He Searched For Love But Found Hatred Instead

HE SEARCHED for her. Simply because he wanna know her. Because not knowing her is not like knowing his whole self. Not knowing her is like never having a satisfying day. Not knowing her is like carrying a heaviness inside him. Not knowing her is like not knowing a part of him. Not knowing her is like not having a life at all.

So he desperately search for him. He desperately wanted to know her. He search for her in every possible way he can. And just one day, poof! He found it. He found her. He realized that wanting to find her and finding her are two very different situation. Wanting to find her; he was expecting to find her. But then finding her is like an unexpected thing to happen even if he’s already expecting it. He found her but then he’s on a dead end.

Yes he did find her. But what to do now? He didn’t have any plan at all. He had planned to search for but what will he do when he already saw her? He search for her because he wanted her love. The love that must be given to him without asking for it. The love that must be given to him unconditionally by her. The love that was never given to him at all. The love that was deprived from me by the person who was supposed to be giving it. That love that was lost even before it was given.

He wanted her into his life. He wanted her to be a part of his life. He wanted her to do her responsibility to him. He wanted her to love him. He  wanted her to care for him as how she would have cared to someone she loves. He was not just searching for her but also for what she must be doing. He was longing for those things. But it didn’t do him any good. Even finding her didn’t cause any better. Searching for her was right but finding her was a mistake. It was worst than ever. He never know when will he call her mother or will he ever?

He have searched for her love. But what he found was hatred. Hatred for himself and for her. He hated himself for finding her and he hated her for not minding to search for him at all. He hated himself for wanting to know her and he hated her for acting oblivious. He hated himself for wanting her into his life, for needing her care, for longing her love and he hated her for leaving him in the first place. He hated himself for not thinking of the aftermath of what he was doing, for not thinking of the changes that have happened over the years and he hated her for not wanting to know what have happened to him either.

He was so wrong. He was sorry for himself. Searching for her, he found hatred and he put it in his heart. And it was no good. No good at all.

^~~~^

I’ve Sketched My Heart

I STARE at the blank paper
a pen in my hand
I started to write
then I realized
I have written your name
so I crumpled the paper.

I stare at the blank paper
the pen still in my hand
I started to think
then I realized
I’m thinking of you
so I crumpled the paper.

I stare at the blank paper
I moved the pen in my hand
I started to draw
then I realized
I’m oblivious to everything
I just draw and draw.

I stare at the paper
not blank anymore
I stare at my drawing
my hand has sketched
my mind has thought of
my heart has dreamed of.

I stare at the paper
the drawing in it
seems familiar
right before my eyes
little did I know
I was staring at you.

 ^~~~^

It’s The LOVE I Know, But It’s Not What I Saw

NO SHARP edges to hurt you,
Never-ending cycle we knew.

Light side –always present,
Yet dark side won’t be absent.

Can’t be composed of only one,
It’s made up of everyone.

Feelings are being shared,
People are being heard.

It’s not about ‘just us’,
It’s not a rush.

It’s not about cash,
It’s not a task.

It’s not about distrust,
It’s not a must.

It’s not about lust,
It never was.

Hard to find where it started,
It never really ended.

It’s love, it’s a circle,
It’s love, it’s a riddle.

It’s the love I know,
But it’s not what I saw.

People made it sharp,
That hurts a heart.

  ^~~~^

(picture from Google images)

The End Of No Beginning

YOU WON’T talk to me.
You don’t even mind looking at me.

I wanted to talk to you,
it’s just.. I’m too shy to do so.
I simply glimpse at you,
it’s just.. I don’t want you to notice.

We’re out of stories, nothing to talk about.
You wouldn’t open another topic.
But I want another conversation.
Yet I’m forced to say goodbye.

We’re out of stories, nothing to talk about.
I waited but you wouldn’t open another topic.
And I wanted another conversation.
I don’t want to hear you say goodbye.

We’ve talked and talked.
Talk about things, random things,
but never the things about us.

Please tell me to stay
and I’ll stay.

Please stay.
I wanted to say.
But I just can’t let the words out.

Please tell me you need me,
and I’ll be with you.

I need you.
I wanted to tell you.
But I just can’t manage to utter.

I need to go, I stare at you,
but you didn’t look back.
So I walk away with a pricked heart.

You need to go, I feel vulnerable,
so I didn’t look at you.
And you walk away, I’m with my pricked heart.

I let you go
but you’ll never know
because I never tell you so
what I really felt for you –status quo.

I let you slip away
but you’ll know in no way
because I never ever say
what I really felt for you right away.

 

Now tell me; there’s no love lost.
But I tell you; THERE IS A LOVE LOST.

^~~~^

My Friend’s a Fiend

I WAS jumping and jumping
my happiness in the ceiling
so I told him everything
he listens and listens
to my stories of sirens
he said, that’s great!
with a big smile of fate.

I was sobbing and sobbing
my head in the railing
so I told him everything
he listens and listens
to my whining of sirens
he said, it’ll gonna be okay,
but that’s what all say.

He is a friend, my friend
my trust’s never bend
so my stories never end
he said, I’m always here
but he’s just always near.

He’s wicked, he’s a fiend,
but he’s my friend.
He’s quiet, he’s silent,
but to me he’d always went.
He’s unique, he’d agonized,
but he always sympathizes.

^~~~^