Seeing An Airplane Was Once Magical

WHEN I was a child, I’m fond of airplanes. Not airplanes as it is but airplanes in the sky.

Like any other child, seeing an airplane hovering above is magical –atleast that’s what I thought.

I want to see airplanes. Neither did I know, it gives me a different feeling. As a toddler, I’m longing to see airplanes so I waited and waited. Nighttime is much more beautiful. The blinking light that they made, the way it passes by up above the night sky like a shooting star..

It is was magical.. Before long, I realized; airplanes made me sad.

Airplanes made me sad because it gives me hope –a hope that’ll be forever as it is. Those moments– whenever I see an airplane, I will stretch my hand and pointed it. Not yet satisfied with that action, I’ll proudly cry;

there’s an airplane!

as if being the first one to see the airplane is something.

Airplanes made me think of someone. Seeing an airplane gives me the hope of seeing that someone who is special to me. Everytime I see an airplane, I assume that my SS (someone special) is in that plane and in a moment or two, I’ll be able to meet him. I know it’s not possible but for a child, there’s nothing impossible, right?

And it goes on. I can’t help myself from assuming that he is really there in that plane I’m seeing, that he’s just there right above me looking for me on the ground –I’m hoping that I’ll see him, expecting that I’ll have him with me all the time like what I saw in any other toddlers.

Yes this goes on til I grew up –and so does the hurting.

Seeing an airplane is magical.. yet dismal.

^~~~^ ★

They Got And I Got

SHE MUST care.
She got that title
and ruined it

she got that responsibility
and run away from it Continue reading

“Ohana Means Family”

OUTREACH PROGRAM; Bahay Pag-ibig (home for the aged).. I’ve visited there before. But that was when my grandparents were still here with us. Going back is not easy. Not when you lose someone like them. I mean lolo’s and lola’s (grandparents).

I find it hard to talk to them at first. Because I haven’t talk with lolo’s and lola’s for a long time since my grandparents went to the latter world. Staring at them, staring at their faces, I remember my Inay and Tatay. We grew up with our grandparents always on our side. They have fed us with so much love. A love we didn’t ask, a love they simply gave without much ado. Memories of both of them came pouring in. I felt the tears in my eyes but I decided to fight and unsuccessfully block my memories of them..

I remember my Tatay’s favorite story; his pandesal story!

He was just a student. Their class was all sleepy so their teacher decided to..;

Teacher: Stand up! (They did as what their teacher says) And

They jumped! Tatay jumped too and as he jump, the pandesal in the pocket of his shorts jump too! And there’s nothing he can do. He managed to quietly say;

Tatay: Goodbye my dear pandesal!

Recess time: He didn’t eat anything. Their teacher asked whose pandesal was that. But because the pandesal didn’t have any stuffing at all, he was shy to admit that it was his baon so he just stayed quiet and didn’t ate anything.

Whenever Tatay tells this story to us, to our classmates, to our friends, we all end up laughing. Once he started this pandesal story, he’ll repeat it again and again and we’ll laugh again and again as if it is the first time we’ve heard the said story.

Tatay has teached us also the following sentences;

Tino locked the door.
Dina caught the fish.
Sinon took the ball.
Pina tie the pig.

He’ll ask what those sentences were; filipino or english? He even said that when our teacher asks for sentences, we can give these. Hahaha.

Inay on the other hand didn’t have those kind of stories. But I remember she told a story about her and Tatay. She said there was this one time (they were not yet married) when she cried and when Tatay asked why she was crying, she answered; because you’re leaving. Hahaha.

Inay has a big impact on what I believe in now. She influenced me things in a good way. I was her girl. I always adore her. Her calmness, her beliefs, her understanding, everything about her..

Back to the lolo’s and lola’s in Bahay Pag-ibig.. After a few moments, I managed to talk to some of them somehow.

One of the lola’s said she was a tailor before she was brought there. She just stopped because she got problems with her eyes. One of her eyes was totally blind while the other was slightly blind. She said she was 87 and she was living there since she was 69. It’s been 18 years! She was living her life there for 18 years with other lolo’s and lola‘s.

Two of the lola’s have sang for us (: And again my Tatay’s Japanese song suddenly plays in my mind.

UPAEMS Family @ Bahay Pag-ibig With Lolo’s and Lola’s ❤

What an experience that was. It was really different. My heart was pricked. I was touched. I find myself asking, where are their families? I didn’t ask it to them for the sake of respect. But where are their families really? Were they abandoned there? Ohh please I didn’t want to think of worse things..

I’m missing Inay and Tatay.. -.-

I can say, I found another family here, the UPAEMS (:

Ohana means family! And family means nobody gets left behind.
Or forgotten.”
(Lilo & Stitch)


The Day I Finally Met Him

FINEST MOMENT. Hearing those two words, there is this one moment that hits my mind..

It was in year 2009, 18th of December. Of course I won’t forgot the date. It was late in the afternoon. Vast of people coming in and out. Vast of people walking from different directions. There are lots of people waiting. There are lots of happenings. I am in the airport.

