Anger Not Pain

WOAH! SEPTEMBER ends! And I’m still stuck at waiting. I know I must stop coz I told myself that September was my last hope.

And that October starts, well I can’t blame myself if I can’t move on from waiting, it’s just the first day of October. Oh well.

Now I finally accepted the fact that it won’t happen anymore. It won’t arrive anymore.

Yes  know I must be hurt. But.. I just can’t feel any pain right now. Maybe because while waiting, I also accepted the fact that maybe it won’t really happen.

When I said September is my last hope for waiting, I also feel not to be hopeful. And I’m glad I did. Because I’m not hurt at all.

Yes I’m angry. Anger it is. But not hurt. Not pain. Maybe just a bit of anger

Yes I’m not supposed to be angry for one reason. Only one. But it is enough to be angry a bit.

Sorry if you can’t understand what I’m talking about.

I don’t have the guts to reveal it to the world. To you.

Just because I don’t want to ruin any relationships; family, friends, whatever.

I’m a bit angry, yes. But I also respect ‘it’.

 

So welcome to my life October! No more waiting and hoping for ‘it’. (:

Let’s just enjoy while we’re together (:

^~~~^

Coz Not Knowing Is Not Caring

I CAN see the countries where my blog is being viewed, but the ‘countries’ doesn’t mean the ‘people’.

I wanted to know who read what. I wanted to know what affects who. I wanted to know how they understand what. I wanted to know why they like what.

I just wanted to know because ‘knowing’ matters for me. Because not knowing is like not caring at all. And I do care.

But for this case, knowing all of those seems impossible. There’s only one way to express how I care. And that way is this way. Writing where it is neither my hands nor my fingers which write, it is my heart. My hands and fingers are only followers. They are followers of my heart.

This way, I know I can reach people, I know I can touch lives, I know I can make a change even if it’s that small, I know I can make a difference.

As long as I can use my hand, I will. As long as I can write, I will. As long as my heart is beating, it will dictate.

Even if I didn’t know what lies on the other end.. Even if I will never know who’s on the other end.. I will continue to write.

And YOU, yes you who’s reading this, please know that I wanted to know you. Please know that knowing you really matters to me. Please know that wherever in the world you are, we are connected by this. Please know that in any other way, our paths will cross. Please know that this is our time; it’s just you reading and me reaching to you.

Please know that I do care for you. Yes, I care for you. (:

 

 

*Please take time to click the title and read the link and you’ll see* (:

^~~~^

It’s Past Two AM

IT’S PAST two am and half of the world
is sleeping, they’re in dreamland
some having a good time, some are not.

It’s past two am and half of the world
is wide awake, doing their daily works,
cause it’s not two am in their place.

It’s past two am and here I am doing this
just to fill the boredom while waiting for the time,
the time that will change my life as a student.

It’s past two am and I can’t think
of any other thing to do.

It’s past two am and I think of eating
but it was an absurd thing to do,
at this time of the night.

It’s past two am and the television is still running,
music encompasses my surroundings,
it didn’t care to wake someone up.

It’s past two am and I tried to draw,
but I’m not in the mood.

It’s past two am and I tried to sleep
but my system get used to it;
not sleeping at the time I must be sleeping.

It’s two am and here I am
chatting with my friends
who didn’t think of sleeping too.

It’s past two am, so just to kill the boredom,
here I am again.
Writing. Blogging.
Writing. Blogging.
Writing. Blogging.

It’s past two am…

^~~~^

It’s Not a Title

MY GOODNESS! I hate this feeling very much! I’m so down. I wanted to cry. I’m dying inside.

Her words have power. Her words have stabbed me without warning. I just read her message for me and it hurts me. The message didn’t mind if it hurts me. I know it’s plain and straightforward but.. but it has a power over me.

I just wanted to yell. I wanted to punch just to let it out. Just to let the hurt, the pain out of me. I was bleeding inside. I want to talk to someone, to release this heaviness I’m carrying inside because I’m feeling that anytime, any moment I could burst. It’s like everybody turned their back on me. It’s like the world turned upside down. My world..

Please watch your words. It’s as sharp as a knife that stabbed me, as fast as a train that hit me. It’s as shit as a shit as a shit which hurts me. Please watch your words, how you throw them at someone. Please… you’re hurting me.

