Pretence

I HATED you
For the tenderness you lack

I hated me
For the expectations I had

You hated me
For the sweetness I lack

You hated you
For the impatience you had

I love you
For all that you are

You love me
For all that I am

Pretence can you just leave?

 

★ Just Andy
2013

A Night In February

MR. SUNRISE bids farewell
Vast of feet bids welcome
Stilettos landing hard on rocks
Met by thousands of dust
From boots and slip-ons and sandals

Ready to face the rest of the night
With good intentions, altered reasons
With one another, safety encompasses Continue reading

Protected: End Of Story. But Not Of OUR Story.

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Your Eyes

YOUR EYES told me
how much you love me..

but you
never did tell it to me.

^~~~^

When “We’re done” Ruined Me

MY LAST words for you
“I’m sorry.. but I still love you and I think I will always do”

But your last words to me
“We’re done”

as if all that has happened was just another game
as if what we have was just a plain label for you
as if all what we’ve been through was just.. just ‘having fun’
as if what we’ve felt wasn’t true.. wasn’t love
but it was is for me.

Well maybe you’re right..

it was just a game.. a game where I seriously and competitively played but then you won and that means losing everything– for me..

it was just a label.. a label which I treated as fragile but then you treated with no importance at all and that label was shattered..

it was just ‘having fun’.. a fun which I misunderstood as happiness but then it was just ‘having fun’ for you, nothing more..

it wasn’t true.. wasn’t love.. yet a simple truth and a pure love for me but then truth for you is just a word and that love is just another card in a deck of playing cards..

The words
even that short
has the power to break a bond.

The words
even that short
held an unlasting hurt.

The words
even that short
brought so much pain.

The words
even that short
is enough for me to shed tears.

The words
even that short
leave a scar on my heart
a hole in my life.

And the words
those words
came out of you.

^~~~^

You and I.. “US”

I’M NO hater
so I can’t hate myself for loving you

I’m no lover
so I can’t love anyone else more than you

I’m no photographer
so I can’t picture us together

I’m no reader
so I can’t read your mind

I’m no writer
so I can’t write u and i

I’m no painter
so I can’t paint my life without yours

I’m no story-teller
so I can’t tell our story

I’m no singer
so I can’t sing my feelings for you

I’m no song writer
so I can’t write a song about us

I’m no inventor
so I can’t invent us

There’s even no us

But one thing I’m sure

I am a dreamer
so I can dream

There’s us
There’s you and I.

^~~~^

Anger Not Pain

WOAH! SEPTEMBER ends! And I’m still stuck at waiting. I know I must stop coz I told myself that September was my last hope.

And that October starts, well I can’t blame myself if I can’t move on from waiting, it’s just the first day of October. Oh well.

Now I finally accepted the fact that it won’t happen anymore. It won’t arrive anymore.

Yes  know I must be hurt. But.. I just can’t feel any pain right now. Maybe because while waiting, I also accepted the fact that maybe it won’t really happen.

When I said September is my last hope for waiting, I also feel not to be hopeful. And I’m glad I did. Because I’m not hurt at all.

Yes I’m angry. Anger it is. But not hurt. Not pain. Maybe just a bit of anger

Yes I’m not supposed to be angry for one reason. Only one. But it is enough to be angry a bit.

Sorry if you can’t understand what I’m talking about.

I don’t have the guts to reveal it to the world. To you.

Just because I don’t want to ruin any relationships; family, friends, whatever.

I’m a bit angry, yes. But I also respect ‘it’.

 

So welcome to my life October! No more waiting and hoping for ‘it’. (:

Let’s just enjoy while we’re together (:

^~~~^

Song Lyrics Into Love Story

I WAS scrolling through my cellphone when I saw you driving downtown. Your stare was holding and now I’m paralyzed still stuck at that time. I’m standing here and can hardly breathe. Something’s telling me it might be you. This could not be happening to me. I want to know your name but I was much too shy. But I’ll never be the same, if we ever meet again.

You ask me my name. And I answered why don’t you stay? Let’s have a coffee and pie.

As days go by.. Your eyes, your smile, makes me want you. The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall. You can take my breath away. What if we fall in love the day today?

Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream. I’m the one who wants to be with you and deep inside I hope you’ll feel it too. I need to know I can see you smile each morning and look into your eyes each night for the rest of my life.

I love you like a love song. I like your smile. I like your vibe. I like your style. The reason I love you is you being you. Just you. I need you like water, like breath, like rain. I could be the one.

You were just a dream that I once knew. And you were there, you were everything I’d never seen. God gave me you.

But where have the times gone baby it’s all wrong, where are the plans we made for two? It’s sad, so sad. It’s a sad, sad situation.