Standing there with my aunt, waiting, lots of things are invading my mind. Why now? I find myself asking my mind. Why not later? Or tomorrow or some other time? I just want to focus on waiting right now. But they wouldn’t leave me alone. They form questions. Questions I didn’t even know were formed right before it invaded my mind. Maybe it’s just because of nervousness. Time passes by and it seems like we’ve been waiting for almost an hour but he hasn’t arrive yet. Yes we were waiting for him. For my father.

What does he looks like? Can I recognize him once I see him? What will I tell him? How to greet him? Can he even recognize me too? What will he tell me? What will I do? How to act when with him? How to talk to him? What? Whaaaat?! For a moment, I’ve believed that my mind was going to explode. Questions came pouring like a rain which wouldn’t stop. Even the senseless questions were formed. One moment I felt excited. But the butterflies in my stomach have erased that excitement. And they didn’t even get satisfaction, they have replaced the excitement with fear.

What time is it? He’s not yet here. I keep on checking every man who walks towards our direction. Is it him already? I asked myself. What if it’s already him and I don’t even recognize him? I keep on talking to myself. I keep on questioning myself. But even I can’t answer too. I just can’t focus anymore like everything is a blur.

There’s a family beside us waiting too. A mother and two children; boy and a little girl. Then a man came and hug the mother. The mother told her son to hug him but the son wouldn’t move. Oh he was just shy, the mother said. Then I saw in the boy’s face the shock and the tears that were formed in his eyes. For a moment I thought I have read his mind. Maybe he didn’t saw his father that long too. I became aware of my surroundings. I became aware of the people who were waiting too. People came and there will be exchanges of greetings, there will be hugging one another and kissing, and then they’ll leave together as if they were together that long.

Veering my head from right to left, moving my eyes from time to time, searching; I catch a glimpse of a familiar man. I just recognized him? Yes it’s him. It’s really him. He approached us. Every step he took was like the years gone. It was so slow and sooo.. I was… speechless. I didn’t know what I feel. I became mute and deaf. I forgot how to speak. I even forgot how to breath for a moment. I was out of words. I am lost for words. He hugged me and say my daughter. I didn’t hug him back simply because I can’t manage my hands, my body, to move. I didn’t know what to do. So I just let it be. So be it! I felt warmth in my eyes but I manage to hold it back. I won’t let it escape. Not in front of him, not in front of many, not in a place where there’s a crowd of strangers.

I remember the boy earlier who wouldn’t hug the man who seems to be his father. He was silent too but in his eyes I saw the warning of tears. He didn’t move and didn’t speak but I saw it in his eyes. His eyes said it all. That’s why I thought that I have read his mind, because his eyes have talked to mine. Maybe that’s what I felt too. Maybe we felt the same way towards the man who seems to be our father.

After of almost twelve years, that was the first time I saw my father. Yes I saw him when we were chatting online. Yes I heard his voice when we were talking over the phone. But seeing him 3D, seeing him personally was far more different from seeing him in the desktop. Hearing his voice and talking to him personally was far more different from hearing it over the phone.


Happy Father’s Day to all fathers out there!
Happy Father’s Day Daddy! (:


He Searched For Love But Found Hatred Instead

HE SEARCHED for her. Simply because he wanna know her. Because not knowing her is not like knowing his whole self. Not knowing her is like never having a satisfying day. Not knowing her is like carrying a heaviness inside him. Not knowing her is like not knowing a part of him. Not knowing her is like not having a life at all.

So he desperately search for him. He desperately wanted to know her. He search for her in every possible way he can. And just one day, poof! He found it. He found her. He realized that wanting to find her and finding her are two very different situation. Wanting to find her; he was expecting to find her. But then finding her is like an unexpected thing to happen even if he’s already expecting it. He found her but then he’s on a dead end.

Yes he did find her. But what to do now? He didn’t have any plan at all. He had planned to search for but what will he do when he already saw her? He search for her because he wanted her love. The love that must be given to him without asking for it. The love that must be given to him unconditionally by her. The love that was never given to him at all. The love that was deprived from me by the person who was supposed to be giving it. That love that was lost even before it was given.

He wanted her into his life. He wanted her to be a part of his life. He wanted her to do her responsibility to him. He wanted her to love him. He  wanted her to care for him as how she would have cared to someone she loves. He was not just searching for her but also for what she must be doing. He was longing for those things. But it didn’t do him any good. Even finding her didn’t cause any better. Searching for her was right but finding her was a mistake. It was worst than ever. He never know when will he call her mother or will he ever?

He have searched for her love. But what he found was hatred. Hatred for himself and for her. He hated himself for finding her and he hated her for not minding to search for him at all. He hated himself for wanting to know her and he hated her for acting oblivious. He hated himself for wanting her into his life, for needing her care, for longing her love and he hated her for leaving him in the first place. He hated himself for not thinking of the aftermath of what he was doing, for not thinking of the changes that have happened over the years and he hated her for not wanting to know what have happened to him either.

He was so wrong. He was sorry for himself. Searching for her, he found hatred and he put it in his heart. And it was no good. No good at all.