Close To Giving Up


I DON’T know. I know I’ve been hanging for so long. But why all of a sudden, I lose it.

Yes I’ve been hanging for so long. Maybe it was too long, it’s more than enough. And crying is my last resort. I want to punch the wall. I want to let it out. But I don’t want to be so violent in front of others who seem to care. I don’t want them to see my violent side. But I can’t hold it any longer. So I lose it all. I cried. I cried because it was my last resort. I chose to be the stilly-me which forced me to cry than the violent-me.

I cried because.. it’s that complicated. I cried because I am close to giving up. Everyday I woke up just to think of those problems. Every night when I go to bed, all I think is just them(problems) again. Even when I’m supposed to be doing something important, I end up thinking of them again. And thinking of them every now and then makes me want to sleep.

Just sleep and leave them alone. Just sleep and not think of them. Just sleep and relax. But I was wrong. Because even in my sleep, they were there, invading my dreamland. Even in my sleep they won’t let me go. Even in my sleep they want to be with me.

I just want to walk away. I just want to leave them as they were. I just want to give up. I just want to sleep. I just want to punch it out. I just want to cry it out. I just want to let it out. And right now I’m letting it out..

I cried not because I am weak. I cried because I just can’t take it any longer. I cried because I can’t hold it inside yet I am trying to hide it. I cried because I am trying to delete violence in my vocabulary.


I Need a Pause.

BUT NOT here.

not now.

not in front of them.

let not trickle.

for just a moment.

let not burst.

for just a moment.

can still control them.

can still make them stay.

for a while.

not here.

not now.

not in front of them.

it hurts.

warmth in my eyes.

but please.

not in front of them.


Lost for Words, Out of Tears

IT’S BLINKING… It’s blinking…
Waiting for me. But it seems impatient.
So I started to type —tap tap tap tap
It’s still blinking… It’s blinking…
I can’t make it stop. It won’t stop.
And I want it to stop. But I didn’t stop typing.
Just so it’ll be constant. Somehow it will slow down.
But it’s still blinking… It’s blinking…
Make it stop. I want it to stop.
I don’t want anymore blinking. But it wouldn’t stop.
Why? Now I’m out of words. Now I’m lost for words.
I can’t make it stop. But please…
It’s still blinking… It’s blinking…
So I’ll just leave it. Nothing I can do.
It’s blinking… It’s blinking…
I’m mixed up. I’m drained.
So be it. So be it.

It’s hurting me… It’s hurting me…
Waiting for me to give up. But it seems oblivious.
So I started to cry —tears tears tears tears
It’s still hurting me… It’s hurting me…
I can’t make it stop. It won’t stop.
And I want it to stop. But I didn’t stop crying.
Just so it’ll be out of me. Somehow it will ease the pain.
But it’s still hurting me… It’s hurting me…
Make it stop. I want it to stop.
I don’t want anymore pain. But it wouldn’t stop.
Why? Now I’m out of tears. Now I’m lost for reasons.
I can’t make it stop. But please…
It’s still hurting me… It’s hurting me…
So I’ll just leave it. Nothing I can do.
It’s hurting me… It’s hurting me…
I’m messed up. I’m empty.
So be it. So be it.


It’s Not a Title

MY GOODNESS! I hate this feeling very much! I’m so down. I wanted to cry. I’m dying inside.

Her words have power. Her words have stabbed me without warning. I just read her message for me and it hurts me. The message didn’t mind if it hurts me. I know it’s plain and straightforward but.. but it has a power over me.

I just wanted to yell. I wanted to punch just to let it out. Just to let the hurt, the pain out of me. I was bleeding inside. I want to talk to someone, to release this heaviness I’m carrying inside because I’m feeling that anytime, any moment I could burst. It’s like everybody turned their back on me. It’s like the world turned upside down. My world..

Please watch your words. It’s as sharp as a knife that stabbed me, as fast as a train that hit me. It’s as shit as a shit as a shit which hurts me. Please watch your words, how you throw them at someone. Please… you’re hurting me.



WHY DO keep on believing when nobody knows what’s true?
Why do keep on loving when everybody got hurt?
Why do keep on talking when nobody’s listening?
Why do keep on listening when our own ears got tired?
Why do keep on trying when everybody gave up?
Why do keep on lying when the truth always reveals itself?
Why do keep on crying when we can no longer shed tears?
Why do keep on hurting ourselves when we are already hurt?
Why do keep on waiting when everybody doesn’t care anymore?
Why do keep on doing things when everybody thought it’s wrong?
Why do keep on smiling when everybody knows it’s fake?
Why do keep on living when everybody will eventually dies?
Why? And why do keep on questioning things that can never be answer?
Why do even keep on searching for answers?
Why do we want to know everything? Why?

A Man Who Shed Tears

FOR A long time, he felt this way again. But he knows this time it’s different. Totally different. Before, those days were just days when he was tired and just doing things like drawing, listening to music, or sleeping will comfort him, will help him a little to forget things which made him feel heavy. But at this very moment, he doesn’t know, doesn’t understand even what he’s feeling.

He tried to draw but he can’t even manage his hand to move. He tried to listen to music but the song, its melody irritates his ears, its sounds turn out to be deafening. He tried to close his eyes, to sleep, but that feelings just got stronger, worse..

