Put Me Away

IF THIS is a game, put me away.
This is the kind of game, I don’t wanna play.

You started this thing out of nowhere
And now, obviously, you made me –a player. Continue reading

Becauses and Not To’s

I SLEEP because I sought to dream
–not to run away from problems.

I sleep because I sought to take it easy
–not to throw away time.

I eat because I sought to please my needs
–not to feed my wants. Continue reading

Protected: End Of Story. But Not Of OUR Story.

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I Die a Little

OSTRACIZED
DON’T know what’s going on
they are laughing
they are whispering
i’m out of it
rejected
been told a lie
not knowing
striking words
seeing a family
‘dad’ and ‘mom’
hearing the word mother
thinking of grandparents
friendship planning
lost kinship
saw them together
got my heart pricked
i die a little
i die a little

Real Or Not?

I THINK I like him…

I enjoy teasing him because I wanna see his smile. I want to see him everyday.. I will talk to him about random things just to make a conversation. I want to hear his laugh.. And I like it when he’s beside me. I think I like him.

^~~~^

A Mother Like This Isn’t a Mother At All

I HEARD a lot of things about mothers. How mothers know best, how a mother’s love’s unconditional, how a mother care so much, how a mother will sacrifice everything, how a mother will do everything, how a mother will do this-and-that-impossible stuff.. And all I can think of is “shit”.

I stop believing those phrases long ago! I’ve unlearn what the word mother means. It’s just a word for me and nothing more.. Even typing that certain word makes me feel like I’m doing something I must not be doing. It’s like a sin.. and so does writing this one.

Mother? I never had one. Ever.

But yes, sometimes it would hit me what it would be like to have a mother. A mother more than just word. A real mother. It would hit me and whenever it did, it’ll landed right through me making me feel like I’m just another human being betrayed, abandoned, and unloved. And I know you know what it felt like.

Questions punch me here and there even if I’m trying hard to avoid those, it will caught me off guard.. And their punches hurts. So much.

I don’t know why it hurts so much when in fact there’s no memory of leaving. I don’t know why it hurts so much when I’ve managed to live for 18 years without ‘it’. Yes, sometimes I prefer to use ‘it’ more than ‘mother’. I know it’s maybe somewhat rude but bear with me, I’m not used to using the word mother or mom. It rarely comes out of my mouth either.

All I want to know is what happened. Everybody’s mouth is shut up about it. Not even one wants to tell me. And I think I’m in the right age to know what really happened then. Someone owes me the truth..

I’m angry at her because she left us.. yet I don’t know if ‘left’ is the right word to use but hey it was her choice; a choice which ruins a life, a choice which deprived me something everyone needed, a choice she alone have chosen. After all these years, she can do anything just to talk to me but she never did anything at all. There are these social networking and stuff, we never change our address, she knows where we are but why doesn’t she act? Why don’t do anything if there’s so much ways? Why choose to stay away?

Maybe because she just doesn’t care. At all. Plain and simple.

Well thanks for bringing me in this world. And thanks, too, for making me suffer like this.

^~~~^

So Hard..

WHY IS it so hard to tell something to someone? Why is it so hard?

^~~~^

D..i.s.t…a.n….c……e

I WAS there for you but
you didn’t give any importance
so I distance myself
knowing you’ll look for me.

But I was
wrong..

^~~~^

Anger Not Pain

WOAH! SEPTEMBER ends! And I’m still stuck at waiting. I know I must stop coz I told myself that September was my last hope.

And that October starts, well I can’t blame myself if I can’t move on from waiting, it’s just the first day of October. Oh well.

Now I finally accepted the fact that it won’t happen anymore. It won’t arrive anymore.

Yes  know I must be hurt. But.. I just can’t feel any pain right now. Maybe because while waiting, I also accepted the fact that maybe it won’t really happen.

When I said September is my last hope for waiting, I also feel not to be hopeful. And I’m glad I did. Because I’m not hurt at all.

Yes I’m angry. Anger it is. But not hurt. Not pain. Maybe just a bit of anger

Yes I’m not supposed to be angry for one reason. Only one. But it is enough to be angry a bit.

Sorry if you can’t understand what I’m talking about.

I don’t have the guts to reveal it to the world. To you.

Just because I don’t want to ruin any relationships; family, friends, whatever.

I’m a bit angry, yes. But I also respect ‘it’.

 

So welcome to my life October! No more waiting and hoping for ‘it’. (:

Let’s just enjoy while we’re together (:

^~~~^

The Moment I Knew

I’VE BEEN waiting

Not searching

Because I knew I’ve known you

 

Long before I met you

You’re the one

I knew

The moment I saw you

 

I felt something

Something I just can’t explain

Something that is totally different

but then, something familiar

 

For the first time

Something which made me say

You’re the one

You’re just the one

You’re the only one

 

But the thing is

You didn’t feel something

You didn’t feel anything

You didn’t feel a thing

 

The thing is

the moment you met me

is just like any other moment

is just like a no-important-moment

 

I knew you’re the one

the only one

the things is

 

 

you also knew

 

 

 

 

that I’m not the one

 

 

(no punctuation marks can express how much pause
how much break i needed
knowing that.. that situation)

^~~~^