Becoming The Person I am Not

I’M IN two minds whether to accept the glass stretched in front of me.

After eyeing it for a moment or two, for the reason of curiosity.. I find my fingers, unaware, surrounding the glass.

And at that very moment..

I became the person I am not.

I drink.

I drink focusing on being drunk and not on the drink itself. I drink focusing to go to the latter world and not thinking about the aftermath. I drink thinking of leaving those problems of mine (totally impossible, we can’t leave our problems, we can just only not think about it for some time) and not thinking of the effect of the drinks on my body, on my system.

After filling some more alcohol, I am, finally.. in the dreamland where I desperately wanted to be.

Before long my body releases it. Peeing.. I pee. Then drink again. Pee some more. Drink some more. Pee. Drink. Pee. Drink. Just a series of those.

But even if body releases the unwanted guest which I undoubtingly welcome, I know inside me there are still more of them left. Even just a little, I can feel them. They are clinging to my blood trying to fit in. Just like other pathetic people.

But whatever they do, they will always be those who don’t belong there. Those who will never belong. They will always be those trying hard ones.

But still, they are determined not to give up, not to leave my system. Too determined that they managed to stay and hold on.

I feel my heart starting to race. Did the left ones really have a race inside me? A marathon? Even if I know it’s impossible, I thought, for once, that my heart will going to explode. Maybe because of the left ones. They made me felt that way.

They let me feel many things in many ways.

I became sensitive but in a way not caring at all. I became noisy but in a way just talking at all. I became frank but in a way just joking at all. I became serious but in a way just being myself. I became open but in a way not understanding at all. I became emotional but in a way just feeling nothing really at all.

They, the left ones, in a way made me feel this way. But I don’t care. I don’t care to me, to people, to my surroundings, to the world right before my eyes. I just don’t care whenever I am under them.

When I am sober, completely free of the alcohols I’ve taken and released, I realize something. I am, not totally free of those alcohols.

I realized the left ones are left no matter how much liters of water I’ve drank, how much urine I’ve pee.

After a month, I find myself longing to try it again; try killing my problems, filling my stomach with the unwanted guests, feeding my system with such.

And I did try it again and felt the same as the first time. It turns out to be my hobbies; the wanting, longing, and trying.

Wanting it again, longing for it, and trying it again. I find myself drinking every month until it became every week.

Blinded by my mindset about the latter world and the unique feeling, little did I know..

I am.. —a drinker!

Today after drinking again, I realized a new something.

Whenever I drink, a new set of left ones are left again joining the older sets of left ones, thus filling my system with such.

Long before I realize it, I am already filled with the left ones. What I’ve been releasing are the original ones. The left ones have conquered my body, my soul.

I am unaware that they built another form of, not human being but life, me. Yes. Another form of me. And it terrifies me. Because they governed me and they steal my life which was supposed to be live by I. Only I, without any left ones.

And I got angry with myself for letting the left ones built another me, for letting them stole my life, for letting them living my life, for letting them controlling me, for letting them multiplying, for letting them filling up my system. And for letting them exist in the first place!

Coz even if I’m sober, I’ve got difficulty of focusing on things. Sometimes I even forgot if I am just dreaming or if it’s really happening.

Yes I didn’t become the person I don’t want to be. But worse.. I became the person I am not. This is not me.

So I am daring myself.. that I will not drink anymore as how I’ve drunk before. That I will fix myself and kill those left ones. That even if they are determined to cling, I, too, am determined to release them, to destroy each and every one of them!

I want them out of me, out of my life.

At that very moment.. my own fingers accepting the glass of alcohol, I became the person I am not.

But at this very moment.. I’ve learned my lesson.

At this very moment.. I am the person I am. Not the person I used to be, not the person I wanted to be, not the person I’ve dreamed of.. but a better person.

At that very moment, I made a choice.

At this very moment, I’m making another choice.

^~~~^

Song Lyrics Into Love Story

I WAS scrolling through my cellphone when I saw you driving downtown. Your stare was holding and now I’m paralyzed still stuck at that time. I’m standing here and can hardly breathe. Something’s telling me it might be you. This could not be happening to me. I want to know your name but I was much too shy. But I’ll never be the same, if we ever meet again.

You ask me my name. And I answered why don’t you stay? Let’s have a coffee and pie.

