother who had promised to come back and now there she is.

“It’s been too long, now he wanna come home”, home where he can feel again the touch of his mother, the love of his mother. It’s been too long…

^~~~^

Movies Rewinded [2]

Old or new movies, they all have their own stories..

~ The Forgotten (2004) – IF THE mind forgets, the heart doesn’t. Even if the mind didn’t remember anything the heart always will feel. In this movie, there are people who tell lies and tried to erase the memories of child to their parents. But there’s something that help them remembers that they had child and that “something” was love. Unconditional love, in this movie it is from a mother to her child. Many things stop her from remembering that she had had a child but she didn’t let those ruin her, she stands and fight. Her memories were erased but then the feelings still remains. Unconditional love can defeat even the unbeatable.

~ Sucker Punch (2011) – “DON’T JUDGE the book by its cover” and don’t judge a movie if you haven’t finished it yet. A weird but a cool movie. At first I don’t understand the movie, but as it goes on, I already do. This movie showed that we, ourselves, are the one who decides on what will happen to us, we choose things on our own that lead us to the things that will happen, sometimes remorse manifest but most of the time, in order not to regret, we must stand for the decisions we made..

~ Wedding Daze (2006) – ANOTHER LOVE story but such a different one from others. This movie really suits what I’ve said, love is at all times unexpected. The first day, not yet knowing the name of the girl, Anderson who was depressed from the death of his girlfriend, propose to Katie and to his surprise Katie accepted the proposal. Their wedding took place for a day or three after they met. They have seen each others’ good and bad side and willingly accepted each other and love grew between them, true love. Really, this somewhat weird movie let you realize things, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known each other or  how much you know each other but how you understand love one another despite of some things.

~ If Only (2004) – JUST ANOTHER love story, but in this movie the most important here is love (of course, love story) and time. Loving somebody is not just saying ‘I love you’, ‘I miss you’, or any other sweet words. If you love someone don’t just expressed it in words instead take action, give importance. When the one you love was gone and you didn’t show how you love them enough, sure you’ll regret, remorse shall eat your heart. We don’t want to feel that, do you? So if you love someone treat them with care, fill them with your love, and give importance to their life. You can’t stop the time but you can make your time worthwhile. If you don’t have time then make time, no one handle your time but yourself.

~ The Boy in Striped Pajamas (2008) – “BIRDS OF the same feather flock together” but the two young boys in this movie proved that not only ‘the same feather flock together’.  The two child, even at their young age, showed what a true friendship really means even if they are from a different family and have lived their life from a far different viewpoint and beliefs in life. Their friendship was tested by fear but instead of destroying it, it only strengthen the bonds between them.

*more movies, just keep waiting*

^~~~^

(pictures from Google images)