It’s Not a Title

MY GOODNESS! I hate this feeling very much! I’m so down. I wanted to cry. I’m dying inside.

Her words have power. Her words have stabbed me without warning. I just read her message for me and it hurts me. The message didn’t mind if it hurts me. I know it’s plain and straightforward but.. but it has a power over me.

I just wanted to yell. I wanted to punch just to let it out. Just to let the hurt, the pain out of me. I was bleeding inside. I want to talk to someone, to release this heaviness I’m carrying inside because I’m feeling that anytime, any moment I could burst. It’s like everybody turned their back on me. It’s like the world turned upside down. My world..

Please watch your words. It’s as sharp as a knife that stabbed me, as fast as a train that hit me. It’s as shit as a shit as a shit which hurts me. Please watch your words, how you throw them at someone. Please… you’re hurting me.



WHY DO keep on believing when nobody knows what’s true?
Why do keep on loving when everybody got hurt?
Why do keep on talking when nobody’s listening?
Why do keep on listening when our own ears got tired?
Why do keep on trying when everybody gave up?
Why do keep on lying when the truth always reveals itself?
Why do keep on crying when we can no longer shed tears?
Why do keep on hurting ourselves when we are already hurt?
Why do keep on waiting when everybody doesn’t care anymore?
Why do keep on doing things when everybody thought it’s wrong?
Why do keep on smiling when everybody knows it’s fake?
Why do keep on living when everybody will eventually dies?
Why? And why do keep on questioning things that can never be answer?
Why do even keep on searching for answers?
Why do we want to know everything? Why?

A Heart To Be Hurt

MY LIFE was incomplete. It will never be complete. And you are to blame! Yes it’s you. Shit the things you have done. Shit the path you have chosen. Shit the choice you have made. Well let’s give thanks to those shits because without those I’ll never have the chance to write this shit full of shits.

I don’t know why I’m wasting my time writing this. Maybe just to let the shit out of me, maybe just to blame you, maybe just to ruin your life as what you did to mine, maybe just to hurt you as how you’ve hurt me. But I doubt it. You can’t feel. You have no conscience. You don’t even have a heart to be hurt at all. If you have a heart maybe it’s not beating, maybe it’s fake, maybe it’s different to the point no one, even scientific elucidation, can explain, maybe it’s not a heart at all. Because if you really have a heart, you will never do such things. You will never decide such decisions. You will never choose such option. You will never hurt such innocent.

But because you don’t have a real heart you do such things, things I will never even think of doing. I will never be like you. I have a heart, a heart you have stepped like what you have done to a bit of cigarette, a heart you have thrown like what you have done to a candy’s wrapper, a heart you have ruined even before it becomes intact. I was so vulnerable, so weak, so feeble, so frail, so helpless, so fragile, and so delicate, that just breathing seems to be the hardest thing to do.

You made me feel that way and I will never learn how to forget how you made me feel. Yet you’re still not contented. You wanted to be remembered. So in my heart you carved. And you did what you want; your signature in my heart will always be here. No matter how hard I try to remove it, to scratch it, there’s nothing I can do.

You just won. For you, winning is hurting and letting others down. I didn’t know what you are, I didn’t know what to call you. You’re just an existing creature nothing more. After all these years, I still cannot forget the pain. It’s still affecting me. It’s still ruining me. It’s still sipping my soul out. It’s still emptying me. And I think, as long as I live so will the agony.

Are you happy? Are you at ease? Are you satisfied to what you have done? Or are you still not contented? Are you pleased that you have hurt me? Or you still wanted to hurt me? Are you thrilled that you’re still affecting my life? Or you wanted more? Are you delighted to see me shedding tears? Or do you want me to shed blood? Are you fulfilled to see me living with misery? Or you wanted me to see not breathing at all? You have ruined my life and still you’re longing to steal it?

Why I even ask, eh you don’t have a heart to feel! I feel sorry for you. There’s one thing in this world that you can’t feel. And never will you experience it. One thing that’s very special, very extraordinary, and very real. It’s love! You’re out of love. Love for you is just a word. But there’s more to love. It isn’t just a word you can spell. It isn’t just a word you can read. It isn’t just a word and you will never know what it is. You will never understand. You will never feel how to love and to be loved. Pity! I am done here. Even if this shit is full of shits, it’s for you! Thanks to your shits. My last words for you; I shittingly shitting you. Sorry there seems to be no words existing that I can express what I’m feeling for you.

(Sorry for some harsh words I’ve used.)


To Be One of Them

THE WORLD can’t stop talking…
And even if your ears are tired,
even if your mouth utters stop,
even if your eyes are full of anger,
it wouldn’t stop for you.

And it never will stop.

All you can do is talk to them,
talk with them
in order to avoid the anger,
the frustration,
the agony.

Because in this world that can’t stop talking,
you can’t just told the world to stop.

You need to be one of them in order not to lose.


It’s Not Just About Me

Because I’m not the only one…

SOMETIMES I prayed to God about such things. Things I needed, things I wanted and more of the things concerning I, my, and me. And I wonder why God didn’t answer some of my prayers and I’ll just repeat what my prayers were to the point which I got annoyed which is very wrong. I know almost all of us have questioned Him, why this, why that, but have we questioned ourselves before we fired such frothy things at Him? I realized, why will I pray about something that will, yes, do me good but will eventually hurt or even destroy others? I was selfish, I didn’t think of the people around me, I didn’t mind the feelings of others.

For instance (because I’m a student), there is still one last slot for a subject and I pray to God to give me that slot for I want the professor and I want the time, but! But what if someone also pray to God regarding that subject not because she want to but because she badly need to. If you were God, to whom you’ll give the said subject, to me who wants it or to someone who needs it? Of course we know who need it the most, and I can’t blame Him for saying ‘yes’ to that someone and for answering ‘no’ to me. I know it’s also hard for Him. God answers all of our prayers but not with a yes always. Another instance, there was a time that I prayed to God to help me pass my exam and when the results come out, I failed the exam. Then I asked Him, why? But hey! I’m a fool! Why don’t I ask that to myself and not God. I’m the one who failed it, not Him. I’m the one who took the exam, not Him. I just ask for His help and I know that he helped me, the problem is I didn’t help myself. Did I study hard enough, well enough? I don’t think so.

God help us always even if we think we didn’t need Him because the fact is we really needed Him all the time. As what  said earlier, He answers all of our prayers but not as what we expected His answers to be not because He wanted us to suffer but because He wants us to learn. He let me failed (my exam) not for bad but for good and for my sake. I think He wanted me to learn from my mistake, just like you, just like the rest of us. He never leave us, He never closed His hand for us, what He wanted is what’s best for us. I stumbled and fall but He reached my hand and helped me to stand up. Like any other problems (studies, love, friendship, families, etc.) we must not let those put us down, we must put our feet down on the ground and stand still, continue believing.

Also put to your mind avoid being selfish. Prayers are more powerful when you dedicate your prayers for others’ need, needs not wants, and spite of not knowing or hearing there are also people who pray for your needs, who prays for your life. What I really learned is that in this world where I live, where different human beings exist, I am not the only one who seek for His help, it is not only I who pray to Him, it is not only my voice that He’s been hearing, it is not only my life that He’s watching… It is not JUST about ME.