It’s Just Different…

WE WATCH movies. Read books.
And somewhere in between..
we forgot our world.

The one which hurts us.
The one with so much pain
hidden beneath.
Continue reading

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Pretence

I HATED you
For the tenderness you lack

I hated me
For the expectations I had

You hated me
For the sweetness I lack

You hated you
For the impatience you had

I love you
For all that you are

You love me
For all that I am

Pretence can you just leave?

 

★ Just Andy
2013

The Way The World Is

HE ADMIRES her and the feelings are mutual
he wanted to witness her smile
she wanted to stare into his eyes

Both responded in stillness
he witnessed her smile
she stared into his eyes Continue reading

Becauses and Not To’s

I SLEEP because I sought to dream
–not to run away from problems.

I sleep because I sought to take it easy
–not to throw away time.

I eat because I sought to please my needs
–not to feed my wants. Continue reading

The Dream I Used To Dream

WHEN I was younger and knew nothing about such.. I used to dream. We all dream, dream, and dream. Dreams which made us happy. Dreams which pump us with so much gasoline. Dreams which never run out of energy. Unlimited dreams.

And there are nights when I used to think what I dreamed when I was younger and still oblivious to the meaning of the word.. Dream.

Yes. When I was younger I thought dreams are true. I mean.. dreams will happen eventually. I thought that when I dream, it would really happen. That when I dream, it”ll be what I’ll face. But reality proves me wrong. I am wrong.

Time and such add up. I am terribly wrong. I wanted to cry but I’m not a child anymore. Besides, what will you think? That I cried because I didn’t understand the word dream? That I cried because I was wrong? If I’m still a toddler maybe I’ll cry but now I’m being mature.. I’m acting as what people in my age do.

The nights when I thought of my dreams.. this is one of those nights. As a child, of course I dream of a lot of things.

I can still remember when someone asks what I wanted to be, I’ll say I wanted to be an astronaut. I love the night sky. I love to look at the moon. I wanted to wear what they wear; those bulky clothes and I really love that uhm helmet, the glass on their faces. I wanted to fly and wonder how they did it. Then I’ll ask, “Are there astronauts in the Philippines?”

I heard a lot of kids wanted to be a teacher because they want to teach children, too. A lot of kids wanted to be a doctor because they want to help others. A lot of kids wanted to be a police because they wanted to caught the bad people. Those professions never crossed my mind.

When I reached middle school.. I dreamed of being a doctor, for once it finally crossed my mind. But I hated Science and such. I’m afraid to blood and stuff. I just wanted that thing hanging in their neck that when you put in your ears, you’ll hear funny sounds which will made you giggle.

When I reached high school.. I dreamed of being an accountant. But it was just for a moment. It never crossed my mind again. Then I dreamed of being an engineer. I wanted to hear people calling me engineer plus my name or surname. Being an engineer is what really I wanted.. but I didn’t pass; Geodetic engineering it was.

Reading a lot of novels about secret agent, CIA, FBI, spy, and watching movies about detective, crime and investigation, and such pushed me to dream of being a secret agent. I wanted to take up Criminology and then when I graduate, I’ll become one of those people who carry guns and wave their badges and solve crimes. Oh! how I really wanted to be one of them!

For a while, I also dream of being a lawyer. I wanted to be that person who’ll ask and ask and interrogate people sitting in the hot seat. Then I’ll won eventually because I am a goddamn smart lawyer.

I’ve dreamed a lot of things. Dream. Dream. Dream. And none of it really happens.

I’ve dreamed a lot of things. Complicated. Then I realized deep inside me, I have this dream. I long for this dream. But I knew it’ll just be a dream and nothing more. Forever a dream: having a parents.

Dreams thought me the word impossible. It’s funny how words taught me some more words.

^~~~^

End Of The World Way

END OF the world they all say
but I knew it’s only their way
to have a reason and express
what they feel and more or less.

End of the world they all say
but I doubt it all the way
yet for once I wanted to express
what I really feel, more or less.