I’ve been keepin’ busy all time just to try to keep you off my mind. It’s too late to apologize, it’s too late. I said it’s too late to apologize. I am in misery.

But if I let you go that will be the biggest mistake of my life. I don’t want you to be somebody that I used to know or even the one that got away.

I’d rather be strong. You’ll never know that it’s driving me crazy. But I won’t let it stop. I won’t give up on us. I remember the days.. The way you make me feel, you knock me off my feet.

I just love you. I don’t know why. I just do. I love you this big.

^~~~^

We Said We Don’t Care

YOU SAID you don’t care,
I said I don’t care.
But in every sleep,
I saw you in my dreams.
And in every silence,
You heard my voice.
But we said we don’t care.

You said you don’t care,
I said I don’t care.
But in every song I hear,
I heard your voice.
And in every song you sing,
You sing for me.
But we said we don’t care.

You said you don’t care,
I said I don’t care.
They all say, talk. Just talk!
They all say fix it. Just do it!
But there’s nothing to talk,
And there’s nothing to fix.
And we said we don’t care.

I have loved you and I still do
You have loved me and you still do
But you didn’t know what I feel
And I didn’t know what you feel
Can’t we just talk,
Can’t we just admit;
We care.

^~~~^

The Day I Finally Met Him

FINEST MOMENT. Hearing those two words, there is this one moment that hits my mind..

It was in year 2009, 18th of December. Of course I won’t forgot the date. It was late in the afternoon. Vast of people coming in and out. Vast of people walking from different directions. There are lots of people waiting. There are lots of happenings. I am in the airport.

Standing there with my aunt, waiting, lots of things are invading my mind. Why now? I find myself asking my mind. Why not later? Or tomorrow or some other time? I just want to focus on waiting right now. But they wouldn’t leave me alone. They form questions. Questions I didn’t even know were formed right before it invaded my mind. Maybe it’s just because of nervousness. Time passes by and it seems like we’ve been waiting for almost an hour but he hasn’t arrive yet. Yes we were waiting for him. For my father.

What does he looks like? Can I recognize him once I see him? What will I tell him? How to greet him? Can he even recognize me too? What will he tell me? What will I do? How to act when with him? How to talk to him? What? Whaaaat?! For a moment, I’ve believed that my mind was going to explode. Questions came pouring like a rain which wouldn’t stop. Even the senseless questions were formed. One moment I felt excited. But the butterflies in my stomach have erased that excitement. And they didn’t even get satisfaction, they have replaced the excitement with fear.

What time is it? He’s not yet here. I keep on checking every man who walks towards our direction. Is it him already? I asked myself. What if it’s already him and I don’t even recognize him? I keep on talking to myself. I keep on questioning myself. But even I can’t answer too. I just can’t focus anymore like everything is a blur.

There’s a family beside us waiting too. A mother and two children; boy and a little girl. Then a man came and hug the mother. The mother told her son to hug him but the son wouldn’t move. Oh he was just shy, the mother said. Then I saw in the boy’s face the shock and the tears that were formed in his eyes. For a moment I thought I have read his mind. Maybe he didn’t saw his father that long too. I became aware of my surroundings. I became aware of the people who were waiting too. People came and there will be exchanges of greetings, there will be hugging one another and kissing, and then they’ll leave together as if they were together that long.

Veering my head from right to left, moving my eyes from time to time, searching; I catch a glimpse of a familiar man. I just recognized him? Yes it’s him. It’s really him. He approached us. Every step he took was like the years gone. It was so slow and sooo.. I was… speechless. I didn’t know what I feel. I became mute and deaf. I forgot how to speak. I even forgot how to breath for a moment. I was out of words. I am lost for words. He hugged me and say my daughter. I didn’t hug him back simply because I can’t manage my hands, my body, to move. I didn’t know what to do. So I just let it be. So be it! I felt warmth in my eyes but I manage to hold it back. I won’t let it escape. Not in front of him, not in front of many, not in a place where there’s a crowd of strangers.

I remember the boy earlier who wouldn’t hug the man who seems to be his father. He was silent too but in his eyes I saw the warning of tears. He didn’t move and didn’t speak but I saw it in his eyes. His eyes said it all. That’s why I thought that I have read his mind, because his eyes have talked to mine. Maybe that’s what I felt too. Maybe we felt the same way towards the man who seems to be our father.

After of almost twelve years, that was the first time I saw my father. Yes I saw him when we were chatting online. Yes I heard his voice when we were talking over the phone. But seeing him 3D, seeing him personally was far more different from seeing him in the desktop. Hearing his voice and talking to him personally was far more different from hearing it over the phone.

 

Happy Father’s Day to all fathers out there!
Happy Father’s Day Daddy! (:

^~~~^