^~~~^

WHY-ing

WHY DO keep on believing when nobody knows what’s true?
Why do keep on loving when everybody got hurt?
Why do keep on talking when nobody’s listening?
Why do keep on listening when our own ears got tired?
Why do keep on trying when everybody gave up?
Why do keep on lying when the truth always reveals itself?
Why do keep on crying when we can no longer shed tears?
Why do keep on hurting ourselves when we are already hurt?
Why do keep on waiting when everybody doesn’t care anymore?
Why do keep on doing things when everybody thought it’s wrong?
Why do keep on smiling when everybody knows it’s fake?
Why do keep on living when everybody will eventually dies?
Why? And why do keep on questioning things that can never be answer?
Why do even keep on searching for answers?
Why do we want to know everything? Why?
^~~~^

A Heart To Be Hurt

MY LIFE was incomplete. It will never be complete. And you are to blame! Yes it’s you. Shit the things you have done. Shit the path you have chosen. Shit the choice you have made. Well let’s give thanks to those shits because without those I’ll never have the chance to write this shit full of shits.

I don’t know why I’m wasting my time writing this. Maybe just to let the shit out of me, maybe just to blame you, maybe just to ruin your life as what you did to mine, maybe just to hurt you as how you’ve hurt me. But I doubt it. You can’t feel. You have no conscience. You don’t even have a heart to be hurt at all. If you have a heart maybe it’s not beating, maybe it’s fake, maybe it’s different to the point no one, even scientific elucidation, can explain, maybe it’s not a heart at all. Because if you really have a heart, you will never do such things. You will never decide such decisions. You will never choose such option. You will never hurt such innocent.

But because you don’t have a real heart you do such things, things I will never even think of doing. I will never be like you. I have a heart, a heart you have stepped like what you have done to a bit of cigarette, a heart you have thrown like what you have done to a candy’s wrapper, a heart you have ruined even before it becomes intact. I was so vulnerable, so weak, so feeble, so frail, so helpless, so fragile, and so delicate, that just breathing seems to be the hardest thing to do.

You made me feel that way and I will never learn how to forget how you made me feel. Yet you’re still not contented. You wanted to be remembered. So in my heart you carved. And you did what you want; your signature in my heart will always be here. No matter how hard I try to remove it, to scratch it, there’s nothing I can do.

You just won. For you, winning is hurting and letting others down. I didn’t know what you are, I didn’t know what to call you. You’re just an existing creature nothing more. After all these years, I still cannot forget the pain. It’s still affecting me. It’s still ruining me. It’s still sipping my soul out. It’s still emptying me. And I think, as long as I live so will the agony.

Are you happy? Are you at ease? Are you satisfied to what you have done? Or are you still not contented? Are you pleased that you have hurt me? Or you still wanted to hurt me? Are you thrilled that you’re still affecting my life? Or you wanted more? Are you delighted to see me shedding tears? Or do you want me to shed blood? Are you fulfilled to see me living with misery? Or you wanted me to see not breathing at all? You have ruined my life and still you’re longing to steal it?

Why I even ask, eh you don’t have a heart to feel! I feel sorry for you. There’s one thing in this world that you can’t feel. And never will you experience it. One thing that’s very special, very extraordinary, and very real. It’s love! You’re out of love. Love for you is just a word. But there’s more to love. It isn’t just a word you can spell. It isn’t just a word you can read. It isn’t just a word and you will never know what it is. You will never understand. You will never feel how to love and to be loved. Pity! I am done here. Even if this shit is full of shits, it’s for you! Thanks to your shits. My last words for you; I shittingly shitting you. Sorry there seems to be no words existing that I can express what I’m feeling for you.

(Sorry for some harsh words I’ve used.)

^~~~^

To Be One of Them

THE WORLD can’t stop talking…
And even if your ears are tired,
even if your mouth utters stop,
even if your eyes are full of anger,
it wouldn’t stop for you.

And it never will stop.

All you can do is talk to them,
talk with them
in order to avoid the anger,
the frustration,
the agony.

Because in this world that can’t stop talking,
you can’t just told the world to stop.

You need to be one of them in order not to lose.

^~~~^