End of the world they all say
but my world ended long before
when he left and have chosen his way
yet a new one was born when you opened the door.

End of the world they all say
but what I think is the other way
I want you, I need you
I like you, I love you..

^~~~^

Becoming The Person I am Not

I’M IN two minds whether to accept the glass stretched in front of me.

After eyeing it for a moment or two, for the reason of curiosity.. I find my fingers, unaware, surrounding the glass.

And at that very moment..

I became the person I am not.

I drink.

I drink focusing on being drunk and not on the drink itself. I drink focusing to go to the latter world and not thinking about the aftermath. I drink thinking of leaving those problems of mine (totally impossible, we can’t leave our problems, we can just only not think about it for some time) and not thinking of the effect of the drinks on my body, on my system.

After filling some more alcohol, I am, finally.. in the dreamland where I desperately wanted to be.

Before long my body releases it. Peeing.. I pee. Then drink again. Pee some more. Drink some more. Pee. Drink. Pee. Drink. Just a series of those.

But even if body releases the unwanted guest which I undoubtingly welcome, I know inside me there are still more of them left. Even just a little, I can feel them. They are clinging to my blood trying to fit in. Just like other pathetic people.

But whatever they do, they will always be those who don’t belong there. Those who will never belong. They will always be those trying hard ones.

But still, they are determined not to give up, not to leave my system. Too determined that they managed to stay and hold on.

I feel my heart starting to race. Did the left ones really have a race inside me? A marathon? Even if I know it’s impossible, I thought, for once, that my heart will going to explode. Maybe because of the left ones. They made me felt that way.

They let me feel many things in many ways.

I became sensitive but in a way not caring at all. I became noisy but in a way just talking at all. I became frank but in a way just joking at all. I became serious but in a way just being myself. I became open but in a way not understanding at all. I became emotional but in a way just feeling nothing really at all.

They, the left ones, in a way made me feel this way. But I don’t care. I don’t care to me, to people, to my surroundings, to the world right before my eyes. I just don’t care whenever I am under them.

When I am sober, completely free of the alcohols I’ve taken and released, I realize something. I am, not totally free of those alcohols.

I realized the left ones are left no matter how much liters of water I’ve drank, how much urine I’ve pee.

After a month, I find myself longing to try it again; try killing my problems, filling my stomach with the unwanted guests, feeding my system with such.

And I did try it again and felt the same as the first time. It turns out to be my hobbies; the wanting, longing, and trying.

Wanting it again, longing for it, and trying it again. I find myself drinking every month until it became every week.

Blinded by my mindset about the latter world and the unique feeling, little did I know..

I am.. —a drinker!

Today after drinking again, I realized a new something.

Whenever I drink, a new set of left ones are left again joining the older sets of left ones, thus filling my system with such.

Long before I realize it, I am already filled with the left ones. What I’ve been releasing are the original ones. The left ones have conquered my body, my soul.

I am unaware that they built another form of, not human being but life, me. Yes. Another form of me. And it terrifies me. Because they governed me and they steal my life which was supposed to be live by I. Only I, without any left ones.

And I got angry with myself for letting the left ones built another me, for letting them stole my life, for letting them living my life, for letting them controlling me, for letting them multiplying, for letting them filling up my system. And for letting them exist in the first place!

Coz even if I’m sober, I’ve got difficulty of focusing on things. Sometimes I even forgot if I am just dreaming or if it’s really happening.

Yes I didn’t become the person I don’t want to be. But worse.. I became the person I am not. This is not me.

So I am daring myself.. that I will not drink anymore as how I’ve drunk before. That I will fix myself and kill those left ones. That even if they are determined to cling, I, too, am determined to release them, to destroy each and every one of them!

I want them out of me, out of my life.

At that very moment.. my own fingers accepting the glass of alcohol, I became the person I am not.

But at this very moment.. I’ve learned my lesson.

At this very moment.. I am the person I am. Not the person I used to be, not the person I wanted to be, not the person I’ve dreamed of.. but a better person.

At that very moment, I made a choice.

At this very moment, I’m making another choice.

^~~~^