As days go by.. Your eyes, your smile, makes me want you. The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall. You can take my breath away. What if we fall in love the day today?

Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream. I’m the one who wants to be with you and deep inside I hope you’ll feel it too. I need to know I can see you smile each morning and look into your eyes each night for the rest of my life.

I love you like a love song. I like your smile. I like your vibe. I like your style. The reason I love you is you being you. Just you. I need you like water, like breath, like rain. I could be the one.

You were just a dream that I once knew. And you were there, you were everything I’d never seen. God gave me you.

But where have the times gone baby it’s all wrong, where are the plans we made for two? It’s sad, so sad. It’s a sad, sad situation.

I’ve been keepin’ busy all time just to try to keep you off my mind. It’s too late to apologize, it’s too late. I said it’s too late to apologize. I am in misery.

But if I let you go that will be the biggest mistake of my life. I don’t want you to be somebody that I used to know or even the one that got away.

I’d rather be strong. You’ll never know that it’s driving me crazy. But I won’t let it stop. I won’t give up on us. I remember the days.. The way you make me feel, you knock me off my feet.

I just love you. I don’t know why. I just do. I love you this big.

^~~~^

As I Walk Through

AS I walk
through the road
of oblivion
I’ve remembered you;

As I walk
through the mountains
of life
I’ve searched for you;

As I walk
through the crowd
of xenos
I’ve met you;

As I walk
through the clouds
of dreams
I’ve dreamed of you;

As I walk
through the letters
of the keyboard
I’ve found U;

As I walk
through the sound
of music
I’ve listened to you;

As I walk
through the series
of wrongs
I’ve learned from you;

As I walk
through the river
of tears
I’ve longed for you;

As I walk
through the chains
of solitude
I’ve loved you;

As I walk
through the red carpet
of the altar
I’ve said ‘I do’;

As I walk
through the path
of death
I’ve followed you;

As I walk
through the blurriness
of ups and downs
I’ve loved you

and always will.

^~~~^

The Sudden Meeting And The Mysterious Letter

IN THE beginning I didn’t wish to take the letter from my father but he said I need it; that I need to know something and all of that something is inside.

She didn’t expect to see her father. She didn’t know him personally but she recognized him. She kept a picture of him, a picture given by her mother, one and only picture of him. She had lived the fifteen years of her life without him. For fifteen years she didn’t hear a thing about the father she never had. And now he had the guts to appear in front of her. And now he had the guts to talk to her as if he had known her all her life. And now he had the guts to tell her she needs to know something. And now he had the guts to tell her what to do.

When she got home, she just run upstairs avoiding her mother’s greetings. She didn’t dare to mention to anyone about the sudden meeting and the mysterious letter.

Staring at the letter, she didn’t have the slightest idea what was written there. Wasn’t it interesting? What does she needs to know? Is it about her? About her mother? About her father she never had? Will it change her? Will she believe, in the first place, what was written there?

^~~~^

t Sms Snslss

I DN’T wnt t b ndrstd. Myb I’m gvng y hdch rght nw. nd f y fl s, I sggst y stp rdng ths. Ths wll sms t b  sht fr thr, fr mny. Bt I hv  pnt n dng ths, n wrtng ths. My pnt s I dn’t wnt t b ndrstd. I wntd ppl t try hrd nd ndrstnd ths n thr wn. I wnt thm, y, t try hrd s jst hw hrd ths wrds t rd, jst s hw hrd ths wrds t ndrstnd. My pnt, ls, myb frm ths wh r rdng ths, s t knw whch frm y cn rlly ndrstnd ths.

Cz vn f I dn’t wnt t b ndrstd, thr’ll b ppl wh crd ngh t try ndrstndng m, ppl wh lvd m ngh t sty by my sd thrgh thck nd thn.

r y n f ths? r r y n f ths wh ddn’t mnd ths wrtng f mn? My chllng s; cn y ndrstnd m? f s, why dn’t y tlst rply t ths pst f mn by lvng cmmnt? S I’ll knw f y rlly dd ndrstnd m. Hv gd dy!

People are hard to understand.
We really didn’t understand ourselves either.
People let others to define them, because,
we, ourselves, didn’t know ourselves at all.

^~~~^

I’m Feeling

^~~~^