Why does he need to carry it alone? He found himself wanting to give up, wanting to quit. But he is a man. And men are strong. Yet not always. Men have their weaknesses. Men have their soft side which they prefer to be hidden. But this time, he can’t hide it. He can’t even manage to carry on. He just wanted the pain to stop, the pain which swallowed him and he allowed that such thing to happen.

He got a lot of things to be done but the only thing he wanted to do is cry. Cry –which others see as a verboten for men. As if seeing a man cries means he is not a man anymore, as if being a man means being a robot, as if being a man means having a heart of stone.

But he doesn’t care anymore, he doesn’t care to anything. Beside, he’s too tired and feeling too empty to care what others thought of.

He wanted to cry maybe because when he does, it will ease the pain. Somehow. He just wanted the pain out of him, out of his system.


The Picture Above The Casket

SHE’S DEAD. Two of her friends are with her. They came back from where they’ve been. But the thing is she can’t remember where they have been. She saw the house, the two-story house she doesn’t even know who the owner is. There were a lot of people; people talking, people eating. But those people didn’t bother looking at them as if they didn’t even see them. She, together with her two other friends, enter the said house and go upstairs.

She saw three caskets. Two were open but the other one was close. Each casket has a picture on top of it. She saw the picture standing at the close casket. Upon seeing it, she didn’t realize the tears in her eyes. She was stunned. It was her. That was her picture. But how can it be. There she was, alive, standing, staring at her own eyes on the picture above the casket. But is she really alive? But what had happened? She doesn’t know. She was confused. She wanted to ask a lot of question but to whom? She didn’t dare to open the casket because she doesn’t want to see herself. She doesn’t want to know how it happened. She can’t bear to see herself lifeless.

They saw God walking down the stairs. She with her two other friends, eyes drowned with tears, approach Him, begging for one last chance to talk with their other friend. He gave them another chance but as a condition, they can’t change anything. Yet her other friend tries to change something but God stop her. Then something made her open her eyes. She woke up as her tears came running down, tears she cannot control. It was just a dream. All of it was just a dream. Just a dream.


Still a Great Escape

WHEN WHAT I only hear is Music… I am relieved. Relaxed. Alive most of the time. Listening to Music is like drowning my soul into oblivion. When it comes to Music, I am a total random. He makes me feel good, better.

But there are times, instead of bringing me into the world of oblivion, Music drowns me to the sea of heaviness, to the ocean of sadness. He also teaches my tears to run.

I put my earphones on and turn the volume up. I don’t wanna hear anything; about things, about everything. I want to go to where music will bring me, to the world I rarely visit but to the world where I wanted to stay. Listening, sometimes, is tiring; even if there’s no need to do anything at all. No movement needed, no effort required, just time and ears. But even time and ears seem exhausted of waiting and hearing such things. So Music is my savior, he’s my best escape.

He’s my way of escaping but he also catches me, put his arms around me and embraced me tightly. I cannot outrun him because in the first place, I didn’t think of running believing that he will bring me to the world I wanted and when he brought me to the latter world, I can’t struggle anymore because I’m already in that world.  Jailed into the world of worry where he lets my heart feels what I felt, lets myself  worry to what had happened, lets my mind think what I have thought.

People and happenings came flashing, blinding me with pain, hitting me with feelings, stabbing me with remorse. And it’s because of the songs; its mouth singing the words, its hand producing the melody. The words let me remember people, people who matter to me. And the melody lets me remember feelings, feelings I felt for those who matter to me. Then happenings, happenings that have happened to me and to those people. But then, I thank Music for he makes me alive; makes me feel the pain, makes me see the hurt, but then Music also brings me to the world where I belong.

He is still my great escape.


Every Night Just Let It Out

EVERY NIGHT I lay my head on her
She need not to ask me my problem
I open up the things I can’t bear
Also the things that made me smile then.

When tears started to escape my eyes
She catches it and just let me hug her
Even you, whenever you have blue skies
Just let it out and she’ll always be there.

She’s a true friend of mine and yours
And I know she’s everybody’s friend
Simple as she is, you want to know her?
She’s my pillow, your pillow, our pillow.

Not just a pillow, she’s a friend
Without ears she listens to you at night
Without body she let you hug her
Without eyes she sees your sadness
Without heart she understands you
Without words she comforts you
Just hug her, hug her.

*We’ve got a friend even if we think we’ve got nothing,
we’ve got a friend, we’ve got a friend.*


When He Changes Everything..

With Just a Smile

SHE JUST woke up. She veered her head to the right while stretching then suddenly stop and smile. Seeing him beside her, already awake and looking at her with a great smile curve on his face also made her smile. But it’s not just his smile that made her smile, it’s the fact that when she opens her eyes he was there all the time, beside her, protecting her. It’s the fact that when he looks at her he made her believe that she’s the only one. It’s the fact that his eyes says how much he adores her. It’s the fact that they both love each other.

Tears started to escape from her eyes. He is gone, he was gone. Not just right now, not for a day, not for a week, for a month or year but forever. Forever gone. But he will be in her heart and always will be.

He was dead. He died loving her, he died saving her… And the love he has given her, the love he has shown was the thing that molded her to what she is now, it was the thing that gave strength so she was standing and fighting still.


(pictures from Google images)